


the kids are okay

by snoozalicious



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Evan, Bullying, Child Neglect, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, Galaxy Gals, Gay, Gay Alana, Gay Connor, Gay Jared, Happy Ending, Heidi is Best Mom™, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I don't like Larry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Junior year, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pansexual Zoe, Pining, Polyamory, Slow Burn, Verbal Abuse, i just want these nerds to be happy, sincerely three
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 71
Words: 59,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10940229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snoozalicious/pseuds/snoozalicious
Summary: AU where Connor tries his best to make friends with the cute boy that moved in next door. It goes a lot better than expected.A heavily gay high school slice-of-life. Chapters are short but I update frequently.NOTICE: This has officially turned into a Sincerely Three fic! The focus is mainly on Tree Bros in the beginning but I was too weak to leave Jared out of it.





	1. Sunday September 18

“Jesus Fucking Christ,” Evan Hansen watches in amusement as his only, and by default best, friend Jared Kleinman struggles to lug a particularly heavy box towards Evan’s new room, “what did you put in here? Rocks?”

“Crystals, actually,” Evan grins at his friend's scowl, holding the door of his bedroom open with one hand and holding his own, lighter, box in the other, “my mom used to buy me one as a souvenir whenever we visited my grandma up in Mammoth. They’re pretty, but, uh, not the lightest.”

“No shit sherlock,” Jared dropped the box onto the floor with little care for it’s contents. He looked around the room, pushing his glasses up, “we got everything in here yet? It’s getting late and I have better things to do on a weekend than help you move.” Heidi, Evan’s mother, had been ecstatic when this house had gone for sale a few months ago; it was far bigger than their previous home, which they had been renting, and was at a VERY reasonable price for the rather lavish neighborhood (Jared was convinced someone had been murdered in the house because it was so cheap, either that or it was haunted).

“Yeah, this should be all of it. Thanks for helping out,” Jared straightened himself up, pleased with the praise.

“Don’t sweat it--just, remember me fondly when I’m gone,” he posed dramatically. Evan snorted in laughter.

“You’ll only be gone for a week, Jared,” one of Jared’s distant relatives in Arkansas had passed away and the whole family was taking the upcoming week off to fly out and attend the funeral.

“Yeah, a whole week! Who could survive a _whole_ week without my beautiful presence lighting up their life?” he shook his head, patting Evan’s shoulder sympathetically, “you’ll be a mess without me, Hansen.”

“Bye,” Evan had rolled his eyes lightheartedly, pushing Jared towards the door. The brunet pouted but didn’t resist.

“Whatever, maybe it’s good I’m leaving. How’s that saying go again? Don’t know what you have until it’s gone? Some shit like that,” Jared ruffled Evan’s hair, “alright, kiddo. You’re the man of the house now. They grow up so fast.”

 

Evan looked at the digital clock on his otherwise bare desk. The green letters blinked 11:35. He frowned. His mother took night classes at community college after her job, so it was common for her to get home well into the night, but usually she was back by 11. Evan had a hard time sleeping when his mother wasn’t home; he’d always worry that she got into a car accident (Heidi wasn’t known for being the best driver).

 _There’s probably just traffic,_ Evan thought, looking through his window at his new backyard, wondering if he should text Jared this late.

Evan’s friendship with Jared Kleinman didn’t actually start until a few years after they met; when they had first been introduced to each other at age 6 Jared hadn’t bothered to hide the fact that he thought Evan was boring and didn’t want to spend time with him--but still, their mothers were always forcing them to play together and eventually Jared learned to like Evan in the same way Evan learned to open up around Jared. Still, even though Jared had gotten past the whole "we're only family friends" phase, he treated Evan more like a little brother than a real friend. Sometimes he was eager to hang out with him and sometimes he made it obvious that Evan was just butting into his life and being a nuisance.

“--FINE!” the loud slamming of a door pulled Evan from his memories. Blinking, he looked towards the house next door.

The house next door was a pearly-shade of white and much more well-kept than the Hansen's. There were four windows visible from Evan’s room, which was ground level; two on the first story of the neighbors house, and two on the second. Both of the second story windows were lit up, one had the curtains closed and one without.

The shouting seemed like it had come from the window with the open curtains. Evan looked intently at the window, still a little surprised by the shouting, and even more surprised when a familiar figure appeared at the windowsill.

_Connor?_

Evan didn’t know too much about Connor Murphy, other than the fact that he skipped classes to smoke weed behind the gym and threw a printer at his teacher in 2nd grade. Jared liked to whine about how they let him join the AP classes even though he skipped school half the time. He had always kind of intimidated Evan.

 _Does he... live_ _there?_

Connor was now sitting on the edge of his windowsill with what looked like a lit cigarette in one hand.  _Idiot. Of course he lives there! Why else would he--_ Evan froze as he realized Connor's gaze was now fixated on him, his eyes narrowed. 

 _Shit. Was I staring?_ Evan's lips went dry and he fidgeted for a second before smiling nervously and offering a shy wave, not sure what else to do. Connor took a drag of his "cigarette", staring at Evan for a few seconds before quirking a half-smile of his own and waving back.


	2. Monday September 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> really short chapter--i might post another today if people want...

It was strange for Evan to walk into school on Monday without Jared. Usually Evan would get to school early and wait for Jared to pull up in his pick-up truck, a beat up old thing that used to be his father’s. Jared was always complaining about how it was breaking down all the time, and that it'd probably be cheaper for his family to just buy him a new car with what all the repair bills costs. Still, Evan knew he cherished the car and would probably throw a hissy fit if his parents followed through on his plans to junk the old pick-up.

Evan had waited in front of the school for nearly ten minutes before remembering that Jared would be gone for the week.

 

 

School was a stressful place for Evan. He was a weird kid, he knew that; all his shirts were too big and he always looked at his shoes and stuttered when talking to people. Kids had been picking on him since elementary school.

First period was easy. Everyone was still half-asleep and the teacher kept the more disruptive students in the front of the class, so Evan could doze off in the back of the classroom. Second period was rougher. There was a bleach-blond guy with pierced ears that sat directly behind Evan, he was always pulling his chair out from under him or “accidentally” bumping into his desk and knocking his papers to the floor. Most of his classes were like that, actually.

Still, Evan could always count on 6th period. Besides being the last class of the day, it was the one class he shared with Jared, and it was his favorite subject too--Biology. But today things didn’t seem to be going his way.

“Alright kids, I’ll let you get to picking your partners now,” Evan sunk in his seat, chewing on his bottom lip nervously and watching Mrs. McGillin, his science teacher, with wide eyes. _A group project?_ Usually he’d be glad for an assignment like this--he’d get to pair up with Jared and they’d spend the whole weekend procrastinating doing the project and eating junk food before scrambling to get it all done last minute. It wasn’t the best work ethic, but they usually got by with a B.

But with Jared gone it meant that Evan would have to find someone else to work with.

 _Why couldn’t she just have assigned us partners?_ Evan pouted, taking a second to glance around before looking back down at his desk. Most of the students had gotten out of their seats and raced over to their friends.

“Hey,” Evan’s heart nearly stopped when someone approached his desk, “you’re the kid that just moved in next door right?” In front of his desk stood a familiar looking girl, a pretty blonde that he thought he shared a few classes with. Evan stared up at her in confusion. “I’m Zoe Murphy,” she smiled and Evan blushed, one of his hands pulling at the hem of his shirt nervously, “I saw you walking to school this morning--I’m sure my mom will stop by any day now with a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift. Anyway, me and Alana need a third person in our group. Wanna join?” Zoe gestured over to a girl with big round-glasses who was scribbling intently in her notebook.

 _I didn't know Connor had a sister._ Of course, why should he know? It wasn't as if he had actually ever met Connor Murphy (although the fact that his and Zoe's last names were the same should've been a give-in that they were related). Speaking of Zoe, she was still looking intently down at him. Evan’s chest tightened for a second before he nodded.

“Yeah,” his winced as his voice cracked and he looked quickly down at his desk before looking back up at Zoe, “um, yeah, th-that would be nice.”

Zoe beamed, striding back over to Alana and gesturing for Evan to follow.


	3. Monday September 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> headcannon: jared watches conspiracy theory videos on youtube when he has trouble sleeping

Evan sat cross legged on Zoe Murphy’s couch, feeling very small in the big living room. Zoe and Alana had decided it would be good to meet up after school and start their project since both of them had extracurriculars later on in the week.

Currently, the two were both in a heated debate over how they should present; Zoe wanted to make a poster board and Alana wanted to have a model diagram. Evan had shrunk back to the corner of the couch in an effort to stay out of the crossfire.

“Um, Zoe,” Evan scooted an inch closer to the blonde during a lull in the debate between the two teenage girls, trying to get her attention.

“What’s up?” she broke away from Alana’s fiery gaze and leaned back on the couch. Evan looked down at his crossed legs and tugged gently at his shoelaces.

“C-Could I get a glass of water?”

“Sure,” she turned to the side and pointed to the doorway behind the couch, “kitchen’s right through there. Cups are in the left hand cabinet and we have one of those water dispenser thingies in the fridge,” Evan nodded and muttered a soft “thanks” before slipping off the couch and heading to the kitchen.

The Murphy’s kitchen was big and spotless, it was almost dizzying for Evan to walk inside. He thought of his own kitchen; small and dirty with mushy tiles and a fridge that was never full. He felt his stomach churn, wondering what Zoe would think if she saw his house. _Pathetic_. Evan quickly shook his head, pushing away his negative thoughts and trying to focus back on the task at hand.

 _Which cabinet was it again? The left one?_ Evan hesitantly walked to left, paling when he came face-to-face with a wall of cabinets. _Shit._ He stared blankly at all the cabinets before finally picking one to open at random. It was filled with wine glasses. _Guess not._ Heclosed the door gently before picking another cabinet; this one decked with bowls and plates. _Not here either._

“Looking for something?” Evan jumped in surprise and turned on his heels, facing Connor Murphy with wide eyes. Connor took a step back, looking equally surprised by Evan’s reaction. “Fuck. Sorry,” he shoved his hands in his pockets and apologized, something that left Evan gaping. Connor Murphy? Apologizing? Evan tried to force his mind to stay focused on the answering the intimidating boy in front of him and not babbling some nonsensical bullshit.

“No, ah, um, it’s okay, I--,” _well, there's goes any chance I had of not looking like a complete idiot_. Evan looked down at his feet, one of his hands moving to the back of his neck and digging into the flesh harshly, “sorry, I should’ve been paying more attention…” Evan trailed off, an awkward silence settled over the two until Connor cleared his throat.

“So, um,” Evan looked up, “were you looking for something? This place can be a bit of a maze,” Connor gave a tight-lipped, awkwardly forced smile, keeping his hands in his pockets and looking to the side rather than directly at Evan.

“Oh, um, I-I was just trying to find the glasses,” Evan said quickly, still feeling a bit on edge. Connor nodded and walked briskly past him, opening one of the cabinets and pulled out a glass. He stood an arm-length away from Evan and held the glass out as if he were afraid to actually get close to him--a observation that both amused and confused Evan.

“Here you go,” Evan took the glass gladly, continuing to look down at his shoes and urging himself to say something, _you should at least thank him._ Before Evan had a chance to find any words Connor began backing away towards the door, “um… I’ll just,” he was halfway turned around before Evan decided to speak up.

“Wait!” Connor froze abruptly. Evan shied back, knowing he had spoken a little loud, “um,” he stuck out his hand stiffly, “I’m Evan. Um, Evan Hansen.” Connor gave him a strange look, and Evan considered retreating his hand or maybe just hopping out the window and shoving his head in the ground like an ostrich--yeah that seemed like a good idea, but his plans were quickly interrupted by Connor accepting his handshake, the same quirky half-smile Evan had seen him wear a few nights back playing on his lips.

“Connor Murphy,” his hands were a lot softer than Evan expected, the only roughness stemming from the cuts and bruises that decorated his knuckles, and only now did Evan notice that black polish coated Connor's fingernails. “So,” the brunet slipped his hand away from Evan’s and placed it back into the pocket of his hoodie, “what are you doing here? Did Cynthia invite you over?”

“Cynthia?” Evan tipped his head to the side, not having heard the name before. _Does he have another sister?_

“My mom,” Connor clarified, and Evan shook his head.

“Oh, no, um, I-I’m here with Zoe,” Evan gestured towards the doorway to the front room, where Zoe and Alana’s voices could still be faintly heard. It seemed as if their argument had died down. “Me, her and Alana are doing a project on behavioral ecology together.”

“I didn’t know you knew my sister,” Connor’s voice had become more cautious, his dark eyes narrowing slightly, although Evan had focused his attention back on his blue-laced shoes and didn’t notice the change in Connor's expression.

“I... I don’t, not really,” the blond traced the rim of his still-empty glass, eyes moving his smudged reflection in the bottom of the glass, “she asked me to join her group--usually I partner up with my friend Jared, but..." Evan's grip tightened on the glass and his hand and he felt pathetic knowing that he had just made it obvious that he didn't have any other friends. _Pathetic, Hansen. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic._ The next words that left his mouth came out softly, he was too busy fretting over how he was being perceived to focus on the volume of his voice, "he’s out of town.”

“Kleinman?” Evan nodded, looking up.

“You know him?” he asked, grasping onto the familiarity of Jared's name and momentarily forgetting that half the reason he knew about Connor was because Jared and him shared nearly half their schedule.

“Not personally,” Connor hesitated for a second before going on, “he sits near me in Trig. He’s the kid that’s always going on about how the moon landing was faked, right?”

“Yeah, that's him!” Evan nodded, at first vigorously, then slowing to a more ‘right, _that’s_ my best friend’ sort of nod, “yeah… that's him...” Connor chuckled at Evan’s expression, something that sent a shiver up his spine. He wasn't too sure why. It wasn't a chilling noise, but it seemed gruff, almost hoarse, as if it wasn't something he did very often.

Evan's toes curled into the sole of his shoes and he tried not to look Connor in the eyes.

“Hey, Evan,” the comfortable heir that had settled between the two boys seemed to shatter as Zoe walked into the room. Both her and Connor seemed to freeze up as they spotted each other. “You’ve been in here for awhile,” Zoe said slowly, cautiously, her eyes fixated on her brother before moving to Evan, “is something wrong?”

“Oh, um, no,” Evan said quickly, feeling awkward and small as the two siblings directed their attention towards him. There was nearly a minute of very uncomfortable silence, and Evan could feel his mind begin to panic, before Connor began to edge away.

“I’ll be in my room,” he said softly and to no one in particular, exiting through a different door than Zoe had entered. Zoe watched him leave, waiting until the gentle thud of footsteps faded away before turning to Evan.

“Sorry, I wouldn’t have sent you in here alone if I knew he was around,” Zoe apologized, gently taking the empty glass from Evan’s hand and filling it up from the tap in the fridge.

“Oh, um, i-it’s okay,” Evan said, nodding a thanks as Zoe handed the full glass back to him. Zoe walked back into the living room where Alana was, leaving a very confused and uncomfortable Evan alone in the Murphy's kitchen.


	4. Monday September 19

“My mom’s here,” Zoe and Evan tore their gaze away from the Murphy's flat-screen TV and looked to Alana, who was shoving her phone into the pocket of her skirt. After working out the kinks of their project Zoe and Alana had insisted that Evan stay and watch _Brooklyn 99_ with them until Alana’s mother showed up to take her home.

“Guess I should probably go too,” Evan muttered, joining Alana in putting his supplies into his backpack. Zoe paused the show, which was just a little over halfway through. Evan had liked it a lot more than he was expecting too, although he knew that a few of the jokes had gone over his head since Zoe and Alana had started him on Season 3. 

“Boo,” Zoe stuck her tongue out at the two, “promise we’ll finish next time?” Alana rolled her eyes but promised nonetheless. They looked to Evan expectantly, and it took him a second to register that they were awaiting his answer. _They wanna hang out with you..._ He felt butterflies in his stomach; the three hadn't talked much while watching the show, just sat in a comfortable silence and laughed at the jokes together (which was nice because whenever Evan watched TV with Jared he always talked through it). The blond quickly nodded his own promise, satisfying the two teenage girls.

“See you guys tomorrow,” Alana called over her shoulder as she left the Murphy house. Evan lingered by the door, grasping the straps of his backpack nervously.

“Um…” Zoe, who hadn't moved from her spot on the couch, was flipping through the channels on the TV. Evan coughed quietly to get her attention.

“Something wrong?” Evan shook his head.

“It’s just,” his gaze flicked towards the kitchen doorway, “I-I was wondering if I could say goodbye to Connor?”

Zoe blinked in surprise.

“Uh, sure,” she seemed a bit uneasy, Evan wasn’t sure whether or not it was his fault. _She probably thinks you're stupid for asking such a dumb question. 'Could I say goodbye to Connor?' She's not his mom, Hansen_ , “his room is upstairs. You’ll know it when you see it. It’s hard to miss.”

Evan nodded and rushed a “thank you” before heading to the kitchen and walking through the doorway he had seen Connor go through earlier. The stairs were easy to find. There were two rooms at the top; one decorated with those glow-in-the-dark stars that kids put on the ceilings of their bedrooms, the other with what looked like a stop sign nailed into it. Evan assumed the latter was Connor’s.  _How do you even get one of those?_

Evan knocked on the door gently, waited a few minutes, then knocked again a little louder.

"Stay out!" Connor's voice growled out from inside.

Evan looked at the door again for a few seconds, the butterflies in his stomach returning but this time they felt more like wasps stinging his gut.  _Of course he doesn't want to talk to you,_ he pushed the thought down--Connor didn't even know it was him! Unless he had the power to see through walls. Evan cursed the thought as soon as it came into his head, knowing that Connor had a clear view of his room from his own bedroom window and oh god he probably knew that Evan was a total slob and thought he was disgusting and-- _he can't actually see through walls, idiot._

"Right," Evan mumbled the word under his breath. He looked back at Connor's door, feeling himself knock again on impulse before his mind could tell him what  _a fucking horrible idea that was Hansen, if he wasn't through with your shit before he sure is now. Just wait, he's gonna tear that stop sign off the front of his door and bash your hea--_ "It's Evan," his voice came out shaky as he battled his inner thoughts, chest constricting when Connor didn't give an immediate reply.

“Door’s unlocked!” Connor’s voice called out from the inside, less sharp than it had been before. Evan let out a relieved breath, waiting for a few unsure seconds before he opened the door gingerly, noticeably nervous.

Connor was sitting back on his bed, a purple paperback in one hand. He had earbuds plugged into his phone, one placed in his ear and the other pulled out.

“Hey,” he looked up from his book as Evan opened the door.

“Hi,” Evan fidgeted with the straps of his backpack, “I, um, I-I was just heading out a-and didn’t really get to say goodbye to you earlier, so, um, goodbye? Oh! And thank you, for the--the, um, the glass, the one that you helped me find,” he pursed his lips, “sorry, that was weird, wasn't it? It was. Sorry. I--sorry, just... forget I said anything. Sorry.” Evan cursed himself in his head, clammy hands fumbling with the doorknob as he tried to close the door.

“Hey!” Evan looked warily up. Connor had sat up and was pulling the other earbud out of his ear. “Uh, it was nice talking to you today,” he curled one of his fingers around the cord of his earbuds, “see you tomorrow?” Evan visibly relaxed, letting out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding and a soft, content smile slipped onto his face.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”


	5. Tuesday September 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i finally got to write some connor POV

Connor leaned against the blue lockers, scratching at one of his wrists.

 _He was probably just being nice_ , he thought, watching the other students in the hallway pass by, _there's no way he actually wants to talk to a freak like you_ . Still, Connor had more pleasant interactions with Evan Hansen in the past few days than he had with anyone else in the past few years--it gave him a hope that he knew was dangerous. _God, he probably just pities you._

He tried to think back to the other day, to what Evan's face had looked like when he'd opened Connor's door. Nervous? But, then again, Evan Hansen always looked nervous. Well, at least every time Connor had seen him. Not that it was unusual for Connor to make other people nervous; he'd heard the rumors people whispered when his back was turned. That he was some crackhead, one high away from shooting up the school. That he skinned cats and hung their skulls up on trees like christmas ornaments. Of course, there were many more, each one just as bogus as the next.

 _Still..._  he thought back to Evan smiling. He had only caught a glimpse of it before Evan had pulled his bedroom door closed and bolted back to his own house. It hadn't seemed like a pity-smile, and Connor had seen more than his fair share of pity-smiles. But it hadn't seemed like a "you're fucking terrifying so I'm just going to smile and hope you don't punch me in the face" kind of smile either. It was just sort of an Evan smile, small and gentle and easily overlooked but it caught Connor's attention and--he could almost feel his father hiss the word  _sissy_ into his ear.

He scratched harder at his wrist.

The brunet felt his heart jump into his throat as he spotted Evan walking down the hallway towards him, but his eyes were planted firmly on the tiles below him and it was obvious that he had yet to take notice of Connor.

The tall teen brushed a few stray hairs away from his face, wondering if he should approach the blond.

He had known Evan Hansen since freshman year--well, known _of_ Evan Hansen since freshmen year. Of course, he didn’t know his name, or if they were even in the same grade, but after years of being a social outcast it was easy to pick out others of his kind. He hadn’t really bothered to make an effort to talk to him before, especially with that loudmouth Jared Kleinman around, but Connor's therapist, a tight-lipped woman whose was _way_ too chatty with his mother, had been getting on him to make some “more friends” (as if he had any to begin with) and, despite not trusting the woman, Connor didn’t think he would really mind being friends with Evan Hansen.

Connor shoved his hands into his pockets, noting that Evan was just a few footsteps away. He had looked up, eyes catching on Connor’s. Connor froze for a split second before giving a short half-wave and quickly retreating his hand back into the pocket of his hoodie. Evan waved eagerly back, slowing to stop in front of the taller boy.

“Hey,” Connor greeted, trying his best to be nonchalant. Evan had his usual small, nervous smile on his face.

“Hi,” he chirped back, pulling at the hem of his shirt. It was a bright sky-blue and way too big for the poor boy, making him seem shorter and skinnier than he actually was. There was a short silence between the two of them, Connor trying desperately to think of something to say, before Evan piped up again. “Hey, um,” he paused, looking directly down at his shoes, “do… you wanna…” his voice died down, his grip tightening on the hem of his shirt before he shook his head and sighed, “never mind,” he looked up apologetically for a second before glancing to the side and edging away, “I’m just gonna, uh, stop bothering you now…” He turned on his heels and began walking away at a brisk pace. Connor watched him walk away for moment before pushing off the lockers and taking a single step forward, calling after him.

“Hey, Evan!” the tall teen felt a beat of adrenaline rush through him, pushing himself to continue speaking as Evan looked over his shoulder from halfway down the hallway, “wanna hang out sometime?!”

It took Evan a second to register what he had been asked.

“Yeah!”

 

“Zoe?” Evan looked up in surprise when Connor's sister approached him. He hadn’t realized how many classes the two shared.

“Hey Hansen,” it was five minutes before the lunch bell rang and most of the students had abandoned their seats in favor of standing by the door. Zoe straddled the chair of the desk in front of Evan’s so that she could talk to him. “Just wanted to let you know that we won’t be able to meet after school today or tomorrow. I’ve got band practice and Alana has debate. That cool with you, right?” Evan nodded.

He wondered what it was like to have such a busy schedule. It sounded stressful. The only time he ever had after school plans was when Jared's mother sent him over to the Hansen's house. The two were close, yes, but Jared's parents still played a large part in his friendship with Evan. Their two families had been intertwined for generations--they were probably related somewhere down the line (a thought that kind of grossed Evan out), and when Jared had first started hanging out with Evan his parents had to bribe him into it. It was something they did up to this day, except now instead of letting him have dessert before dinner they were paying for his car insurance.

“Oh, and, well…” Evan shoved the last of his papers into his backpack, running a hand through his hair, “do you kn-know where Connor goes during lunch?”

He winced a little, knowing that it must seem like a weird question, but he had basically bolted after agreeing to hang out with Connor and didn’t even know how to get in touch with him or what “hanging out” entailed. He hoped it wasn’t drugs. Or skipping class. Although he could live with skipping class. And maybe with drugs? _No._ Evan nipped the thought from his head. He didn’t want to do drugs but, in all honesty, if he was offered some he’d probably be too scared to turn it down. 

“Actually, I sort of wanted to talk to you about Connor,” she evaded his question and for the first time since meeting Zoe, Evan saw her look nervous. She bit down on her lip and looked to the side, giving Evan a glimpse of the glittery-green butterfly hair clip that pinned her bangs back on one side. _I haven’t seen one of those for a long time_ , Evan decided to focus his gaze on the hair clip because he didn't want to look Zoe in the eyes but it sounded like she wanted to talk about something important and she might think he was rude and never want to talk to him again if he just looked down at his desk like he usually did . “I don’t think you should hang around him,” it took a second, but eventually Evan’s brows furrowed in confusion. _What?_ Zoe spoke up again before Evan could say anything, “it’s just, you're nice, and my brother… well, he’s got..." she twisted a strand of her hair, “issues.”

Zoe looked like she wanted to say more, but was interrupted by the loud ringing of the lunch bell. Sighing, she stood up and pushed her chair in, giving Evan a sympathetic look. “Look, I’m not saying… I don’t mean to meddle or anything. I just think you should be careful around him.”


	6. Tuesday September 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short short short short

Evan hugged his backpack to his chest, waiting for the students clogging the doorways to dissipate before he got up from his seat. He hadn’t been able find Connor at lunch, and Zoe’s words had put him on edge. Was Connor actually dangerous? He hadn’t seemed all that dangerous. But, then again, people don’t exactly make it to the top of the “Kids Most Likely To Shoot Up The School” list for nothing, right?

Evan felt goosebumps rise along his arms.

 _But…_ Evan tried to come up with some defense for Connor, but his mind drew a blank. He didn’t really know the kid, did he? He had only talked with him, what? Twice?  _But…_

Evan began walking around the school, looking for Connor but not so sure he really wanted to find him.

He tried to think of what Connor could’ve done to make Zoe not want Evan around him. She mentioned that he had "issues", but that could mean any number of things. His steps faltered. _Does he… hurt her?_ Sure, Evan had heard stories of Connor getting into fights with other kids now and then, but he didn’t seem violent, not when Evan had talked to him. And, hurting his sister? Okay, it defiantly didn't seem like they were on the best of terms, but would Connor really do that? 

 

Evan let out an unsure breath, having circled the school twice and finding no sign of Connor Murphy.

 _Maybe it’s for the best…_ he thought, starting on his walk home. He wasn’t even sure what he would have said to Connor if he had found him. _Hey! I know I said I wanted to hang out but your little sister said to stay away from you and I sort of think that might be a good idea since, y’know, half the kids in the school think you’ve got mutilated prostitutes locked up in your basement._

Evan felt sick at the thought. He didn’t like that he was letting himself give into believing that this gossip-drawn version of Connor was the actual Connor Murphy, but the thought kept nagging at the back of his mind and he couldn’t seem to push it away.

He felt himself slow as he approached the entrance of the town’s orchard.

The place was run down, bound to foreclose any year now. It was sort of a safe haven for Evan; it was practically abandoned and filled with lush undergrowth and wildlife. It was a serene place, safe from the noise of the town with plenty of tall trees for him to climb up. Evan had always been an outdoorsy sort of kid and from a young age he had taken to secluding himself in the orchard after rough days at school.

Although, he hadn’t been in since…

Evan tugged on the straps of his backpack, looking at the old rusty gates of the orchard and trying hard to push away the memory that had just surfaced. 

He stood silently for a few minutes before looking down at the worn-out watch clinging to his wrist, it read 3:45 and he figured that he could pass a few hours in the orchard before he had to head home.


	7. Tuesday September 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: drug use

Okay, so, maybe ditching school for the day hadn’t been the best idea.

Connor knew he’d be in for a mouthful from Cynthia when he got home, even more so when she smelled the pot on him. She’d tear up and spew some nonsense about how he needed to keep himself together for “the sake of their family”. As if it was _his_ fault that their family was so fucked up, as if _he_ could fix it by somehow transforming into the perfect son overnight.

Bullshit, right? He took another drag from his joint, which had burned down to a short stub.

“Fucking bullshit,” he spat out to the tree in front of him, a little dazed from the high. He hadn’t smoked as much as he usually did, knowing he had a stack of Trig homework to tackle when he finally decided to go home, and Math and weed didn’t exactly go together all that well (Psychology and weed was a different story, Connor had written half of his Psych essay’s high just for shits and giggles and managed to get an B on all but one of them).

 _Guess I should head home._ Connor put the joint out on the ground, having to grip onto the tree he had been leaning against for support as he got to his feet.

He liked to come to the old orchard when he smoked. It was familiar, quiet, and void of people--so he didn’t have to worry about being set off and going into a half-conscious rampage.

He could just sit and smoke and let everything go.

The sky glowed orange, and somewhere in Connor’s mind he knew he should head home, that he needed to get home before Larry because if he wasn’t locked away in his room when his father got off work things could get ugly. Well, not could, they  _would_ get ugly. They always did. 

Connor looked around, trying to remember which way the exit was until his eyes stopped, focusing on something not-quite-right in one of the trees and unable to move away. It was a color; blue. A bright sky-blue, except right now the sun was setting and the sky was orange and why would there be blue? Connor was finding it hard to focus. He took a few steps forward and squinted.

Blue and… gold? A dusty gold. Both seemed so familiar…

 _Evan?_ Connor blinked, half-sure he was hallucinating. Why the fuck would Evan Hansen be up in a tree? But, as Connor stumbled forward, getting closer, he became more and more sure that it was Evan. _Of course it’s him,_ it felt like Connor couldn’t take two steps these days without running into Evan Hansen. Not that it was a bad thing, but not that it was a good thing either. It was just… a thing. That happened. A lot. And Connor liked it, but he wasn’t too sure he wanted it to keep happening. It’s why he went running off from school to smoke in the first place. He needed to think. But he didn’t want to think. So he had just… stopped thinking. 

At some point Connor had stopped walking forward, zoning out while watching Evan climb the tree. It was an old tree--a pine, maybe? Not that Connor knew anything about trees, other than their leaves change color and every one of the professors in Pokemon was named after one.

He felt something inside him snap to attention as Evan climbed dangerously higher and higher and higher and higher and--there was something really wrong with the branch he had just grabbed onto. Connor couldn’t tell what it was. He didn’t know anything about trees. It just seemed to be sticking out… weirdly? At a weird angle? Yeah. That was it. It was definitely sticking out at a weird angle. Connor wanted to call out to Evan, to tell him this, but instead he just sort of stood there and watched because what if he startled Evan again like he had in the kitchen and Evan lost his grip and--

_SNAP._

The sound echoed in Connor’s ears. It didn’t sound like Connor had expected it to sound. He would’ve thought a tree branch breaking would sound the same way a pencil did when it snapped in half, but this sounded more like the crackling of thunder.

Things were silent after that.

Slow.

Connor tried to focus. What had happened again? The tree branch Evan had been holding onto now dangled limply, only a strip of bark keeping attacked to the tree. Where was Evan? Connor felt his mouth run dry at the question. Where was Evan? His gaze immediately went down to the base of the tree.

_Holy shit._

It took another second before Connor fully realized what had just happened.

_Holy shit!_

Adrenaline pumped through his veins and he bolted forward, making a beeline towards where a motionless Evan Hansen lay crumpled at the base of the old tree. _Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit,_ his mind had made the subconscious decision to sober up as he skidded to a halt in front of Evan.

“Holy shit,” the words came out of his mouth mangled and high pitched. Evan had fallen on his side something was definitely wrong with his right arm, really really wrong. It stuck out at a weird angle, just like the branch of tree had and _what is wrONG WITH YOU WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL HIM THE BRANCH WAS BROKEN YOU FUCKING FAGGOT._  Connor felt like he was beginning to sink in on himself but knew he couldn’t, he couldn’t have a fucking panic attack right now because Evan Hansen was lying motionless on the ground and why the fuck hadn’t Connor called an ambulance yet?!

Connor fell to his knees, ripping his backpack open and fishing his phone out. _How the fuck do you even call an ambulance?_ He stared down at his phone, feeling his mind begin to blur again now that the adrenaline was running out. _Shit, Connor, you need to focus._ He typed in the number for 911, he think you called 911 for shit like this?

Shakily, he reached out and grabbed Evan’s hand as the phone rang, feeling his wrist for a pulse.

“Hello, this is 911. What’s your emergency?”

“Um, my…” was Evan his friend? They’d barely talked. _Fuck, Connor, this is NOT the time!_ “Um, Evan--no, shit, wait, not _my_ Evan, just--fuck,” he took a deep breath, “I need an ambulance. Now.”


	8. Saturday September 24

Evan had been in an ambulance when he first regained full consciousness. He had a hard time remembering anything before that. He had been climbing a tree, and then suddenly he hadn’t. The doctors had told him that it was normal for people who had a concussion to have trouble remembering what happened while they were in the concussion. The doctors had also told him that he had broken his arm and would have to wear a cast for 4-6 weeks, and that he was lucky to have not been more seriously injured.

That had been four days ago.

Since then Evan had been stuck in the hospital, which wasn’t all that bad because he got to see a lot of his mom, who worked there as a nurse. Every time she got a break she would stop by his room to check up on him. He had been so relieved when she wasn’t mad at him for getting his arm broken. She had just sat at the edge of his bed and waited for him to stop bombarding her with apologies before telling him that it was okay and that he was okay and that everything was going to be fine. Sometimes Evan forgot how soothing his mother’s voice could be.

“Earth to Hansen,” Evan looked up. Right. Jared.

Jared hadn't learned about Evan's arm-breaking incident until he had gotten back into town on Thursday night. Of course, he had spent the next 24 hours bombarding Evan with questions, most of which Evan hadn't been able to answer because he was either under observation from the doctor or fumbling to text with his left hand because his right one was stuck in a cast. Jared's mother had sent him over as soon as she could, sending with him a much-too-expensive care package.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” Jared rolled his eyes. He had ripped open the care package his mother had bought for Evan and gone straight for the box of chocolates.

“I was asking you if you really fought Connor Murphy?” Evan’s eyes widened. _What?_ He winced, the sudden surprised gasp he made making his chest hurt. He had bruised one of his ribs during the fall, and it had become a near-constant source of pain for him since he, apparently, couldn't go three seconds without hyperventilating.

“What?” Jared licked some chocolate off his fingers before answering.

“Connor Murphy? Did you fight him?” there was a tone to Jared’s voice that made it obvious that he knew Evan’s answer would be “no”.

It was all very confusing for Evan.

“No…? Why?” Jared smirked, setting the box of chocolates aside.

“Because the whole school thinks he tried to murder you,” Jared laughed at the near-horrified expression on Evan’s face, “apparently some kids heard you guys shouting at each other in the hallway, then later on that day you get chucked into an ambulance at the exact same time and place that he gets arrested--”

“He got arrested?” Evan sputtered. Jared laughed again.

“Yup! Heard it from the guy that sits next to me in APUSH--he saw the whole thing go down! Well, I mean, not _the whole thing_ . He was biking home and stopped when he saw the ambulance parked in front of that orchard you’re always hanging out at. He saw the paramedics leading you into the ambulance and Connor talking to the police and put two and two together, y’know?”

Evan felt sick. Was everyone at school talking about this? About _him_? Jared caught Evan’s expression and toned down his amusement.

“Hey, for the record I’ve been backing you up. Told everyone that you’re a lot stronger than you look--no way could that emo fuck beat you up unless he was packing some serious guns under all those hoodies,” Evan looked out the window, unamused and not at all comforted by Jared’s words. “Anyway,” Jared flopped back on the bed, “you never got around to telling how you actually broke your arm. Wait! Let me guess! You fell out of a tree?”

“I--yeah,” Jared burst into laughter for the third time that evening and Evan couldn’t help but crack a smile as well. He guessed it was a little funny--Jared had always been avidly against him climbing trees and had warned him that he’d break a bone falling out of a one for years.

“No fucking way! So you finally did it?” Jared opened his mouth to say more but was cut off by the door creaking open. Both boys turned to see Connor Murphy standing in the doorway.


	9. Saturday September 24

There was a long pause before Jared decided to speak up.

“What are you? A fucking vampire? No need to wait for someone to invite you in, Dracula,” Connor looked more annoyed than amused at Jared’s little joke, not that Jared seemed to mind. Instead, he sat up and hopped off the hospital bed. He looked less than comfortable with the silence that had fallen over the group. “Actually, Ev, I think I’m gonna bounce. Visiting time’s almost over and my mom’s supposed to be here in a few minutes anyway," he strode past Connor, who was lingering in the doorway, "shoot me a text if freak-o here gives you any trouble," Evan felt a chill at the harsh looked at crossed Connor's face, noting that he was clenching his hands so tight they had gone white. "Have fun, lovebirds,” he shot Evan a wink, cackling evilly as he dashed away from the hospital room.

The door swung shut behind him and a awkward silence fell over Connor and Evan.

 _You should say something._  Evan opened his mouth, didn't know what so say, and closed it again. Connor was pinching the bridge of his nose, his face lightly flushed with what Evan presumed to be anger. Evan decided to stay quiet, watching Connor with wide eyes. 

“Zoe couldn’t come,” the tall teen took his hand off his face and began roughly rummaging threw the bag that was swung over his shoulder, looking a little frazzled, “Cynthia, um, my mom, she figured I should give you this,” he pulled out a small stack of papers and walked over to Evan, handing them to him, “it’s the work you missed while you were gone…”

Another silence.

“Did you get arrested?” the words came out of Evan’s mouth rushed and he regretted them immediately after he said them.

“No,” his eyes had narrowed, but his voice was calm and he didn’t seem all that phased by the question, “but,” Connor lingered on the word for a few moments, brows furrowed, before he decided to continue on, “I did get escorted home by the cops. This is about when you were brought to the hospital, right?” Evan nodded, wondering if Connor would be mad if he asked why the cops had escorted him home. He didn’t have to, Connor answered on his own, “I was high. I ran into the cops when the ambulance came and they dropped me back off at my house with a warning.”

“Sorry…” Evan gripped the stiff sheets of his hospital bed.

“For what? Somehow mind controlling me to smoke pot in public?” Connor snorted, rolling his eyes.

“If I hadn’t fallen out of that tree then the ambulance wouldn’t have come and…” Evan felt himself trail off, “sorry.”

“You say that a lot,” Evan looked up, feeling himself freeze. Connor was looking at him intently, the right side of his mouth quirked up and few strands of long hair curled in front of his eyes, brown turning gold as they caught on the light filtering through the dingy hospital window, and it was wrong to think Connor looked _pretty_ wasn’t it?

“Sorry,” Evan looked down at his fists that were curled in his bed sheets and wasn’t too sure what he was apologizing for this time. Maybe his own thoughts. Connor chuckled at his answer, shaking his head.

A silence fell between them again, but this time it was more comfortable. Connor was looking out the window with a strange expression on his face; he wasn’t smiling, just looking out the window with his lips just the slightest bit parted and his eyes focusing on something in the distance. Evan had leaned back against the wall next to his bed, looking at Connor’s reflection in the window.

The silence was interrupted by a nurse barging into the room.

“Visiting time is almost over, Mr. Murphy,” the nurse reminded before exiting the room nearly as quickly as she had walked in.

“I should probably go,” Connor said, adjusting the worn out strap of his bag. Evan nodded.

“H-Hey, um,” Evan shifted under the taller teen’s gaze, trying to find something to say. He didn’t want Connor to leave, even if they weren’t talking. He didn’t want to be left alone again. For a second he felt his anxiety bubbling in his stomach and an image of his father's truck driving away popped into his head, which he knew was stupid because Connor wasn’t anything like his father in fact equating Connor to his father was making Evan pretty uncomfortable and besides he was only going to leave because the nurse had told him visiting time was over, but…

 _But you’ll still be all by yourself_ , Evan held back a whimper, his heart catching in his throat when he noticed Connor staring at him funny. How long had he been silent? _Shit, say something_ , his mind jumped back to the day he had broken his arm, when he was talking with Connor in the hallway, “d-do, um, do you still wanna hang out sometime?”

“Yes,” Evan looked up, surprised by how quickly Connor had answered. Connor’s eyes widened and he snapped his head to the side, his hair now blocking his face from Evan’s view, “I mean, yeah, that’d be nice.”


	10. Monday September 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm getting such nice comments and guys you are literally killing me they're all so amazing and you're all so amazing and i'm going to die happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: anxiety attack

Evan frowned as he looked at himself in the mirror. He had never liked the way he looked. His hair was blond--he didn’t like blond hair on guys, half the guys that bullied him at school were blond. His father was blond. None of his shirts fit him right, they were either all too big or two small. Luckily, fall was setting and he'd be able to wear more jackets--but even those looked awkward on him, and they'd look even more awkward with his bulky cast. Evan had freckles too, but they were dark and dotted his face at random.

But Evan liked his eyes, his eyes were blue--like his mother’s. Blue was their color, which might’ve been why it was Evan’s favorite color.

“Evan,” he kept his eyes on the mirror, too distracted with looking himself over to hear his mother call for him. Had he gotten more freckles? He thought they were going away now that the weather was getting colder. “Honey!” this time he heard her, snapping his gaze to the door for a moment before it slowly trailed back to the mirror. He had defiantly gotten more freckles.

“Coming, mom!” he called out, looking at himself for just a few more seconds. The cast made him look lopsided, and the stark whiteness of it was sure to stand out at school. Evan tore his gaze away from the mirror, shrugged on his backpack and trudged downstairs.

He had hoped he’d get stuck in the hospital longer, although he knew it was selfish to want that because hospital bills were expensive, but the doctor had given him the all-clear to go to school on Monday, so here he was.

“Morning sunshine,” Heidi beamed at her son as he dragged himself towards the front door, trying to delay the inevitable horror that was school. Did people still think he and Connor had fought? Were they talking about him? Would they talk _to_ him? God, he hoped not, “are you sure you’re good to walk to school today? I could drive you?”

Evan shook his head. He always walked to school. His mother worked weird shifts, half of them at night, and he would feel guilty having her chauffeur him around in the mornings, when she should be relaxing. Especially when the school was just a fifteen minute walk away. 

“I’m fine,” he reinforced his statement with a plastic smile. His mother gave his shoulder a squeeze.

“Alright, oh! And make sure to thank Connor Murphy when you get to school!” Evan, who had his hand on the doorknob, froze. He blinked rapidly before turning to face his mother, looking very confused. He hadn’t told his mother that someone had stopped by to drop off his homework, but he had never specified who. and she hadn’t asked. What else would have to thank Connor for? Talking to him? But how would his mother know about that?

“Oh!” Heidi slapped her face gently,  “shoot, you don’t remember, do you? The doctor told me you were having trouble remembering what happened during your concussion,” she shook her head, “Connor Murphy was the one that called the ambulance to come and get you, he found you when you fell out of the tree. I would've thanked him myself if I had the chance--he lives right next door, y'know? I was talking to his mother just the other day, she seems..." Heidi bit her tongue, searching for the right word,  "sweet."

“Oh,” Evan’s throat was dry and he had stopped listening to what his mother had said after her mentioning Connor, “okay.”

He waved his mom goodbye and quickly exited his house, mind buzzing. Why hadn’t Connor mentioned that before? _He probably doesn’t want you talking to him_ , Evan bit down on his tongue, _doesn’t want you knowing he helped you because he’d know you’d try to thank him with that whiny voice of yours. ‘Th-Th-Thank you’. Pathetic. That’s probably what he thinks of you! Pathetic! Pathetic little Evan Hansen. The only thing he’s good for is climbing trees--but, whoops, he can’t even do that right, now can he?_

Evan could feel his breathing became uneven, ragged, and the place where he had bruised his rib began to swell with pain. There was a gust of cold wind and it made goosebumps stand out against his suddenly much-too-hot skin. Why was everything so hot? He felt nauseous. He knew he shouldn’t be freaking out over this, it was stupid, it was nothing, but--

Oh god, he’d just been a nuisance to Connor this entire time, hadn’t he? Maybe this is what Zoe meant? That he should stay away from Connor because all he was doing was being a pest and Connor was bound to snap at him at some point? _Pathetic._ Did the whole school know? Of course they knew! They'd probably spent the whole week laughing at how  _pathetic_ he was. And, god, he  _was_ pathetic wasn't he? 

His mind began to fuzz and the only thing he could hear was the ringing of " _pathetic_ " in his ears, that is, until a familiar voice sounded. It was far away, but at the same time close. It sounded as if it was being shouted across a canyon, but being breathed into his ear at the same time. It was dizzying. Everything was hot and cold and dizzy.

“Hey,” speak of the devil and he shall appear, or well, _think_ if the devil and he shall appear in this case. Not that Evan was doing the best at thinking right now. There was just too much. He couldn't think. He wasn't even sure if he was standing anymore. He tried to look around, tried to focus, but that only served to make him more dizzy. For a second Evan thought he was going to throw up, and then he was okay, and then nOPE HE WAS DEFINITELY GOING TO THROW UP.

Evan made a humiliating sound--a high-pitched, mangled sort of squeak--before dashing clumsily past Connor and emptying the contents of his stomach into the bushes.


	11. Monday September 26

“Connor!” waking up to his sister nearly kicking down his door was never fun, “you need to get up! You’re gonna be late!” he simply turned over, waking up but making no move to get out of bed.

Zoe always got to school early to talk with her friends, so Connor figured that there was at least a good fifteen minutes before he actually had to get up. Besides, it didn’t matter if he was late anyway. His first period was art, he couldn’t fail art if he tried.

“Connor!” groaning, he reached around for something to throw at the door. He found a book on his bedside table, chucking it as hard as he could at the door. The thump it made against the wood signaled Zoe that he was awake, and he could hear her retreating down the stairs--probably to complain to Cynthia. The brunet shoved his face into his pillow for a few seconds before sitting up groggily. If he didn’t get dressed his mother would give him a lecture, and he didn’t need a lecture this early on in the day.

Half-asleep, Connor stumbled over to his dresser and cursed when there weren’t any clean shirts. Guess no one had bothered to do the laundry that weekend. He settled for a black hoodie in place of a shirt; it was a little baggy on him, and the collar was stretched out and left more of Connor’s neck exposed then he would’ve liked, but it was better than nothing. He grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor and struggled to get them on (there were so many holes in the jeans that he wasn’t actually sure which one his foot was supposed to go through, it took a few tries before he got it right).

 _Okay. I guess I’m presentable,_ Connor didn’t bother checking himself in the mirror; there was only one in his room and it was cracked because he had punched it one morning when he was feeling particularly shitty.

It was quiet when Connor went downstairs.

“Your mother left without you,” Larry answered, sipping coffee and reading the daily newspaper from his spot on the living room couch.

“Of course she did,” Connor mumbled under his breath, going to the kitchen and taking his medication container out of the refrigerator. He had to take three pills every day; two when he woke up, one before he went to sleep. He didn’t know their official names, but they were all antidepressants. At least he thought they were? He was still figuring out everything with his therapist and they hadn't found the right mix of medication; his pills switched up every few weeks.

He downed the two morning pills without water, decided to skip breakfast, then retreated to the bathroom so he could comb through his hair before walking to school.

 _Gross,_ he felt himself recoil as he looked in the mirror, finding his hands moving to his neck. Too exposed. The tall teen continued to look into the mirror until he decided to busy himself with brushing his hair and teeth so that he wouldn’t focus on how he looked. He didn’t know what it was about school that made him care about his appearance, it wasn’t like he actually cared what anyone there thought of him. When he was alone in his room he could wear whatever he wanted and actually feel _proud_ of his body.

 _Whatever._ He tossed his toothbrush near the sink once he was finished, spitting into the sink and not bothering to wash out the basin. It’d get to the drain eventually.

He slid down the railing instead of walking down the stairs, deliberately walking through the living room so that Larry would see him leaving.

Connor lingered by the front door for a second, waiting to see if Larry would acknowledge that he was going to school--or at least question if he was really going to school and not just ditching. He didn’t.  _Go figure._ Connor slammed the door particularly hard as he left, feeling irritated because of his father and even more irritated because he was letting his father irritate him. 

It only took a second for Connor to notice Evan. It looked like he had just left his house as well.

 _You should say hi,_ Connor stood rooted to his porch. He hadn’t talked with Evan since he’d visited him in the hospital two days ago. That had gone well, hadn’t it? Connor felt like it had gone well, but what did Connor know about social interaction? He’d only done it, what, once? Twice? Would it be weird to talk to him? Would it be weird not to? Connor decided that it would probably be more weird to not talk to him, especially if they were both walking to school. So, slowly, he made his way over to Evan, who had barely moved since leaving his house. 

“Hey,” now, Connor definitely provoked different reactions from different people. Some people took one look at him and coward away, some scowled, some looked immediately in the other direction, some glared disapprovingly--but never had anyone taken one look at him, paled like they had just seen a ghost, and thrown themselves in the bushes where they immediately began to hurl up their breakfast.

_Well. Fuck._


	12. Monday September 26

_What the fuck._ It took Connor a fews seconds to actually register what was going on. And when he finally did, he really couldn’t think of anything else except _what the fuck_ . Because _what the fuck_.

Then it occurred to him that he should probably try to help Evan, who was currently puking his brains out in some nearby bushes.

Connor approached slowly, feeling a little grossed out but also a little worried. He wasn’t too sure what to do. Gingerly, trying his best not to startle Evan, he got onto his knees and placed his hand on the boy’s back, moving his thumb in soft, slow circles. He vaguely remembered his mother doing the same thing to him at one point in his life.

Eventually Evan stopped, but he made no move to get out of the bushes for a good five minutes. Connor just sat with him, rubbing circles on his back and not sure what else to do.

“You... okay?” he asked eventually, pulling his hand away and wondering if he should just leave Evan alone. _He’s probably scared of you_.

“Yes,” Evan’s voice came back small and hoarse. He began to scrambled out of the bushes, and Connor scooted away, giving him space. Evan’s breathing was ragged and unsteady, his face red, sweat building on his brow; he definitely did not look okay. Instead of pressing him, Connor opened his bag and dug out a box of mints. They were pretty strong, he liked to keep them around because they were good at masking the scent of pot on his breath after he smoked. He tossed the box in Evan’s lap. The anxious boy stared at the aluminum tin for a moment before giving Connor a thankful look and popping a few mints in his mouth. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“No problem,” the two sat there in silence--a specialty of theirs--before Connor decided to speak up, “so, um…” he sat down fully, hands tracing the holes in his jeans, “wanna talking about,” he gestured vaguely to the bushes, “that?” Evan opened his mouth, closed it, opened it, then closed it again. It looked like he wanted to say “no”, but Connor didn’t feel like “no” was a very Evan word. “You don’t have to,” the lanky teen decided to add, “just… if you want, we can.”

“I--,” Evan’s breathing had started to return to a normal pace, and slowly his skin was returning to it’s usual sun-kissed color. He looked better, although defiantly a bit winded, as if he'd just run a marathon rather than puking in some bushes, “I, um, I don’t…”

Connor nodded, getting to his feet and holding a hand out to help Evan up. He took it carefully, handing Connor his mints back once the two were both standing.

“Alright,” Connor slipped the aluminum container back in his bag, “so… do you want to go home?” he looked over at Evan's house then back at Evan, who was shaking his head vigorously, very opposed to the idea. Connor couldn’t think of anything else to say, his mind still half-focused on what had just happened. Was it his fault? What else could it have been? _Freak._ Why wouldn’t Evan talk about it? _You’re a fucking monster, that’s why._ Did Connor really scare him that much?

“Have you, um,” Evan’s voice was shaky when he spoke up, “have you been to school s-since I broke my arm?” Connor looked at him quietly for a few seconds before shaking his head.

“No,” he started walking down the sidewalk, towards the school, waiting for Evan to follow before continuing, “I didn’t have anything important to do for the rest of the week, so I just skipped,” Not entirely true, but it wasn’t a lie either. He hadn't wanted to run into Evan, a part of him remembering watching Evan fall from the tree and feeling guilty that he hadn't warned him. 

“Oh,” Evan gripped tightly onto the straps of his backpack, “at school, um, Jared, he--well, he has this friend his AP US history class and--you see, um…” he took a deep breath before starting over, “Jared told me that people at school are saying that you attacked me--,” the next words came out of Evan’s mouth rushed, panicked, “b-but I know that you didn’t! A-And I told Jared that too! I just thought that might want to know incase someone hadn’t told you already and you heard from some random person and thought that _I_ was the one telling other people that you beat me up because you didn’t and it’s stupid that people think you did and, well...yeah…” Connor gritted his teeth.

“Stupid? I don’t know, seems pretty on brand for me, doesn’t it?” he wanted to sound sarcastic but words ended up coming out tight and strained, “fits into my whole “school shooter” aesthetic.” He let out a dry laugh, obviously forced. He cursed himself for that. He shouldn’t laugh. His laugh was stupid.

“I’m sorry,” Connor gave Evan a quizzical look, “i-if I hadn’t fallen out of that tree and gotten myself sent to the hospital then people wouldn’t think you beat me up, and it _is_ stupid that people think that because you seem nice, and everyone already says mean stuff about you and _I_ made it worse and… I’m sorry.”

 _He thinks I’m nice?_ Connor couldn’t remember the last time someone had called him nice. Connor couldn’t remember if anyone had _ever_ called him nice. He was the problem child. He’d thrown a printer at his teacher in second grade. He'd broken the school's record for unexcused absences during this year alone. He was a disappointment. He wasn't _nice_.

But, it felt nice to be called nice. God that was stupid, wasn’t it? Connor looked to the side.

“Hey, um,” he ran a hand through his hair, looking up to see the school quickly coming into view, “meet me at the computer lab at lunch?”


	13. Monday September 26

Evan fidgeted, nearly tearing the hem of his shirt with how hard he was tugging on it.

He didn’t have to do this.

Zoe had told him _not_ to go near, Connor, and Jared was back in school so it’s not like he didn’t have anywhere else to be. Speaking of Jared, he’d probably flip out if he knew what Evan was doing. He’d flip out if he knew Evan had even been talking to Connor.

But here he was anyway, pushing through the crowds of students to try and get to the computer lab. Connor hadn’t even told him why he wanted to meet Evan there. Maybe he was just gonna bash his head against one of the monitors for being such a pest? Evan wouldn’t blame him. They’d been late to school that morning because of his little freak out. Evan would bash his own head against one of the monitors if he wasn’t so afraid of destroying school property.

“You came,” Connor looked up from picking at his nail polish as Evan opened the door to the computer lab. He stood up stiffly and walked towards Evan in long strides. This was it. He was gonna drag Evan inside and stomp on his stomach until his guts turned to mush. “Come with me,” Connor walked past Evan, grabbing his good wrist tightly as he did so and began to drag Evan down the nearly-empty hallway.

Evan made brief eye contact with some random kid who gave him a sympathetic look before pointing at him and Connor while whispering to her friend.

“Connor,” Evan twisted his wrist a bit, stumbling as he tried to keep up with the brunet’s quick pace. Connor quickly realized what he was doing, dropped Evan’s wrist, and took a step away from him. He mumbled a small, nearly inaudible “sorry” under his breath as he looked down at Evan’s wrist. “Where are we going?” Connor began to walk again, this time at a slower pace. He seemed… nervous? It was hard to read his expressions, not that Evan was particularly good at reading people’s expression. But Connor’s were definitely harder to read than other people’s.

“I thought we’d get something to eat? You’re probably hungry, right? And the food here is shit” Evan gave him a confused look before realizing that Connor was leading him towards the student parking lot. _We’re ditching?_ Connor must’ve caught the worried look on his face because he quickly added. “Don’t worry, I can get you back before lunch ends.”

“Oh..." Connor had stopped, giving Evan the chance to turn back but he decided that as long as they were back before anyone noticed skipping wouldn't be too bad, "okay, but…” Evan looked to his shoes, “I don’t have any money or anything... for food, I mean.” Connor shrugged, pulling out a pair of keys from his pocket and unlocking a expensive looking car that would’ve looked perfect and pristine if it weren’t for the fact that the sides had been keyed multiple times and one of the windows had a hole that was patched up with duct tape.

“It’s fine, my treat.”

“But--”

“Look, I’m the one that suggested it, so I’ll pay,” Evan looked over at Connor who had a light expression on his face, eyebrows raised as if he was amused by the fact that Evan was challenging him for a free meal.

“Alright,” Evan smiled as he slipped into the passenger seat. _Wait,_ he watched Connor get into the driver's seat in confusion, _he didn’t drive to school._

“I went back to my house and picked it up last period,” Evan blinked, “the car,” Connor plugged the key into the ignition with one hand, the other on the steering wheel with his fingers digging into the leather guard, “you’re wondering how it got here, right? I skipped last period to pick it up. I didn't steal it or anything, if that's what you were thinking.”

“Oh--I didn't, I mean, I didn't think that...” Connor shrugged and Evan fell silent as the radio turned on. Connor’s phone was plugged into it and the music playing softly. Connor quickly unplugged his phone, unlocked it, and tossed it at Evan, who fumbled to catch it with his dominate hand in a cast. It was a new model with a purple and white marbled phone case, not the kind of case Evan would expect the other teen to have.

“You can, uh, put your number in there. If you want,” Connor started the car up before Evan could answer.


	14. Monday September 26

_Just be chill. Don’t freak out. Everything’s going fine._ Connor took a deep breath, trying to focus on the road. He hadn’t really expected Evan to come with him. He had been sure he wouldn’t even show up at the computer lab. But here he was. In his car.

This was… good? Right?

“What’s your favorite band?” Evan didn’t look at Connor when he asked the question, just continued to stare out of the window and mindlessly pick at his cast.

“Um, I don’t have one, I think,” Connor tried to wrack his brain, but nothing surfaced. There was a short silence before he forced himself to continue, “The White Stripes are good though, and I guess I’ve always liked Nirvana?” He tried to think of bands that Evan might’ve heard of, usually he just listened to garageband shit.

“I like The White Stripes,” Evan was quick to add, “I-I mean, I’ve heard of them--and they have that one song, y’know? It’s pretty popular, right? I mean, not _super_ popular, but it’s popular enough that I know it and I don’t even listen to music all that much. It’s the--the… um, shit, what’s it called?” Evan added the last part quietly, talking more to himself, and Connor couldn’t help but smile because it was the first time he’d heard the blond curse and it sounded so strange to hear profanities fall out of sweet little Evan Hansen’s mouth.

Wordlessly, Connor reached over to his phone (which Evan had plugged back into the stereo after making himself a contact), and put on _Seven Nation Army_ , which was the most well-known song by The White Stripes. Evan stopped babbling under his breath and perked up, recognizing the song immediately.

The car ride continued on in a comfortable silence, besides the music. Evan continued looking out the window and Connor hummed mindlessly to the song, singing along under his breath every now and then.

They got to their stop before the song finished.

“You’re cool with sandwiches, right?” Connor gestured over to a run-down looking sub shop as he parked his car, “this place is good and the owner won’t snitch on us for skipping,” Evan nodded, not saying anything as he followed Connor’s lead and exited the car. They were in and out of the sub shop quick. Evan stumbled over his order, and Connor pretended not to notice that he had picked the cheapest thing on the menu. Connor just got his usual.

“What do we do now?” Evan asked softly as they exited the shop, clutching the paper bag that held his sub tightly in his left hand. The owner wouldn’t snitch on the two as long as they paid, but he didn’t take kindly to teens loitering around.

“This way,” Connor walked away from his car and down the street. There was a playground here that he liked to hang out at. “There’s never any kids here in the middle of the day,” Connor said as they approached the playground.

It was really old, everything was sun-bleached and looked like it could fall apart at any moment. There weren’t any trees around, but the grass was beginning to gain color now that fall was approaching and the hot summer sun was becoming more relenting. Connor led Evan over to the swings, taking a seat on one and starting to each his lunch. Evan followed his lead, swaying on the swing as he ate.

“You’re favorite color’s blue, isn’t it?” Connor said a few minutes after he finished his food, pumping his legs so that he’d start swinging back-and-forth. Evan nodded, using a napkin to wipe the crumbs of his face before he answered.

“Yeah… how’d you know?” Connor snorted, looking over at Evan and pointedly dragging his gaze over his outfit. He was wearing a blue shirt, blue jeans, a blue backpack, hell, even his shoelaces were blue.

“Oh,” Evan looked down at his clothes and smiled embarrassedly, starting to swing as well, “what about you then? Is your favorite color black?” Connor shook his head, smirking a little.

“I’m disappointed Hansen, I thought you knew me better than that,” he drew out the words sarcastically, pleasantly surprised when he got a snort of laughter from Evan.

“So, what is it then? Purple?” Connor shook his head again, although it had been a good guess. Purple was probably his second favorite color. Tied with black, of course.

“Blue.” Evan’s eyes shot wide with surprise.

“Really?” Connor nodded, amused by Evan’s surprise. Evan melted into a smile, “well, at least we know we’ve got one thing in common then!”

“Yeah…” they swung a bit more in a comfortable silence until Connor started dragging his feet along the ground, getting himself to slow to a stop. Evan stopped as well, although he had a harder time doing so since his legs were shorter. “So,” Connor reached into his hoodie pocket, gripping the sharpie inside tight, “no one’s signed your cast yet?” Evan looked down at his shoes.

“Y-Yeah, uh… yeah…”

“Um, I could? If you want,” the words didn’t come as confident as Connor had wanted them too, but Evan looked pleased anyway.

“Yeah!” he bit his lip (something Connor noted that he must do often, because the skin there looked raw), “I-I mean, yes, I’d like that,” Connor was about to pull the sharpie out of his pocket but Evan had begun to quickly rummage through his backpack and Connor let the sharpie go. Evan would probably think it was weird of him to be carrying around a sharpie all day just so he could ask to sign his cast.

Connor watched Evan pull out a black sharpie, frown, and rummage in his backpack some more before pulling out a blue sharpie and handing it to Connor with a shaky grin. Connor offered one of his own, thought that he probably looked stupid, and grabbed Evan’s outstretched arm a little too tight.

“Sorry,” Connor snatched his hand back at Evan’s gasp, grabbing Evan’s wounded arm with care after he mumbled a small, “it’s fine”. Still a little on edge, Connor scrawled out his name in large shaky letters, but Evan didn’t seem to mind.

“So…” Evan looked down at Connor’s signature once he had finished, “does, um, does this make us friends?” Connor blinked.

“I--” he didn’t know how to answer that. Did Evan want to be friends? Did he want to be friends with Evan? _Of course you do, why else would you drag him out of school and force him to spend the day with you?_ But that didn’t mean he thought him and Evan should be friends. Still, Connor looked up, catching Evan’s hopeful gazed, and cursed himself for liking blue so much because it made it impossible to keep the “sure” from slipping past his lips.


	15. Wednesday September 28

“How do you live like this,” Evan struggled to get comfortable in the plasticy bean bag Jared had pushed him in earlier. Now, Evan wasn’t the tidiest person--he admitted to leaving papers and clothes strewn about on the floor--but his room was nothing compared to _this._

Jared’s room was a nightmare.

Chords for different devices scattered the floor and instead of putting anything away in his closet Jared just a had a pile on their side of the room for clean or dirty clothes respectively. The outlets were stuffed to the brim and definitely a fire hazard. Papers and knick-knacks and basically just any type of misc. item were stacked on on Jared's desk, so much so that it was impossible to actually use. There was more, but Evan had to stop focusing on it all because it was honestly giving him a headache. _If there’s an earthquake we are both going to die._

“I live like a king, Hansen,” Jared said, not breaking eye contact with the TV screen. He was playing some game on his X-Box, a first-person-shooter that Evan didn’t know by name. It didn’t matter anyway, Evan couldn’t play with his broken arm and was stuck watching Jared curse at the TV screen.

“I think I saw a cockroach go into your closet,” Evan huffed, unable to comfortably situate himself in the lumpy beanbag. It kept sticking to his skin and he tried to convince himself that it was because of the vinyl and not the layer of grime that most likely coated it. 

“Ha ha very funny Ev,” Evan held back a snicker at the unmasked worry in Jared’s voice. Evan hadn’t actually seen a cockroach, but he wouldn’t be all that surprised if there were a few living in this mess. “Oh, speaking of cocks, I heard you’ve been sucking off Connor Murphy’s recently?” Evan amusement drained and he sputtered, looking at his smirking friend with wide eyes.

“What the actual fuck Jared,” Jared set down his controller, snickering as he sat back in his chair and tucked his hands behind his head.

“Hey, I’m not here to judge! Although, personally, I always thought you’d be into sporty guys or actors--but, hey, everyone likes a bad boy. Or a nutjob, in your case,” Evan whined and sunk further into the beanbag.

“It’s not like that and you know it!”

“Oh, come on, there’s gotta be _something_ going on between you two, right? I mean, he came to visit you at the hospital, didn’t he? And people are saying that you, _the_ Evan Hansen, the same Evan Hansen that get’s to school 20 minutes early every day because he’s afraid of getting expelled for being late, showed up to school 15 after the first period bell rang on Monday. Shady, _non_?”

“Whose saying that?!”

“I am,” Evan groaned, “Mr. Woods’ class has windows that view the front of the school. I saw you walking in late with Murphy on Monday.”

“You’re a horrible person.”

“Hey! That hurt’s Evan, I’m wounded,” Jared rolled his eyes, “but really, why so chummy with Mr. Edgy McEdgerson all the sudden?” Evan pouted a bit, still flustered from Jared’s teasing, and looked down at his socks. Had Jared really told other people? He doubted it, but the thought was still unnerving. What if a teacher heard?

“I don’t know,” Evan shrugged, “he’s nice.” Jared scoffed.

“Yeah. Right. Totally.”

“Really!” Evan wondered if he should tell Jared how Connor and him had snuck out of school the other day because that was nice. Really nice, actually. But he decided against it because he was afraid Jared might rat on him and then it’d get to Connor and Connor would never want to hang out with Evan ever again. “He’s probably just never nice to you because you’re always bitching about him,” Jared stuck his tongue out.

“Whatever. Just be careful around him. He does meth, you know,” Evan rolled his eyes.

“He doesn’t do meth, Jared.”

“Suuure he doesn’t.”

“He doesn’t!”

“What-ever,” Evan rolled his eyes more pointedly, crossing his arms. Jared could suck a dick.


	16. Wednesday September 28

_Stupid Jared_ , Evan picked at his cast as he walked home from the Kleinman’s house. He loved Jared, but the dude could be a real douche sometimes. He could deal with Jared making jabs at him every now and then, Evan did it to himself all the time--he was used to coping with it--but it stung to hear him insulting someone who Evan might just possibly consider a friend? The first friend Evan had made all on his own. And Jared didn’t even _know_ him, they just shared a few classes together.

Heidi’s car isn’t parked in the driveway when Evan gets home. It’s already 9:30. Evan checks his phone, wondering if she’s called him. It’s Tuesday, and she didn’t have class on Tuesday’s so usually she would be home at 9. 

 **Mom <3 [8:47]** sorry hun need to work a late shift tonight :(

 **Mom <3 [8:47] **theres money on the counter if you want to order out

 **Mom <3 [8:48]** love you <3 

Evan sighs, putting his phone back into his pocket and fishing out his keys. He didn’t feel very hungry. The blond’s keys slip out of his fingers as he tried to get them into the lock and he glances over at the Murphy’s house as he picks them up off the ground, freezing when he spots Connor looking at him from his bedroom window.

 _Of course he had to be looking now,_ Evan thought with a whimper, gripping the keys painfully tight and knowing that Connor must be laughing at him for being so inept that he can’t even open his own door without fucking up. But before Evan can slip further into his mental rant Connor waves. Evan waves back.

They stare at each other for a few moments before Evan has a mental “fuck it” moment and walks over, hopping the short fence that separates the Hansen and Murphy households, and approaches the tree that sits proudly next to Connor’s window. It’s a young tree, but sturdy enough to climb. Still, with Evan’s broken arm it takes a little longer than usual.

Connor’s window is swung open when Evan gets to the second-story level. He’s sitting on the windowsill, watching Evan with an unreadable expression.

“Um, hi,” _this was a mistake._ Evan wonders if he should just jump out of the tree but decides against it because he’s two stories high and doesn’t need matching casts for his legs.

“Get in,” it isn’t so much of a question as much as it is a command. Evan awkwardly stumbles into Connor’s room, tripping over the windowsill. Connor grip on his shoulder lightly, helping him to steady himself.

“Thanks,” Evan says softly, eyes catching on what Connor was wearing. A black crop top and a pair of green flannel pajama pants and Evan feels himself stiffening because Connor was wearing a _crop top_ and Evan could see basically all of his stomach and it was a lot of skin and it’s really weird and creepy to think it looks soft, isn’t it?

“So,” Connor drawled out the word, stepping away from Evan, “any particular reason you’re up here?” His expression was still unreadable, but he didn’t sound angry with Evan.

“U-Um,” Evan didn’t really know _why_ he had. He just didn’t want to be home by himself for the rest of the night and his mind had seen Connor and just sort of made the decision for him, but he couldn’t tell Connor that because it was weird and Connor would think he was some big baby that couldn’t handle being alone. But he didn’t have anything else to say, and he figured saying nothing would make him seem just as weird, so he sputtered out, “m-my mom is gone and I-I, um, I mean--she won’t be home for awhile, and--it’s just, I don’t…”

“I get it.”


	17. Wednesday September 28

Connor’s room was a lot different than Evan would’ve expected it to be. Of course, Evan had seen it before, but he hadn’t been paying any attention to it last time.

The room was big and mostly barren. There was Connor’s bed, which was queen-sized with a black-and-white checkered comforter, a dresser sitting next to a stuffed bookshelf, and a desk with stacks of paper scattered atop it. The walls were pale gray (some doodled on with black sharpie), save one that had the plaster ripped clean off it, revealing the brick structure behind. But apart from the furniture there wasn’t much decoration. Evan had been expecting band posters or creepy knick-knacks, yet aside from the paper’s on his desk and all the books crammed into his bookshelf Connor’s room was very empty.

“Up to your standards, Hansen?” Connor’s tone was light, almost teasing, and he walked over to his bed, flopping back on it and snatching up a black spiral-bound sketchbook that he quickly flipped shut. Evan, not too sure what to do, just sort of shifted on his feet, sticking close to the window.

“It’s, um, nice.” _Idiot. You should’ve just gone into your house like a normal person._

“Gee. Thanks.” Connor used the same light, teasing tone as before, accompanied by a small smirk. Evan scratched the back of his neck.

“No, I-I mean, I like it,” he looked around, avoiding eye contact. It may have been a little empty, but Evan really did like Connor’s room. It was very… peaceful? He didn’t know how to explain it. Maybe it was the lack of clutter? It had a good kind of emptiness too it--the same kind of emptiness he felt when sitting in a tree or open field. That could just be the heavy smell of pine-scented Febreeze tricking him though, “it’s very you.” Connor hummed, sitting up and crossing his long legs. He patted a spot on the bed, wordlessly inviting Evan to sit next to him.

“You can come closer, if you want. I’m not gonna bite,” Evan quietly walked over to Connor’s bed, sitting down rigidly. He still had his shoes on. Was that bad? He should take them off, he was probably tracking mud all over Connor’s room. Would it be weird to take his shoes off? What if he had to leave suddenly and his shoes weren’t on? How was he even going to leave?! He’d have to climb back out the window because there was no way he was going to--Connor, seeing that Evan wasn’t going to speak up anytime soon, began talking, “anything interesting happen today?”

“I-I went over to Jared’s?” Evan frowned when the words came out as a question rather than a statement. Connor didn’t comment on it though, which was nice. Connor was nice. Evan didn’t understand why Jared couldn’t see that.

“How’d you end up friends with him, anyway?” Evan looked over at Connor, deciding to focus on his arms instead of his face because if he focused on his face he’d get all nervous and sweaty and gross. Connor didn’t have any cuts on his arms. Evan didn’t know why he expected Connor to, maybe because everyone said Connor was emo and Evan always assumed that emo people cut themselves, but from what Evan could see Connor’s arms were only marked by freckles. They weren’t like Evan’s freckles. Evan’s freckles were dark and spotted his face like polkadots. Connor’s freckles were faint, a pale reddish-brown color, and clustered around his elbows and thinned as they fanned out.

“He’s, um,” Evan cleared his throat, trying to focus, “I’ve known him since we were kids, he’s sort of like a brother to me, I guess?" it felt weird to think of Jared as family, but he couldn't come up with a better comparison, "we don’t hang out a lot though--well, I mean, I guess I hang out with him more than I do other people, but that’s only because…” Evan trailed off, quietly adding, “because his parents make him…” and hoping that Connor didn’t hear.

“Well, shit. Here I was thinking you just had horrible taste in friends,” Evan forced a small laugh because he was pretty sure Connor was joking. Probably.

“He’s better once you get to know him,” Evan defended weakly. Connor leaned forward, a serious expression on his face.

“Evan. He thinks the earth is flat.”

“He’s just joking!” Connor raised a brow. Evan looked away from his eyes--they were a gorgeous washed-out gray--and began fiddling with the hem of his shirt, “...probably.” Connor chuckled, rolling his eyes and leaning back against the headboard of his bed. Evan’s eyes caught on Connor’s exposed stomach again, but this time it was because there was a glint of silver.

“My parents were pissed when they saw that,” Connor reached down and traced his thumb over the belly button piercing.

“Don’t you need your parent’s permission to get one though?” Evan’s head tilted to the side in confusion. He’d never actually attempted to get a piercing before, but he'd always just assumed that was the process.

“Not if you do it yourself,” Evan’s eyes widened.

“But… doesn’t that hurt?” Connor shrugged, looking almost proud with himself.

“A little, I guess. It was worth it to see the look on Larry's face though,” he pulled his hand up, brushing hair behind his ear, revealing a plain black barbell earring hugging onto his earlobe, “I did my ears too. And my septum,” he tapped his nose to indicate where the piercing had been, “but my parents made me take that one out. It looked gross on me anyway.”

“I think you look nice,” Evan could actually feel himself turning red, knowing how that had sounded, “I-I-I mean, I think _they_ look nice! The piercings! On you--not that you don’t look nice--this is stupid--I mean, sorry, _fuck_ , that probably sounded weird,” Evan groaned, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging onto them for dear life.

“You’re weird,” Evan groaned again, hugging his knees tighter to his chest. Of course Connor thought he was weird!

“So--” Connor was quick to cut him off.

“Don’t apologize,” Evan sneaked a glance over at him. Connor had that familiar half-smile on his face and Evan had to look away quickly because Connor was looking directly at him and there was no way he would be able to handle eye contact right now, “it’s good. Now we, um, now we know we’ve got two things in common.”

“Yeah?” Evan smiled a little, face still buried in his jeans.

“Yeah.”


	18. Thursday September 29

He was going to fuck everything up. Why wouldn’t he? It was his specialty after all.

Connor gripped the strap of his bag tight, itching to sneak off to the bathroom and smoke. Last night with Evan had been… good. Really good. All week had been good actually. Connor hadn’t felt this good in a long time. Which was… good?

But he was going to fuck it up. He was  _ bound _ to fuck it up, because good things didn’t happen to Connor Murphy. Everything that could go wrong for Connor, would go wrong for Connor. They called it Murphy’s Law for a reason.

So when Evan had asked him if he’d wanted to hang out with Jared at lunch the following day, he should’ve said no. He should’ve made up some excuse, because there was no way he was going to be able to have a decent conversation with Jared fucking Kleinman of all people. And Evan was going realize what a jackass he was and whatever hope he had of having a friend this year would be gone. 

“Connor!”  _ Fuck. _ How had he gotten here so quickly? Curse him and his long ass giraffe legs. Making him walk fast.  _ Fuck. _

Jared was standing behind Evan with a dubious expression plastered onto his face, looking about as okay with this situation as Connor was. 

“Hey,” Connor kept his gaze on Evan. Maybe if he ignored Jared’s presence long enough he’d fade away? It was a fun thought.

“Hi,” Evan offered a weak wave, obviously picking up on the tension that had suddenly sprouted, “so, um,” he waits until Connor gets closer before going on,  “this is Jared, and, uh, Jared, this is Connor, and, well, I guess you guys already know each other, don’t you?” Evan laughed nervously, which calmed Connor down a bit because, hey, at least he wasn’t the only one that was nervous. 

“Kleinman,” Connor gave Jared, who had wedged himself in between Evan and Connor, a short nod, deciding that he’d have to acknowledge him at some point. He had heard it was a pertinent aspect to conversation.

“Dracula,” Connor bristled at the sly comment, a throwback to their encounter at the hospital, but Evan looked panicked so he decided to stay quiet.

“Very funny,” the words came out of Connor’s mouth before he could stop them.  _ So much for staying quiet.  _ Jared rolled his eyes.

“Oh, wow, so the monster is actually capable of saying more than one word at a time? Shocker,” Jared’s eyes turned to Evan and widened in mock-surprise, sly grin morphing into a smirk. Connor could feel anger bubbling in his stomach and he was glad he hadn’t followed up on his urge to smoke because pot had never been good for his short temper. 

“Jared…” Connor could hardly hear Evan’s disappointed voice over the ringing in his ears. Wait? Ringing? _Shit_ , when had that started? It was never a good sign.

“Haha. Hilarious.” The words came out of Connor’s throat tight.  _ God, you sound like a fucking kid.  _ The hurt must’ve been evident in his voice because Jared turned back to him, crossing his arms and looking exasperated rather than remorseful.

“Chill Murphy, it was just a joke.”

“Sure, yeah no, I know it was a joke--I just said it was  _ hilarious _ , remember?” his words were turning to snarls and Evan looked even more panicked and he should really just  _ stop talking _ , “or is that goldfish-brain of yours incapable of remembering that far into the past?” 

“Fuck off,” Jared was glaring at Connor now, foot tapping against the ground. The noise echoed around his head, making it hard to think. What, so Jared was allowed to poke fun at others, but they couldn’t do the same to him?  _ What a fucking hypocrite. _

“Fuck this,” Connor growled under his breath after about a minute of tense silence. He turned on his heels, storming away and half-wanting Evan to follow after him. He didn’t.


	19. Thursday September 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short short short chapter

**Evan [11:50]** Hey Mom? I’m feeling sick, could I go home?

 **Mom <3 [11:58] **of course sweetie!

 **Mom <3 [11:58] **do you need me to pick you up?

 **Evan [11:59]** No, it's okay, I can walk. Can you just call the office?

 **Mom <3 [11:59] **of course i can

 **Mom <3 [11:59] **stay safe <3

 **Evan [12:00]** Thanks Mom <3

Evan looked up as the lunch bell rang, signaling the start of 5th period. Jared hadn’t stuck around after Connor left, obviously in a bad mood. Evan hadn't known what to do after that and spent the remainder of lunch sitting with his back against the cold lockers, tying and untying his shoelaces in an effort to calm himself down.

He didn’t know why he thought the two would ever get along. Jared had never tried all that hard to hide the fact that he didn’t like Connor, and Evan should’ve known that all the teasing would set Connor off. The blond was a little surprised it hadn’t happened sooner, now that he was thinking about it. He hadn’t put much thought into inviting Connor to spend lunch with him in Jared--the words had just spilled out of his mouth before he had gotten the chance to think them through.

Evan began walking towards the office, figuring Heidi had already called in for him.

He wasn’t actually sick of course, but he figured that Connor had left school, and Evan needed to speak with him. He gripped onto his phone, quickly sending the brunet a text before shoving the device in his pocket as he entered the office.

 **Evan [12:01]** Where are you?

Evan was in and out of the office in a flash, not wanting to waste anytime in case one of the staff members realized he wasn’t actually sick and forced him to stay in school for the rest of the day. They didn’t, and he let out a relieved breath as the heavy metal doors of the school closed behind him.

 **Connor [12:05]** orchard

 **Evan [12:12]** Can I come?

 **Evan [12:13]** I mean, is it okay if I meet up with you?

He stared intently down at his phone, chewing nervously on his bottom lip as the minutes ticked by without a response from Connor. 

 **Evan [12:24]** It’s fine if you don’t want me to, I’d get it if you didn’t want to see me after what happened.

He stopped biting his lip, feeling the salty taste of blood. Of course Connor wouldn’t want to see him, Connor would probably never talk to him again after what Jared said. And why should he? It’s not like Evan was making his life any easier, hell, if anything Evan had just brought one inconvenience after another into Connor’s life. Getting him caught by the cops; dropping off assignments for him; buying him food. It was selfish of Evan to force this friendship onto him. _You should’ve just stayed in school._

 **Connor [12:25]** i’m by the back entrance


	20. Thursday September 29

Connor shoved past people in the hallway, nails digging so hard into the palms of his hands that he could feel the warmth of blood pooling at the center. _Well that could’ve gone better,_ he thought bitterly, shoving the school doors open and marching to his car. It could've gone worse too. A lot worse. Which was why he had left; because the way things were going it wouldn’t have been long before he was beating Jared into the lockers.

He started the engine of his car, listening to it growl awake while he rummaged through his glove compartment. No hash. He’d been slowly cutting his stash down, trying to (pun intended) weed himself off the stuff.

“Fuck,” he settled for a beat-up box of cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it up before pulling out of the parking lot.

Connor wasn’t a heavy smoker, despite popular belief. He hadn’t even started smoking pot until last year. It’s just, he was already hooked on cigarettes, and everyone had already labeled him as a stoner, so it hadn’t felt like it really mattered. At the time it had just been a good way to blow his parent’s money, plus it had given his fucked up mind some temporary relief from, well, _everything_. But now he was going to therapy (even if the therapy was micromanaged by his mother) and he had medication that could help him.

Well, it was _supposed_ to help him.

He’d only been going to therapy for a few months and Dr. Reinhart, his therapist, still hadn’t found the right mix of prescriptions. Which was fine, he guessed. She had told him that it could take a long time before they found the right mix, maybe even a few years, but if he was patient they’d find a cocktail of drugs that could help him. And he wanted to be helped… or at least he thought he did.

He was supposed to, right?

Connor jerked to a stop, watching the blood from his hand drip down the steering wheel and onto his jeans. How far away was his dealer’s place? He shook the thought from his head, blowing a puff of smoke out the open window and deciding to head to the orchard.

 

 

 **Evan Hansen [12:01]** Where are you?

Connor felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He’d swapped phone numbers with Evan awhile back, but they two had never really texted. The name saved was the same one Evan had put in there when he’d made the contact. Connor stared at the text, debating on whether or not he should respond.

 **Me [12:05]** orchard

He kept his eyes glued to the phone for the next few minutes, fingernails tapping rhythmically against the thin plastic case. He tossed the phone to the side after there was no immediate response. Why did Evan want to know where he was? 

 **Evan Hansen [12:12]** Can I come?

Question answered.

 **Evan Hansen [12:13]** I mean, is it okay if I meet up with you?

Connor stared at his phone.

Did he want Evan to come? He’d calmed down, but he still felt anger in the pit of his stomach. Not that it was a new thing, a part of Connor always seemed to be angry. Which was tiring. Something else Connor always seemed to be; tired. They were his two best emotions; the only two he seemed to be able to express. If he wasn’t angry he was tired, if he wasn’t tired he was angry. Unless he was around Evan. He was too nervous around Evan to be tired, and he couldn’t bring himself to be angry with the blond. Or, he could--he was just able to keep a lid on his ever-present anger because, hey, someone was talking to him without being condescending or judgemental.

Which felt good.

But also confusing, because it was new, and often times he felt himself want to curl up and sleep for hours after being around Evan because there was so many new emotions and just so much of _everything_ that it was hard to handle. Hard to cope with.

 **Evan Hansen [12:24]** It’s fine if you don’t want me to, I’d get it if you didn’t want to see me after what happened.

The sharp _ping_ alerted Connor that he’d been zoning out for a little too long.

 **Me [12:25]** i’m by the back entrance


	21. Thursday September 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uploading 2 chapters today bc this one is really short :>

Evan slipped through the back entrance of the orchard, feeling his heart thump against his chest. His breathing began to quicken, and he could feel his bruised rib ache a little from the pressure in his chest. He tried to calm himself down.

This would be fine, right? Connor had wanted to talk to him, hadn’t he?

He didn’t have to time to fret over it, running into Connor only minutes after entering the orchard. He was holding a cigarette in one hand, smoking it idly, but put it out as Evan approached.

“Hey,” he was sitting against a old apple tree, right knee pulled up to his chest, his arm swung loosely around it, while his other leg was stretched out in front of him. Evan felt exposed, both because there weren’t many trees in this part of the orchard and because Connor’s gaze was set heavily on him, eyes slightly narrowed and lips set in a unreadable line.

“I-I’m, um,” Evan tugged at his collar, his mind fuzzing around the edges and unable to spit out any words he had planned on saying, “h-hi, I, sorry, I mean, um, about earlier, I--it’s just, I…”

“Sit down,” the words came out of Connor’s mouth gruff and Evan immediately dropped to the floor. He felt himself flush red when he spotted the laughter dancing in Connor’s eyes, and immediately realized that he was still a yard or so from Connor and Connor had probably meant to sit down _next to him_.

Bashfully, Evan got to his feet and walked closer to Connor before sitting down, leaving a sizable gap between the two of them.

“I’m sorry about Jared,” Evan managed to get out, Connor shrugged. He was picking at the black nail polish on one of his fingers. “I didn’t think he’d--well, actually, I should’ve expected that he’d be--” Evan paused, trying to search for the right word.

“Himself?” Connor raised a brow, looking a little amused. Evan huffed a laugh, nodding.

“Yeah,” he relaxed a bit at seeing Connor not mad and leaned his head against the tree, looking up at the sky through the branches. “I’m just used to him, y’know? Sometimes I forget that other people haven’t grown up up with him…”

Evan sighed.

“It’s fine,” Connor sighed as well, continuing to pick at his chipped nail polish, “I, uh…” his voice was faint, “I overreacted a little anyway.”

“He, um, he doesn’t mean those things. Calling you a monster or a freak and all that--he doesn’t mean it, not really. It’s just his way of joking around, and I know it isn’t really funny, but…” 

“But he’s your friend,” Connor finished after Evan trailed off, “I get it, usually people want their friends to get along,” Evan blinked up at Connor, then looked back down to his cast, where the other teen had scrawled his name in big blue letters. Right, they were friends. They were _still_ friends.

Evan smiled.

“Right.”


	22. Friday September 30

This was stupid.

Jared tapped his foot against the plasticy tile of the school’s hallway, scanning the crowd of students rushing out of classrooms. This was _really_ stupid. Like, throw yourself in front of a buss stupid. But, hell, it wasn’t like Jared was known for being smart. Well, actually, technically he  was-- but he was known for being a sexy kind of smart and there definitely wasn’t anything sexy about Connor Murphy. Okay, well, maybe there were a _few_ things, but there definitely wasn’t anything sexy about getting your ass beat by Connor Murphy. _Okay, well…_

He felt his mouth run dry as the possibly-sexy boy in question slipped out the doorway in front of him. This was a mental debate he’d have to have later.

Jared looked around the hallway, waiting until most of the students had left before slowly approaching Connor.

“Hey, Murphy,” he didn’t sound nearly as intimidating as he hoped, but maybe that was a good thing. Trying to intimidate Connor Murphy probably wouldn’t go well for him. This, in general, probably wouldn’t go well for him.

Why was he doing this again?

Oh.

Right.

Because Evan had finally managed to make a “friend” on his own and Jared wasn’t about to fuck it up for him. That is, if he hadn’t done so already. Which he might’ve. Not that it was necessarily a bad thing if he had, Connor wasn’t the most reputable person. Plus he was scary. Like, really scary. Like, really fucking scary and there was no way Jared would be able to protect Evan from this guy because he was literally 6 ft of edgy, murdery terror.

 _Focus, Jare-bear._ Connor had turned on his heels and was now staring Jared down. If looks could kill, Jared would be dead. Hey, double entendre! _Focus._ The 5 inch height gap between the two became more and more apparent the closer Jared got.

“Kleinman,” the words came out of Connor’s mouth through gritted teeth. _Alright. Now, just don’t say anything that could get you punched in the face. It can’t be that hard, right?_

Jared was definitely going to get himself punched in the face.

“Yo daddyo,” alright, not off to the best start. Connor was looking at him like he’d grown a third eye. That was fine. He just had to power through this, “just wanted to, um, talk to you. About the other day,” doing good. Doing good. Now all he had to do was open his mouth and--nothing. No, this was where he was supposed to say words. Apologetic words.

Connor had crossed his arms tightly over his chest, an impatient look settled on his face.

“I’m sorry,” the words came out of Jared’s mouth small and scratchy and rushed. Connor obviously hadn’t heard them because he quirked a brow, silently asking for clarification. “I’m, um,” he coughed, crossing his arms. Why was this so hard? Evan did it all the time. He’d have to ask for tips later. “I’m sorry, about the shit I said yesterday. I didn’t mean to… I didn’t think you’d get all worked up about it…”

“Doesn’t matter,” Connor was looking to the side. It was impossible to read his blank expression. Jared should’ve brought Evan as an interpreter; was this a “I’m waiting until your back is turned so I can gun you down” sort of Connor face, or a “quit bothering me you fucking nerd” sort of Connor face. Was there a difference? Either way it was probably the closest Jared was going to get to Connor accepting his apology.

“So, um, we good?”

“No,” it wasn’t harsh, just a simple statement, but Jared still flinched, if only a little, “but, we could be, I guess. At some point.” There was an unspoken “for Evan” tacked on at the end. Connor walked away without a further explanation. Jared guessed that was a good start.


	23. Monday October 3

Connor leaned idly against his porch, looking over at the Hansen household every so often.

Zoe and Cynthia had already left, which was fine because he had taken to walking to school anyway. It was one of the few times during the day he’d get Evan all to himself.

He pushed himself off the porch as Evan exited his house, feeling himself stiffen as a woman who must he Evan’s mother leaned out the door after him and give Connor an excited wave. Connor waved back stiffly.

He wasn’t good with parents.

“Sorry about her,” Evan whispered, having speed walked to Connor’s side. The woman still had the door open and was looking at them intently with a wide grin, “she’s just excited, y’know? She’s, uh, she’s not used to seeing me with people that aren’t Jared.”

Evan grabbed the edge of Connor’s sleeve and began gently tugging him down the sidewalk and away from Mrs. Hansen. Or maybe it was just Ms. Hansen? Connor had never heard Evan mention anything about their being a Mr. Hansen, and Connor wasn’t about to ask.

“It’s cool,” Connor let his gaze linger on where Evan’s fingers continued to curl into the fabric of his sleeve, but the freckled boy was too focused on the sidewalk ahead of them to notice.

The two had walked to school together every morning since Evan had gotten his cast. Usually Evan would just rant about the dream he’d had the night before; he was never able to explain it right, always dropping off mid-sentence or going on tangents, as most people do when they try to explain their dreams, but Connor didn’t mind. It was endearing and gave him a chance to learn things about Evan: like how he knew a fuckton about plants and trees and nature shit, how he had a unexplainable fear of the ocean (which he’d never actually seen, aside from in movies and pictures), and that he’s re-watched all the Star Wars movies at least twelve times (including the prequels).

Today though, Evan was just silently walking.

“Is…” Connor stopped himself from asking if something was wrong, because he knew he wouldn’t know how to handle something being wrong. Instead, he cleared his throat, starting over, “did you…” he didn’t know where he was going with that. The words trailed off and hung in the air. Evan continued to look at the sidewalk.

He had moved his hand off of Connor’s sleeve and was now mindlessly plucking at his cast.

“Do you wanna hang out after school?” Evan suddenly blurted out, not looking up from the ground, “I-I mean, we keep saying that we’re gonna hang out, but, well, we haven’t really done it yet, I-I mean aside from walking to school together, and I was just wondering… that, you know, if you didn’t… if you don’t have any other plans…?” It took a few seconds for Connor to push the words out of his mouth.

“I’m free,” it felt weird, making plans. A good weird, even if he wasn’t even sure what these “plans” were. Hanging out? He’d never “hung out” with someone before.

What did that even entail?

Weed? Probably not.

Definitely not.

Evan would probably piss his pants of Connor offered him a joint. _Never offer Evan drugs. Or any friend, for that matter. If you’re ever able to make another one._

“What do you wanna do?” Evan looked a lot less tense now, his blue eyes turned to Connor.

Shit. _He_ had to pick something?

Weed?

Fuck. No. He’d gone over this. No weed for Evan.

But Connor hadn’t smoked in awhile and it was hard to get it off his mind. He needed a smoke. He’d do that later.

“I… I think I know a place you might like,” the words came out of Connor’s mouth hesitant. Connor hadn’t been there in a long time, but he _knew_ Evan would like it.


	24. Monday October 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i had feels while writing this QuQ

Evan watched Connor’s expression through his reflection in the front window of his car.

The two hadn’t talked much since Connor had picked him up to hang out; which was fine, because their initial awkward silences had become more and more comfortable. Music hummed on the stereo, and Evan wondered vaguely where they were going.

He hadn’t really thought to ask Connor, which was stupid because what if they were going somewhere Evan hated? Like a movie theatre or a mall or a farmers market? Although it was a little late in the day for the last two (the sun was about to set overhead), and Evan didn’t think Connor would bring him to a movie theatre. Evan had mentioned earlier on in the week that they made him uncomfortable. Not that he didn’t like seeing movies up on a big screen, but being packed in a dark room with tons of strangers that shouted out their personal commentary while Evan was just trying to quietly enjoy a movie wasn’t ideal.

Plus going to the movies was expensive as hell. He preferred to just wait until they came out on DVD and he could watch them from the comfort of his own home. Or, more accurately, Jared’s home, which had a DVD player.

“We’re here,” the soft harmony of the stereo and engine cut off and Evan hadn’t even realized they’d come to a stop.

“The orchard?” Evan felt warm as he looked through the window, instantly recognizing the rusted black gates. _Of course_. Connor knew that he liked to come here. Evan had talked about it a few times on their morning walks to school, it was somewhere he felt comfortable.

“That’s okay, right?” Connor’s freshly-painted nails were digging into the leather of his steering wheel, “we could go somewhere e--”

“No,” Evan shifted under Connor’s surprised gaze, “n-no, um, this is…” he bit back the word _perfect_ , “this is good.” Connor nodded, jumping out of the car, as if the action could somehow mask the little half-smile that slipped onto his face.

Evan trailed after him, feeling light in the chilly autumn air. He was glad he’d thrown on a sweater, even if he had to roll up one sleeve all the way to his elbow so that the cast didn’t stretch out the fabric.

“This way,” Evan blinked, following Connor as he left the main trail and began to head towards the west part of the orchard.

Evan usually stuck to the east side--the west side was only apple trees and was fairly barren, aside from a small river. The east side has lots of bushes and a few different types of trees that were taller and much more fun to climb up than apple trees.

They slowed to a halt, coming to a clearing. In the center stood what must’ve once been a gazebo. The paint was pale--sun bleached--and all but a few patches were washed away. The only thing that remained of the roof were a few rotting support beams. Connor stared at the skeleton of a gazebo for a few minutes before walking forward.

“I used to come here a lot with Zoe,” the wooden boards creaked as the two stepped onto them.

The sky was clearly visible through the long-gone roof of the gazebo. The sun was now setting, stars just beginning to be visible in the orange sky. Connor sat down in the center, Evan followed his lead.

“We’d sneak out at night when our parents were fighting and look at the stars--she could name all the constellations by the time she was six,” his tone was hollow and Evan wasn’t sure if he should say anything.

They both fell back, looking up at the sky.

“You guys sounded close,” he’d spoken barely above a whisper, but the words still felt too loud in the empty night air.

“We were,” and that was all that was said for a long while. The two sat quietly, shoulders touching as they stared up at the slowly appearing stars. Connor was the first one to break the silence. “She hates me, you know,” Evan opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by Connor, “it’s okay--she should hate me. I’d be worried if she didn’t… I’m not… I’m not a good person, especially not around her.”

There was quiet again.

“I get mad. Not at her... well, I guess a little at her, but mostly at my parents. They aren’t… they aren’t the best,” Evan had turned his head to the side, taking in the contorted expression on Connor’s face as he gazed up at the stars, “they’re pretty shitty actually.” He grinned in a cynical, almost painful way. “And they like her more, which is understandable: she’s pretty, smart, social, responsible--she fits into this whole illusion of a “nuclear family” that they try to create.”

More silence.

“I just…” an angry sigh, “it’s all my fault, y’know? The problems between us, I’m the one that’s causing them and... and it’s stupid that I can’t apologize to her, right? I know it’s not gonna fix anything, and I can’t just take back the shit I’ve put her though, but… Evan… I care about her? And after everything I’ve done I know I shouldn’t be allowed too, I _know_ , but… if I… if I could tell her…” his voice was tight and Evan wondered if grabbing his hand would be overstepping his boundaries.

There was a minute of tense. A minute of Connor being locked in on himself--his black nails digging into the old wood beneath them, his eyes closed tight, his lips set in a thin line.

And then he let out a breath, and all the tension in the air dissipated.

“I’m sorry,” he tilted his head to the side, looking Evan in the eyes. Evan hadn’t noticed how close they were, he could feel the heat from Connor’s breath brush his face, “we’re supposed to be hanging out and I’m dragging you through all this personal shit.”

“No, i-it’s okay,” Evan could feel his heartbeat pulse through his body, “I’m glad that you wanna talk about this. I mean, about you. And, well, I don’t know if I can doing anything, but… but if being here, if listening… if that helps, then I’ll be here, and I’ll listen.”

More silence, this one gentle and enveloping the two. Evan, despite feeling calm, despite basking in the silent “thank you” that danced in Connor’s eyes, felt the sudden urge to run away. To slink home and curl up inside his closet because everything here--the warmth, the soothing scent of cinnamon and smoke that always accompanied Connor, the drum of his heartbeat echoing throughout his body--it all felt so _dangerous_.

A good kind of dangerous.

A dangerous he knew he’d get addicted to, and a part of him wanted out before he inevitably lost it all.


	25. Tuesday October 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its 12 am here and i felt like updating so here ya go :p

“Connor?”

This was stupid.

No. The _first_ time he’d done this it was stupid, now it was just plain idiotic.

Jared and Evan were looking at him with surprised eyes. He shifted uncomfortably under their gaze. He hadn’t even been invited this time-he just didn’t have anything better to do at lunch, and being with them was better than being alone.

Well, debatably.

“Evan,” his gaze flicked briefly to Jared, “Kleinman,” he looked back to Evan, who seemed confused but, thankfully, not upset that Connor was there.

“Howdy Conman,” if Jared was unhappy, he didn’t show it. Instead he had his trademark smirk painted onto his face. Connor could do without the nickname, but it was better than the insults Jared had pulled out during their last lunchtime encounter. He guessed he’d let it slide. “I was just talking with Ev here about Halloween,” Jared spoke up before an awkward silence could settle over the three, “he’s dressed up as Luke Skywalker every year since he was 9, did you know that?”

“Jared!” Jared adjusted his glasses, snickering at Evan’s whine.

“What? It’s true! 7 years straight of him in the same Halloween costume, can you believe that? And he doesn’t even wear it to school!” Evan had crossed his arms and gone red from the neck up, “you gotta help me convince him to do something else this year.”

“Sorry,” Connor shrugged,  “I don’t do Halloween.”

Jared stared silently at Connor for a long minute, eyes opened so wide that they looked as if they’d pop out of his head.

“What?” Jared gaped, “I’m sorry, but _what_ ?” Connor raised a brow, a little amused by the shock that washed over Jared, “but you’re,” Jared gestured vaguely at Connor, “you’re _you_.” He let out a pained whine as Connor just shrugged again, “c’mon, man, I thought we’d finally have something to bond over!”

“Lay off, Jared,” Evan cut in, a light smile on his face. Jared stuck his tongue out at Evan, punching him half-heartedly in the shoulder.

“Shuddup, you don’t know the _pain_ I’m going through,” Jared grasped at his heart dramatically,  “my one chance of finding a kindred spirit in which to share the pleasures of all hallow’s eve and he turns out to be a _fraud_ ,” Jared shot Connor a pouty glare. Almost instantly his facade dropped, eyes lighting up. “Wait--are you smiling?” Connor instinctively covered his mouth with one hand. Had he been smiling? He hadn’t meant to. “You were totally smiling! Oh my god, and you have dimples!”

“Fuck you,” Connor shoved his hands into his pockets but found it hard to muster up a glare. Jared held his hands up defensively but the cat-like grin was still present on his face.

“Sorry, dude, but you’re not my type,” he shot Connor a wink and there was a long second of silence before Jared began cackling like an idiot at his own joke. Connor rolled his eyes, flushing a bit at the implication. Evan was doing the same. “Real talk though,” Jared wheezed, still recovering from his little laughing fit, “I got passes to this amusement park---Evan knows it, it’s like a hour drive from here--we used to go all the time when we were kids. Anyway, I got passes, like a fuckton of passes because my cousin works there and they basically give out passes to employees for free, so we--um, me and Evan--we were gonna go this weekend. You should come with us?”

Connor blinked.

Not what he had expected. Sure, the past few minutes of talking with Jared had been okay--but that was only a few minutes. He didn’t magically like Jared and want to hang out with him because he’d been tolerable for a few minutes. But Evan was giving him a bashfully hopeful look and Connor felt goosebumps rise along his arms and the "no" die in his throat.

The bell rang before Connor could give an answer.


	26. Friday October 7

Today had been good. 

Evan squeezed through the crowd of students, making his way towards his locker. This whole week had been good, actually. The annoying guy that sat behind him in first period was absent, his mom had gotten a cold and she'd taken the day off on Wednesday, and Connor and Jared had actually talked together for more than five minutes without one of them storming off or punching the other in the face. Which was good, of course. Evan hadn’t been _jealous_ , of course.

Because that would be wrong, wouldn’t it?

Evan didn’t have time to ponder the question, finally reaching his locker and freezing when he spotted a pissed-off looking guy leaning against his locker door. Evan didn’t know his name, but he definitely remembered the guy tripping him in the hallway a few times.

He was looking intently down at his phone, brows furrowed. Evan, who had shifted to the side of hallway so he wasn’t stuck in the traffic of students, watched him with wide eyes, waiting to see if he’d leave.

 _Maybe I should just go_ … Evan thought, looking down at the floor and tugging on his backpack strap.

Normally he would’ve left, but it was Friday and he’d left his P.E. clothes in his locker and more importantly his phone. _I can go a weekend without my phone, right?_ He knew that he couldn’t. His mother would get worried if he didn’t respond to her texts and then he’d have to tell her why he didn’t have his phone and she’d be disappointed in him and then he'd probably die. Okay, well, maybe he wouldn't die but he'd defiantly feel like shit because he was supposed to be making progress.

 _Maybe if I just… ask…?_ Evan took a few tentative steps forward, wondering if the other boy could hear his heartbeat.

“U-Um,” Evan didn’t look up when he spoke but he could feel the other boy’s steely gaze turn on him, “sorry, but, um, i-it’s just that, y-you’re, um, my,” Evan felt like he was choking on words. He looked up, shrinking as he spotted the wiry grin on the other boy’s face.

“What is it, Hansen?” _Oh sweet jesus he knows my name._ Evan didn’t know why that made the situation worse but it definitely did and before he had time to think the blond had spun around on his heels.

“Nevermind!” his voice cracked on the words, trying to walk away but suddenly his head was jerked back and his face was slammed against the cold lockers.

“C’mon Hansen,” the bully had one hand tangled tightly in Evan’s hair, the other pressing against Evan’s backpack so that his chest was shoved up against the lockers as well, “what were you going to say?”

There was laughter in his voice.

“I-I, um,” Evan squeezed his eyes shut. His mind was going blank. His eyes went wide as he was pulled back and then slammed harshly back into the lockers. The cry that fell past his lips sounded far away.

“What the _fuck_ is going on?” Evan was pulled off the lockers but there was a still a hand gripped uncomfortably tight in his hair.

_Connor?_

“What do you want, freak,” despite the insult the bully’s confidence seemed to have waned. Evan could see why. Connor’s eyes had narrowed to slits and he was drawn up to his full height, a snarl pulling at his lips. There was a wildness to him, like an uncaged animal. Evan could sort of see why people found him scary.

“Let him go.”

“What?” the bully pulled on Evan’s hair, nearly yanking him off the ground, “don’t want me fucking with your boyfriend?”

“I didn’t ask you a question, assfuck. I told you to let him go,” Connor’s words were low, menacing. He took a threatening step forward and almost instantly the bully let go of Evan, pushing him towards Connor with a huff.

“Whatever,” the bully stalked off with a metaphorical tail between his legs. Connor glared after him as he left, waiting for him to turn the corner of the hallway before focusing back on Evan.

“Are you okay?” his defensive demeanor had quickly dropped--shoulders now slumped, lips set in a gentle line, hands tucked away in his pockets instead of balled into fits. Evan’s head was still spinning and there was a sharp pain in his chest. He couldn’t tell if it was from the embarrassment at having to be rescued or because the spot where his bruised rib was had been shoved particularly hard against the lockers.

“Y-Yeah,” Evan gripped the straps of his backpack, only vaguely aware of Connor’s hand on his shoulder.

“Did he hurt you?” the grip tightened on Evan’s shoulder and he flinched a little at the harshness in Connor’s words. The tall teen quickly moved his hand away.

“Um,” Evan took a deep breath, “no… no, not really.”


	27. Friday October 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spitting out another chapter today because im feeling p r o d u c t i v e

**Me [3:22]** you sure you’re okay?

Connor glanced at Evan through the corner of his eye. He hadn’t really spoken since Evan had shakily shoved the contents of his locker into his backpack left. Which was okay, usually when they walked home together at the end of the day there wasn’t much talking.

Still, after witnessing Evan getting tossed around by some jerk he figured that the anxious boy might need… comforting? Connor didn’t know if he was the best person to do that, but he didn’t think anybody else would.

He looked back down at his phone as Evan responded to his text. Connor had learned that sometimes the freckled boy preferred texting over talking.

 **Evan :) [3:23]** Yes.

 **Evan :) [3:24]** I mean, I think I am? The place where I bruised my rib is a little sore but I think it’ll be fine.

 **Evan :) [3:25]** Thank you for helping me though!

 **Me [3:25]** it’s cool

 **Me [3:25]** does that guy bother you?

 **Me [3:25]** i mean

 **Me [3:35]** does he do that a lot?

 **Evan :) [3:26]** Bully me? No.

 **Evan :) [3:27]** He’s just an asshole. And I’m an easy target, I guess.

 **Me [3:27]** well if he does that again tell me

 **Me [3:37]** i’ll kick him in the dick for you

“Thanks,” Evan clicked off his phone, looking down at it as he spoke. Connor shrugged, catching a glimpse of Evan’s smile through his reflection in the dark screen.

“Whatever… that’s what friends are for, right?” Evan seemed to lighten up at that.

“Right…” Evan looked like he was going to say more but a ping from his phone cut him off. He stared down at his phone for a few moments, brows furrowed, before speaking. “Jared wants to know if you wanna come with us? To the amusement park--the one he was talking about on Monday,” Connor blinked, having completely forgotten that he had been asked, “you, um, I mean I know that Jared is--well, he’s Jared, so I’d get it if you didn’t want to go…”

Connor shook his head.

“Nah, I’m sure I can put up with him for a day,” he fiddled with the hair band that was slipped around his wrist, “besides, I haven’t been to an amusement park in a few years…” his parents had stopped taking him when he was in middle, seeing as he always caused a scene.

“So, that’s a yes?” Evan bit down on his lip as Connor nodded, returning back to clumsily texting Jared (it was hard for him to type on the tiny keyboard with his dominate hand trapped in a cast).

Connor watched the blond boy, who remained glued to his phone, for the rest of the walk home. The two slowed to halt as they reached the junction between their two houses.

Connor lingered for a second, wondering if he should say goodbye, before deciding against it and turning towards his house, brows knitting together as he spotted Larry’s car in the driveway.

“Um,” Evan tugged at Connor’s sleeve before he could walk away, his phone tucked back into his pocket, “do you…?” The taller teen quirked a brow, a silent nudge for Evan to finish his question, “do you wanna stay over? At my place?” Evan jumped into a rushed explanation before Connor could give an answer, “I mean, i-it’s just that the amusement park thing is tomorrow and I know you already live really close but if we were at the same house we could get ready on time and we, well, _I_ , I won’t worry as much, I guess, because I’ll probably worry a lot more than you do--was that rude? I didn’t mean for it to be rude! I just mean that I worry about things a lot--but I mean if you’re already at my place we, um, I wouldn’t have to worry about there being miscommunication about time or--”

Connor trailed his hand up to Evan’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze--a silent signal to get him to stop rambling. Evan's mouth slammed shut, his fingers clenching and unclenching nervously.

“I’d like that,” he slipped his hand off Evan’s shoulder, “staying over, I mean. I’d like to.”


	28. Friday October 7

“So, um, sorry that it’s messy…” Connor shrugged, trying to feign disinterest as he secretly took in the Hansen household.

There were still unpacked boxes scattered about, a reminder that it had only been less than a month since Evan had moved in next door. It was almost an exact copy of Connor’s house in terms of layout, but it looked less like a sickly pristine dollhouse and more like a home.

“I don’t mind.” Evan stood silently for a moment before stiffly walking forward.

“So, um… my room? ...Sorry, that didn’t make sense. Do you, uh, wanna go to my room?” Connor shrugged, which Evan took as a yes.

Evan’s room was small and dimly lit. One wall was scattered with posters from National Parks and some amateur photos, mostly of Evan and his mom (a few with Jared and some people Connor didn’t recognize--probably Jared’s family). The room was clean for the most part; there were textbooks and laundry scattered on the floor, as well as a few unpacked boxes lying around, but it didn’t bother Connor.

He smiled, spotting a shelf with four little potted plants lined up next to each other--each one had a little name tag sticker stuck to it's pot. Mabel, Dipper, Little Heidi, and JARED THE DESTROYER (written in Jared’s sloppy handwriting).

“S-So, um, you can leave your bag here and stuff,” Evan was leaning against the door, looking down at his shoes, “and, we… we could watch TV? There’s one in here and, uh, one in the living room--this one only plays VHS tapes though,” he gestured over to a small TV that rested on the edge of Evan’s desk, facing his bed.

“I’m cool with that,” Connor said, pulling his bag off his shoulder and setting it gently down in a random corner.

 

 

It had been awkward at first, sitting at the edge of Evan’s bed, trying to keep his gaze fixed on the staticy TV screen while the blond next to him shifted anxiously.

After the second movie they both began to relax. They were on their fourth now, _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ , having previously watched _, Mama Mia, Die Hard, Ghostbusters_ , and the _Ghostbusters_ director’s cut.

“Evan?” both boys, who had been intently watching as Hermione decked Draco Malfoy in the face, jumped at the sound of a woman’s voice echoing through the Hansen household.

Evan lurched forward and pressed the pause button the small TV.

“I-In my room!” he called out, mouthing a “sorry” to Connor. The tall teen shrugged, reaching to wrist and snapping the hair band there a few times, ears trained on the gentle footsteps of Mrs./Ms. Hansen walking towards Evan’s room.

He wasn’t a people person.

Especially if that people was an adult.

And _especially_ especially if that adult was a parent.

 _Evan’s_ parent.

Evan’s mother that Connor was pretty sure he was close with and that would probably hate him because who would want their perfect angel of a son hanging out with a 6 ft greasy emo gremlin that inhaled weed and was the renowned scourge of the neighborhood?

“Can I come in?” the knock on Evan’s door was excited.

Connor felt his stomach flip, both because he was about to officially meet Evan’s mother and because she had actually knocked on the door and asked if she could come in. Was that something most parents did? Connor’s parents usually just barged in. Larry even took away his door last summer.

“Um, sure mom,” Mrs./Ms. Hansen swung the door happily open, eyes immediately fixating on Connor. They were the same bright blue as Evan’s--they even had matching dark circles under their eyes.

“Is this Connor?” she gushed, practically skipping up to Connor and jutting her hand out. Connor shook it awkwardly, “I’m Heidi, Evan’s big sister!” she laughed at her son’s embarrassed whine, “kidding, kidding! I’m his mom. Sorry I didn’t get home sooner--work keeps me out late. It’s so great to finally meet you though, Evan’s told me so much about you!” Evan whined again and Connor glanced at him through the corner of his eye. _He talks about me?_ “Anyway, did you boys get something to eat yet? It’s--” she looked down her watch, “11:34? Jeez, I didn’t realize I had been gone so long.”

“I, um, well we haven’t actually eaten yet…” Evan spoke up.

Connor’s nodded, although he wasn’t particularly hungry. Which was fine, it was a side effect of one of the meds he was on (he was currently ignoring the fact that he was skipping on them for a day, knowing that his mom would be on him about it when he got home. She’d also be pissed that he hadn’t actually told her he wasn’t coming home for the night, but that was Future Connor’s problem).

“Well that’s no good. There’s some mini-pizza’s in the freezer, I could heat those up?” Evan looked to Connor, who nodded. Heidi grinned, “awesome! I’ll go get that started! Oh, and why don’t you boys put on your PJ’s? It’s late and I want you to start getting ready for bed after dinner, alright?”

Evan nodded, following Heidi as she left the room so he could close the door behind her.


	29. Friday October 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> posting another chapter today because i can :)

Dinner had been nice.

They’d piled up on the couch together and ate their own little pizzas while watching a pre-recorded episode of _Saturday Night Live_. Heidi had fallen asleep halfway through eating her food, exhausted from working all day at the hospital.

Connor had to borrow pajamas from Evan--which was fine because all of Evan’s clothes were way too big for him and that meant they were the right length for Connor (although the sweatpants he was wearing were a bit baggy and he had to keep pulling them up).

The downside to it all was that now Connor smelt like Evan and it was making him restless.

“So…” Evan’s voice was barely above a whisper.

After the dinner the two had retreated to Evan’s room to call it a night, having to face the fact that they’d be sharing a bed. It wasn’t too bad, aside from the fact that it was _horrible_ because Evan’s bed was small and also smelt like Evan and Evan was _in it with him_ and it was both comforting and infuriating at the same time. Connor was pressed close to the wall while Evan was so far on the other side of the bed that it was a wonder he hadn’t fallen off.

“Hey, um, Connor,” the brunet looked to the side, finding Evan staring up at the ceiling, “thank you. You know, for helping me earlier…” Connor nodded, joining Evan in looking at the ceiling.

“Don’t sweat it,” he wasn’t sure what else to say, but he wasn’t ready for there to be quiet yet, “...your mom--Heidi, she’s, um, she’s nice...” Evan nodded and there was a long silence before he spoke up.

“W-What about your mom…?” Connor hesitated before answering.

“She’s… alright. Not perfect, but I don’t make it easy for her, I guess. She tries, which… which is more than I can say for myself, so… y’know,” Connor bit down on his tongue, shifting under the covers.

He didn’t like this--talking about parents, but he had brought it upon himself when he brought up Heidi and sitting in silence didn’t seem like a better alternative; he needed something to get his mind off Evan. Laying there, trapped in his clothes, in his bed, barely a foot away from him dragged thoughts into Connor's mind that he didn’t want to face yet.

Maybe ever, if that was an option.

“What about your dad? Is he…?” Connor instantly regretted the question, feeling Evan tense up and his grip tighten on the quilt that was laid over the two.

“No,” a curt, distant response that quickly melted into Evan’s usual rambling, “n-no, um, he’s, uh he’s not around--not anymore, anyway. Which is good, I guess? I mean--it’s not that I don’t want him around--or, well, I guess I do now, I mean that I do not want him around now do want him around, sorry, that was confusing, but--I didn’t--I--I don’t know…” Evan sighed in a tired away, shifting so that he was facing Connor although their eyes didn’t meet, “he left when I was 7 but he was an asshole so I guess it’s good that he’s gone… I just… I don’t know, I miss him? Or, like, the idea of him--of having a dad.”

“They’re not all they're cracked up to be,” Connor whispered, “but… but, like, I think I know what you mean? I wish I had a dad too, sometimes. I mean,  I know that _have_ one, technically, but, I don’t know… I wish I had one that… one who…”

“One who cares?” Connor tried not to look into Evan’s eyes, but they were right there, less than two feet away, and they bore heavily into him.

He felt his throat tighten, enveloped by the dull look in Evan’s eyes because _he knew_. He wasn’t just some overpaid therapist, puppeted by his mother, who tried to humanize his issues; maybe their situations weren’t the same but the void punched into both of them was--it ate at both of them in the same way.

It wasn’t _just_ about their fathers. It was the thought--the thought that if things had been different, if that one person had been another, then maybe they wouldn’t be so fucked up. Maybe they could’ve been normal? Maybe they could’ve been happy?

Connor’s vision was getting blurry and he grabbed onto his Evan’s hand, trying to find a way to ground himself. He finally managed to tear his eyes away from Evan’s and brought his free hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking deep, unsteady breaths.

Evan didn’t say anything else, just shifted closer, resting his forehead against Connor’s shoulder and rubbing circles into the palm of his hand.


	30. Friday October 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: angsty connor and unwanted arousals

Connor was exhausted. And angry. And happy? But mostly exhausted. And the worst part about it was that he couldn’t fall asleep. Because he had a “problem”.

It had been awhile since Evan had fallen asleep. An hour or so? Maybe more. And at first Connor had thought that he’d be able to quickly follow suit, because he wasn’t at home, he’d eaten dinner for once, and he actually felt a sleepy sort of tired instead of his usual tired-of-everything sort of tired.

But, of course, his stupid fucking teenage hormones had to go and betray him like this.

The fingers of his free hand ghosted over the hem of his (well, Evan’s) sweatpants, and he glanced unsurely over at the boy next to him. His eyes were closed, hair messy, nose scrunched a little, and his dry lips were parted. Warm breath touched Connor’s neck lightly.

He closed his eyes tight, feeling like he was going to vomit.

There was too much Evan here.

Too much.

His bed, his worn out quilt, his freshly-painted blue walls, his clothes, his scent, his hand gripping Connor’s loosely; just, _him_. Connor couldn’t face him--or, more directly, Connor couldn’t face how he felt about him. About Evan.

About Evan Hansen, who didn’t look at him like he was a freak, who rambled about his dreams, who knew more about deforestation and herbology than he did about 8th grade math, who rambled and stuttered and looked at his shoes when he spoke, who was the one person that actually wanted to be Connor's friend. Evan Hansen, who had breathtaking blue eyes, who had somehow managed to make polo shirts and kakis cute, who's dorky, lopsided smile was burned into his brain, who had scars on the back of his neck from how often he scratched it, who had been the first person to show genuine interest in Connor for years.

How could Connor not love him? Or, at least, fall in love with him. Because Connor was pretty sure that was what he was doing.

And it sucked.

It really sucked.

Because he wanted to pass _this_ off as just his hormones. That it was just his sexually frustrated brain being dumb, and getting him all hot-and-bothered because he hadn’t been this close to another boy in a long time. That if it was any other guy sleeping next to him he’d be in the same situation. But he knew it wasn’t true, and it made him sick to his stomach.

He knew he was gay, of course. He came out to his parents about it last year (Larry had nearly kicked him out). But he had never actually had to face liking a guy in a non-sexual way.

And he hated the way it made him feel.

He’d always been detached from his sexual fantasies. There had never been a way to link them back to his actual life. And, for a little while, he could pretend that he was straight, because it made him feel a little more normal to do so.

But now there was Evan.

And Connor didn’t like how Evan intruded into his thoughts, didn’t like how pretty he found Evan’s lips, how he wanted to lick and bite and mark and claim Evan’s neck, how he wanted to curl around him and just let go of everything else. Because it felt _wrong_ . It felt _dirty_.

And Connor could hear Larry’s voice in his head. _Faggot_ . And it was like he was looking at himself through his father’s eyes. _Sissy_. Feeling his father’s disgust as if it was his own--and in a way it was.

He felt wrong for liking Evan because Evan was a guy and he felt wrong for liking Evan because Evan was his friend and he felt wrong for liking Evan because he shouldn’t be allowed to fall in love with someone so _perfect_ and why couldn’t he just be a little normal? Why did he have to be a fuck up in every aspect of his life? Why couldn’t he just be satisfied with this friendship? Or with being alone forever, because, honestly, that’s what he really deserved.

Connor could feel his chest began to heave and his arousal had simmered down because he just felt too overwhelmed.

He yanked his hand away from Evan’s, crossing his arms over his chest, tucking his knees up, and rolling to face the wall.

He was disgusting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yowzah i'm sorry Connor (QnQ) i don't wanna leave things on an angsty note so i'll do another update today every time someone from the DEH cast wins a tony !!!
> 
> also i wanted give a shout out to @antiqueriie who was super rad and made [fan art](https://antiqueriie.tumblr.com/post/161691024899/my-boys-3-1-moody-1-not-so-moody-drew-a) !!! go check them out if you like good art and/or this fic :)


	31. Saturday October 8

“Connor?”

Evan winced, hearing how raspy his voice was from sleeping. Was is always like that? Connor, who was facing the wall, seemed to jolt at the sound of his name. Light filtered into Evan’s room through his open window and he could see the bumps of Connor’s spine through the thin material of his shirt.

“You awake?”

“Yeah,” he shifted around so he was facing Evan. He looked tired, which wasn’t that abnormal, except there was a red, puffy look to his eyes as if he’d been rubbing them.

Evan decided not to question it.

The two shared a short, sleepy silence before Evan realized that he was staring at Connor for a little too long and his face was right there and Evan probably had morning breath and his hair was probably a mess and there was still crust in the corners of his eyes and Connor was close enough that he could definitely see it and definitely thought that Evan looked gross.

“W-We,” the freckled boy shifted so that he was sitting up, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his hair so that it’d look a little more presentable, “we should get up…” Evan played with the cuff of his sleeve as Connor stared at him intently before sitting up and pulling the hairband out of his hair. At some point during the night he had put his hair up in a bun.

It looked good on him.

Not that his normal hair didn’t look good--Evan actually really liked Connor’s hair. It had loose, naturals curls in it and fell gently around Connor’s face, framing it nicely. It also had a gorgeous color; it was this warm, autumn brown that glowed with a hint of red in the sunlight.

Another short silence, this one being interrupted by a knock on Evan’s door.

“You boys awake yet?!” Heidi’s voice rang through the white wood of the door, sounding far away, as if she was calling from across the house, “there’s a girl here to see you!” Evan and Connor shared a confused look before scrambling off the bed, Connor following him out the door and into the living room, where Heidi was sitting on the couch with Zoe.

“Did you just wake up?” Zoe’s voice was a strange mixture of amusement and annoyance. She didn’t wait for them to answer, instead standing up and looking past Evan, right at Connor, “why didn’t you check your phone?”

“Why do you care?” Connor spat back. Heidi shot Evan a surprised look. He blinked apologetically, forgetting that his mother didn’t know this side of Connor--the defensive side. She’d only met the quiet, awkwardly cute Connor that had eaten dinner on the couch with them the night before.

“Because mom was throwing a tantrum all last night--she thought you were in the hospital again,” _hospital?_ The tension in the room doubled. Evan watch Connor bristle at Zoe’s words, shooting him and Heidi an almost worried look before turning on his sister, seething. For second Evan thought he was about to blow up at her, but suddenly his shoulders deflated and his tired eyes dropped to floor.

“Whatever,” he turned on his heels and stormed back down the hallway. Evan stood awkwardly, wondering if he should follow.

“Sorry about that,” Zoe apologized with a sigh. She looked down at the plastic bag in her hands before handing it to Heidi. “Sorry about him, too, I hope he hasn’t been too much trouble. Anyway, these are some of his clothes. I figured he’d need new ones…” the blonde twirled a strand of her hair, glancing between Evan’s mom and the door.

“Thank you, sweetie,” Heidi stood up, beckoning Evan over. He ran a hand through his hair, awkwardly stumbling towards her and taking the plastic bag as she held it out, “why don’t you take this to Connor?”

Evan nodded quickly, only now becoming aware of how disheveled he looked with both his mother and Zoe’s gaze on him. He clutched the bag to his chest and scurried down the hallway, trying to figure out where Connor had gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the tony's are on but i can't watch them because my TV is being a dumbo and i'm dyyyyyyying
> 
> but (TONY SPOILERS) i heard that Alex Lacamoire got a tony and life it better. this update is for him because he's beautiful and deserves the world!


	32. Saturday October 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> headcannon: both jared and zoe had a very intense homestuck phase

Heidi watched her son retreat down the hallway, making sure he was out of earshot before turning to Zoe.

“I’m sorry again, for troubling you…”

“It really isn’t a problem, it’s nice to see Evan hanging out with a friend,” Heidi stood up, leading Zoe to the door and trying to find a careful way of phrasing her next words, “but, well,” she smiled, trying to keep her tone light, “excuse me if I’m crossing any lines here, but is something going on between Connor and your parents? Are they fighting?”

Zoe looked to her shoes.

“I… maybe?” she sighed, shrugging, “probably. They’re always at each other's throats for something, y’know? I don’t think you have to worry about them coming over here and yelling at you or anything--they don’t even know I’m here, so I doubt they’d know Connor is. I just… well, I mean he’s been hanging around Evan recently, and he doesn’t have any other friends, so I just sort of guessed that he’d be here?”

“Okay…” Heidi bit her lip thoughtfully, “and, Connor, is he…? Is he okay?”

“Yes? Or, no? I don’t know, really. I don’t… I don’t know him all that well? He’s got problems--like, mental ones. I think he has BPD? And, um, ADHD? Or is it ADD? Actually I think they re-diagnosed it as anxiety? I'm not too sure. My parents don’t really talk about it, so…” Zoe shrugged, looking almost guilty. She opened her mouth again, but the sharp ringing of the doorbell next to them cut her off.

 

 

Evan bit down on his lip when Connor wasn’t in his bedroom. Where could he be?

He began to wander around, still a little unfamiliar with the house. He eventually found himself upstairs. They didn’t really use the upstairs (the house was really too big for Evan and his mom), which meant it was dusty and mostly barren.

He stumbled upon Connor in one of the two bathrooms.

“Hey,” Connor was sitting with his knees pulled loosely to his chest, staring at his bare toes (which were also coated with black nail polish). He grunted to acknowledge Evan’s presence, but kept his gaze on his feet. “So, um,” Evan sat down next to Connor, sliding the plastic bag towards him, “this has clean clothes--your clothes, I mean. Zoe brought them for you.”

Connor took the bag with a blank expression, sifting through it, then pausing before pulling his hand out, staring at the two white pills that were now in his palm.

“What are those?” Connor shot his a glare and Evan flinched back. Connor had never glared at him before.

“Doesn’t matter,” he replied, shifting his gaze away and tossing the pills in his mouth, swallowing them without water.

Evan watched Connor toy the with the handle of the plastic bag, trying to find something to say.

“That was stupid,” the taller teen spoke up after a while, “what I did, I mean. Not responding to my mom. It was stupid, but, like, whatever… It’s just that my mom bothers me sometimes. I know I said she was alright but, just, she does this thing where everything has to be dramatic and… I don’t know. I should’ve known she’d make a big deal out of it--and then _Zoe_ had to come and yell at me like I’m some toddler… whatever,” he stood up and Evan followed suit, not sure what to say.

“It’s okay,” Connor sighed, but looked less angry than he previously been.

“It’s fine, I just need a few minutes to cool down…”

“Okay… so, um, I’ll just, uh, leave?” Evan backed away towards the door, giving Connor an unsure glance. He nodded, not looking Evan in the eyes.

 

 

“Fucking Evan,” Jared hissed under his breath, pushing his glasses up and nearly swerving off the road. He’d been texting him all morning and had yet to get a response from him. Like, what the fuck? They had planned to leave at 9. It’s passed 10:30! Jared was supposed to be the irresponsible one here! Not Evan! What is this world coming too?!

He jerked his car to a stop in front of the Hansen household, fixing his hair before marching up and angrily ringing the doorbell.

“Open up Hansen!” he stepped back in surprise when Heidi opened the door. _Shit_. Usually Heidi wasn’t home at this time of day. “Woah, sorry Ms. H…” he trailed off, even more surprised when he spotted a blonde girl standing next to her. “Evan? You look… different today,” Heidi snorted at his joke but the blonde girl seemed unamused, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes.

There was something about her that reminded him of Connor Murphy. It was probably the scowl on her face. Scowls were a very Connory thing.

“Morning, Jared,” Heidi stepped back, letting the short brunet in.

The blonde girl gave Jared an unimpressed look, as if she’d already decided that she didn’t like him.

That was cool.

He could deal with that.

Jared crossed his arms, trying his best to match her stance, freezing when he spotted the shirt she was wearing; black, short sleeve, with a Libra symbol printed across the front in _teal blue_. Oh fuck.

“Eyes up here,” the blonde snapped. Jared flushed a little, realized it looked like he was staring at her boobs, and quickly snapped his gaze up to meet the girl’s.

“Sorry, dude. Just, uh,” he pushed up his glasses, looking her dead in the eyes, “nice shirt,” the blonde’s eyes widened. Jared nodded solemnly, confirming her suspicions.

They shared a long, pained look while Heidi watched them in confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT BEN PLATT HAS WON A TONY MY SON YOU DESERVE THE WORLD HERE IS A CHAPTER POSTED IN YOUR HONOR YOU PRECIOUS BOY


	33. Saturday October 8

“Zoe, you’re still here…” Evan, who had stopped by his room to quickly get dressed, blinked in surprise. Zoe and Jared were sitting on the couch and the kettle could be heard going off in the kitchen, so his mom was probably making tea.

“Wow, not even a hello?” Jared threw his arm over the back of the couch, resting his head on it and pouting. “Also, dude, what the hell? Have you bothered to check your phone, like, at all?”

Evan’s eyes widened and he guiltily shook his head, having completely forgotten that they were supposed to go to the amusement park today. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, wincing when he spotted all the messages Jared had sent him.

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:33]** shit dude just got up prolly gnna b late picking up u and <insert emo joke here because its 2 early 4 me to think of 1>

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:33]** also like i just realized my car only has 2 seats so u r gnna hav 2 sit on 1 of our laps ;3

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:33]** well rock paper scissors for it

[Missed call from The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman at 8:34]

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:45]** actally nvm ill be on time

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:49]** *actually

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:50]**???

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:50]** u okay???

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:50]** dude respoooooooond

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [8:51]** whatev imma get hashbrowns at mc d

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:02]** yo do u want smthin

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:02]**???

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:02]** ???????

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:02]** ???????????????

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:02]** ???????????????????????

[Missed call from The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman at 9:03]

[Missed call from The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman at 9:04]

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:10]** im just gnna angrily stuff my face with hashbrowns until u answr me

[Missed call from The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman at 9:21]

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:22]** dude

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:22]** did i do smthin???

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:23]** is this about me changing ur name to acorn in my contacts

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:23]** here look ill change it back

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:23]** now its just evan

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:23]** r u happy now u acorn

[Missed call from The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman at 9:24]

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [9:26]** thats it im comin down there rn !!!!!!!!

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [10:04]** got pulled over by the cops 4 speedin

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [10:05]** my revenge may take longer than anticipated

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [10:05]** but rest assured

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [10:05]** i will have my vengeance

“You done yet,” Evan blushed, realizing he’d been staring at his phone, reading the texts, instead of paying attention to the two other teens in the room.

“Yeah, and, um, sorry about not responding. I-I was up pretty late and, uh, well, I slept in,” Jared rolled his eyes.

“Lame. I’m over it though. But, I did get pulled over by the cops and I may or may not have told them I was speeding to get to the hospital in order to see my poor best friend who’d fallen out of tree. I got pretty into the story actually--there was this part about a rabid squirrel and--uh, whatever, it’s a real tear jerker, I’ll recap it for you some other time. If the cops ask though, that cast is fresh. Also you have rabies,” Evan groaned, running a hand over his face, “btw, I was serious about not having enough seats in my pick up. I was thinking you could sit on my lap and Connor sits on Zoe’s? Or you could just lie down in the trunk and hope you don’t fall out.”

“Wait--Zoe’s coming?” Zoe and Jared nodded in unison.

“Yup, she’s a pretty cool chick actually. I’ve been talking with her while you were up there fucking MCR. Can you believe they’re actually related? Woah, hey, speak of the devil,” Evan spun around, coming face-to-chest with Connor. Holding in a squeak, Evan stumbled backwards. Connor had changed into the clothes Zoe had brought; his usual black jeans and a purple hoodie.

“What’re you still doing here?” he was looking at Zoe, blank expression on his face.

“Really, am I just invisible today?” Jared whined.

“Jared invited me along with you guys,” Zoe there was stiff tension in the room as the Murphy’s locked eyes. Evan watched Connor carefully, but his expression didn’t change.

“Cool,” Connor said after a short pause, his eyes turning on Evan, raising a brow as he caught him staring. “What?”

“O-Oh, um, nothing--just, you, uh, look nice?” the freckled boy scrambled for an answer, saying the first thing that flitted to his mind.

He froze when he realized what he had said and he could hear Jared snickering behind him. But it’s not like he was lying! Purple looked good on Connor and he had braided a strand of hair and tucked it behind his ear, showing off one of the black earings he always had on.

“Wh--” Connor's eyes were blown wide, “um, thanks?” He walked quickly past Evan before the blond could catch his expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright last update of the day i promise
> 
> i haven't watched the tony's yet but let's say this chapter is just in honor of all the DEH cast, because honesty they're all PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL and deserve the world


	34. Saturday October 8

Why was Connor doing this? He looked to side, spotting Evan fidgeting nervously in the passenger's seat next to him.

Oh.

Right.

That’s why.

He sighed under his breath, glaring at three teens in his back seat through his rear view mirror. They had decided to take his car, seeing as everyone couldn’t all fit in Jared’s pick up truck. Alana (who had been dragged along as well so Zoe would have someone to talk to) was sandwiched in between Jared and his sister, looking a little uncomfortable as the two argued over something stupid.

“Oh, shut up Kleinman. _I’m_ not the one wearing a fanny pack!”

“Hey!” Jared crossed his arms defensively, “don’t bring my fanny into this, Murphy.”

He rolled his eyes, digging his phone out of his back pocket before looking over at Evan.

“Wanna play some music?” he unlocked his phone and held it out to the blond. Evan took it gingerly, as if he was scared to break it.

“I-I, um, I don’t, uh, know all that much about… about music, so…” he bit down on his lip, looking down at the screen nervously.

“That’s fine, I’m not here to judge your music taste,” Evan’s shoulders relaxed, but he still looked nervous, “if it’s really bothering you, you can just open up Spotify and put on a random playlist. I just need something to drown out those two,” Connor nodded towards Jared and Zoe.

“That’s the, um, the black and green one right?” Evan narrowed his eyes in concentration, plugging Connor’s phone into the radio and put on some indie station.

Connor hummed along mindlessly to the beat, not knowing any of the songs but enjoying the gentle sound. Eventually the car fell into a comfortable silence, Jared giving directions every now and then and Evan nervously adjusting the volume for each song so that it wouldn’t be too loud or too quiet.

 

 

Jared glared down at his lap, leg bouncing against the edge of the seat.

This was boring.

He’d take arguing with Zoe over silence. Any silence, even ones of the non-awkward variety, tended to make him uncomfortable. He pulled his phone out of his dinosaur-print fanny pack, mentally cursing Zoe for saying it was lame, and tried to find something on his phone to distract him.

 **Jare-Bear [10:57]** im bored

 **Murphy #2 [10:58]** I’m going to regret giving u my # aren't I?

 **Jare-Bear [10:58]** oh yeah definitely

 **Murphy #2 [10:58]** Hey wait is this a group chat?

 **Jare-Bear [10:59]** yup the whole gang is here

 **Murphy #2 [10:59]** Dude wtf??? Can’t you just speak to us like a normal person

 **Jare-Bear [11:00]** naahhhhhhh

 **Murphy #2 [11:00]** Fuck u

 **Murphy #2 [11:00]** Also how did u get alana’s #?

 **Jare-Bear [11:01]** jelous?

 **Future Ms. President [11:01]** Jared and I worked on a project together last year. I’m assuming he must’ve kept my number from when I gave it to him then?

 **Jare-Bear [11:02]** yea

 **Future Ms. President [11:02]** Also, for the record, Zoe has my number as well.

 **Murphy #2 [11:02]** And she gave it to me without being obligated too

 **Jare-Bear [11:03]** woah chill murph

 **Acorn [11:03]** Hi!

 **Acorn [11:03]** Sorry if that was weird, I wasn’t sure what to say and it felt creepy just reading all of your texts without actually saying something

 **Jare-bear [11:03]** its ok man zoe here was just being protective of her gf

 **Jare-bear [11:04]** u r not missing out on much

 **Murphy #2 [11:04]** We r not dating!!!

 **Murphy #2 [11:04]** Also whos the other #?

 **Jare-Bear [11:05]** you can deny it all u want zoe

 **Jare-Bear [11:05]** but just kno that denial is basically gay culture

“Oh, um, that’s my number,” Evan turned around in his seat, speaking to Zoe. Jared took the second of distraction as an opportunity to quickly change Alana’s contact name.

 **Murphy #2 [11:06]** Wtf do u know about gay culture jared

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:06]** Hello Evan!

 **Jare-Bear [11:06]** more than u apparently

 **Acorn [11:07]** (Burn)

 **Acorn [11:07]** Hello Alana!

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:07]** Would you mind if I saved your number?

 **Jare-Bear [11:07]** hahaha hear that zoe even evan thinks i schooled u >:]

 **Acorn [11:08]** No, go right ahead!

 **Murphy #2 [11:08]** Evan how could u betray me like this

 **Jare-Bear [11:08]** (*high five*)

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:08]** (*High five*?)

 **Acorn [11:09]** Sorry Zoe :)

 **Jare-Bear [11:09]** (srry lana that was 4 evan)

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:09]** (Oops, sorry.)

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:09]** (*High five retracted*)

 **Acorn [11:09]** (*High five*)

 **Acorn [11:10]** (*High five*)

 **Acorn [11:10]** The second one was for Alana :)

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:10]** Thank you Evan!

 **Future Mrs. Murphy [11:10]** (*High five*)

 **Jare-Bear [11:11]** omfg

 **Murphy #2 [11:11]** I can’t believe I’m friends with u nerds

 **Conman [11:11]** guys we’ve been parked for five minutes can you get off your fucking phones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally got to watch the tony awards and ???? ben platt singing is so beautiful ???? i dIED HES SO GOOD AND MIKE FAIST !!!! I CRIED WHEN HE SAID HE DRESSED FOR THE TONY'S THE SAME WAY CONNOR WOULD'VE DRESSED IF HE'D GONE TO PROM !!!! I'M STILL CRYING !!!!


	35. Saturday October 8

“You guys are lame,” Connor watched Jared stick his tongue out at Zoe and Alana.

“I don’t think wanting to live is lame,” Zoe retorted, linking her arm with Alana’s.

“But you haven’t even gone on _one_ ride yet!”

“Jared, I don’t think any of these rides are up to code…” Alana had decided to sit this roller coaster out with Zoe, since the blonde was apparently too chicken to go on any of the rides. Seriously, they had been here for hours and she'd chosen to sit out every single time. Why had she even come?

“But that’s what makes them fun!” Jared was waving his arms in exasperation. Connor started to tune them out, turning to Evan, who was looking up at the roller coaster with his head tilted back, trying to see how far it went up.

_Cute._

“You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to,” they hadn’t been on any real roller coasters since they’d entered the park. Mostly the group had spent their time playing those weird festival games (Zoe was really good at them and had been able to win a giant stuffed tiger). At one point Jared had managed to drag him and Alana on one of those Top Scan rides, but Evan had sat out with Zoe because he’d just eaten a funnel cake and was afraid he’d throw up.

“Are you kidding?” Evan turned to him with a ear-to-ear grin and Connor felt his heart catch in his throat, “this is my favorite ride!”

“Alright,” Connor’s voice cracked on the word and pivoted on his heels and walked towards the line so he wouldn’t have a chance to feel embarrassed. Evan and Jared followed suit while Alana waved them off and Zoe looked down at her shoes.

The line was pretty short--they only had to listen to Jared rambling about some weird conspiracy theory involving Avril Lavigne for about ten minutes before a attendee ushered them onto the ride.

Evan sat squished in between Connor and Jared, grabbing onto the safety bar excitedly as Jared took off his glasses and tucked them safely away. Connor tightened his ponytail, feeling a little nervous now that the track was ahead of him.

It had been a really long time since he’d been on a roller coaster.

“Alright!” Jared was bouncing in his seat, a shaky grin plastered on his face, “let’s get this party started!” Was he nervous? Connor noticed that he had one of his hands gripped tightly on Evan’s knee and felt jealousy bubble in his stomach.

Suddenly the ride jolted forward and they were going up, slowly climbing to the peak of the ride. Connor hadn’t really anticipated how far up they’d go. Or how rickety it would be.

Were those noises normal?

He closed his eyes, feeling a scream ripped out of him when the ride suddenly plummeted towards the ground.

“SWEET JESUS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!” Connor peaked an eye open, laughing through the terror as he watched Jared scream bloody murder, clinging onto Evan for dear life, verging on tears. Evan had a mile-wide grin on his face, his blue eyes lit up with excitement as the track swerved and dipped, hurtling the three forward.

Then it was all over, the ride jolted to a stop and the three stumbled onto the platform so that the next group could get on.

“Holy shit, that was terrifying," Jared wobbled, pale faced and gripping Evan's shoulder tightly to steady himself as he put his glasses back on, "I think I peed a little," he was starting to regain his balance, a toothy smirk making it's way onto his face, "let’s go again!” Evan laughed, shoving him off and turning to Connor with bright eyes.

“Awesome, right?” Connor nodded dumbly, adrenaline still pumping through his veins. Giddy, the three made their way to the booth that displayed the photos from the ride, taking a second to pick out theirs.

Jared had his face half-buried in Evan's shoulder, mouth open in a scream and tears glinting in the corner of his eyes, Evan’s eyes were squinted in laughter and he had an award-winning grin on his face. Connor flushed when he saw himself--hair blown behind him and lips still pulled into a smile from laughing at Jared. The worst part is that he was shamelessly staring at Evan. Not that the other two boys noticed this. Still, could he be more obvious?

“I’m gonna buy one,” Evan announced, much to Jared’s horror.

“I hate you,” the short boy whined, trying (and failing) to hold Evan back as he marched up to the girl manning the counter and pointed at the picture he wanted, anxiously shoving a few crumpled bills onto the counter and walking away before he could get his change. He even forgot his picture and Jared reluctantly took it from the cashier and chased after him.

After a short mental debate Connor decided to buy one as well.

Would it be creepy if he cut out Jared and himself and just kept the part of the photo with Evan in it?

Probably.


	36. Saturday October 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's like 4 AM and i'm still not asleep so have an update my dudes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: cute girls

Zoe clutched the tiger stuffed animal awkwardly under her arm, using her now-free hand to hold onto the blue cotton candy Alana was offering her.

“Thank you,” the blonde said sheepishly, “I promise to pay you back on Monday, okay?” Alana shook her head.

“No need. You brought me here, so this is my treat,” she pushed up her glasses and took a bite of the pink cotton candy she had bought for herself.

“Alright…” it was getting dark, the boys had been off hoping from roller coaster to roller coaster for a few hours now. Not that Zoe was complaining at having Alana all to herself, although she did feel bad knowing that Alana wasn’t going on rides so that the blonde wouldn’t be alone.

The two had met at the beginning of the year. Zoe was still a sophomore, but almost all of her classes were junior-level (this is because she decided to spend the previous summer taking classes to get herself ahead). Of course, this meant that Zoe didn’t share classes with any of her friends, which had been fine until her first partner assignment rolled around. There had been an awkward moment where she looked around the room, lost, until Alana came bouncing up to her, apparently aware of her situation, and eagerly asked if she could be her partner.

The two girls didn’t really hang out outside of school, but they have worked on every project together so far this year.

Zoe found her presence… calming? Maybe it was because Alana always had something to say and was easy to talk to, which meant Zoe didn’t have to worry about there being long, awkward silences.

“Did you know that cotton candy was originally called fairy floss?” both girls had eaten their sugary fluff down to the paper cone, “I’ve always liked that name better. I think they still call it that in Australia? They call it candy floss in the UK--or, at least, that’s what I’ve heard. I’ve never actually been the UK, or outside of the country, or outside of the state, but I’d like to travel! I’d like to visit Asia, if I could--especially China. It’s one of the oldest countries in the world and has such a rich culture. Is there any place you’d like to travel?”

Alana smiled at her and for a second Zoe got lost in the bright lights of the park reflecting in the wide lenses of her glasses. She really liked Alana’s eyes. They were a deep, rich brown, almost black, and they vaguely reminded Zoe of the night sky.

The blonde blinked rapidly, reminding herself that she still hadn’t provided an answer.

“France, I think. Me and my family went there once when I was really little, but I don’t remember much of it,” it wasn’t a total lie. Most of the trip was fuzzy--she had only been 5--but she could remember bits and pieces.

She definitely remembered having to sit in the hallway, curled up next to Connor, while her parents fought in the hotel room. And she also remembered her father yelling at Connor in the middle of an art gallery because he had tried to climb up onto one of the sculptures. But none of those memories were really nice, and she’d rather not dampen the mood by sharing them.

“France is beautiful! Well, at least in pictures. I’d love to go their as well. They have amazing cathedrals, and I’d really like to visit Notre Dame. I was a big fan of the Hunchback of Notre Dame when I was little--I read the book and everything! I even dressed up as Esmeralda for Halloween once,” she grinned sheepishly, “I was so embarrassed--I couldn’t even leave the house to go tricker treating.”

“No way,” Zoe leaned over and nudged Alana with her shoulder, “I bet you looked adorable… hey! Do you have a costume yet for this year? You should totally dress up as Esmerelda again and come tricker treating with me and my friends--have a redo!”

Alana’s eyes went wide.

“O-Oh, um,” a big smile fell onto her face and Zoe felt her heart flutter, “I’d love too.”


	37. Saturday October 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very very short chapter -- i'll post another later

Evan closed his eyes, listening to Connor hum along to whatever song is playing on the radio. It’s something he does a lot, and Evan loves it. It’s a soft, smooth sound and he could listen to if for hours, no matter what song Connor’s humming along to.

“Alana?” she stirred in the back seat as Connor pulled up into her driveway. Or, well, the driveway of her apartment complex. She nudges a sleeping Zoe off her shoulder and gives everyone a tired goodbye before climbing out of the car.

“Later Lana,” Jared mumbles. His glasses were askew on his face and his hair was sticking out, unkept from all the roller coaster riding. Evan smiles a little to himself, thinking that he looks a lot like spunky little 6-year-old Jared. Although he's missing the tooth-gap from where one of the 5th-grade students had punched his two front tooth out.

The ride to Jared’s house was quiet.

Zoe was sitting cross legged without a seatbelt, hugging her stuffed tiger close, and Jared was looking out the window, giving directions every once in awhile. Connor had stopped humming, eyes narrowed as he focused on the dark road. Evan watches the way Connor handles the steering wheel. He can’t drive himself--he knows how to, his mom had taught him last summer, but he’d had a panic attack his first real time on the road and had nearly gotten both Heidi and himself killed. He’d sworn off driving ever since.

They bid Jared their goodbye’s when they finally reach his house. He fixes his glasses, lingering at the car door, his eyes fixed on the driveway. Neither of his parents cars were there.

“Hey, Ev,” the blond had already undone his seatbelt, not needing Jared to continue on with his question.

“I’m gonna stay over at Jared’s for the night,” Connor nodded, looking a little confused, “I’ll see you on Monday?”

“Sure, yeah,” he watched Connor’s grip tighten on the steering wheel and wondered if he’d done something wrong. 

“Bye Evan,” Zoe piped up from the back seat, climbing up to take his spot in the passenger’s seat as he got out of the car. She looked past Evan, probably wanting to say goodbye to Jared too, but he had already made his way to his porch, fumbling with his house keys.

“Bye Zoe, bye Connor,” Evan stepped away from the car, waving to them as they pulled away from the house and drove away. He shot his mom a quick text, telling her that he’d stay the night at Jared’s, then followed him into his house.


	38. Saturday October 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: underage drinking

By the time he got inside Jared had already pulled two beers out of the back of the fridge and was sitting on the couch, one arm thrown over the back and a blank expression on his face.

Jared’s parents were young, they’d rushed into marriage and had Jared around 18. From what Evan knew, they couldn’t stand each other. But they were adamant about not getting a divorce, since their families were pretty conservative, so somehow they had come to the agreement that just not being home was better. Which it might’ve been, at least they weren’t fighting all the time (social services had even taken Jared out of the house for a short period time when he was 7 because the neighbors complained so often).

Still, Evan knew it bothered Jared when they both disappeared without a warning, usually at least one of them would stick around while the other was gone.

“Did they leave a note?” Evan took a seat next to Jared on the couch, picking up his bottle and staring down at it. He didn’t remember exactly when they started drinking together. Maybe their last year of middle school? He never drank as much as Jared, but they'd been doing this long enough for Evan to build up a decent tolerance to alcohol.

“Dad’s on a “business trip”. Says he’ll be back next week,” Evan nodded, knowing not to push him further. He took a sip of his beer and winced at the bitter taste. He didn’t really like it, but getting buzzed made his anxiety easier to cope with.

Evan didn’t know what else to say, so he continued to drink. They hadn’t even bothered to turn the lights on, although Evan noticed there was a faint glow from the kitchen which meant that Jared had probably forgotten to close the refrigerator door.

“Soooo,” Jared down the rest of his beer, wiping his mouth before continuing, “you and Hot Topic?”

“Connor?” Jared nodded, looking intently at Evan’s face, as if he was searching for something. Evan wasn’t really sure what the question was, but the way Jared looked at him was making him uncomfortable. “What about him?” Jared looked away, shrugging before getting to his feet and setting his empty beer bottle on the coffee table.

“I don’t know,” he gestured for Evan to follow him into the kitchen, “are you two, like, a thing now?”

“A thing?” Evan watched him grab another beer out of the fridge, pull out a swiss army knife from his fanny pack and use it to snap the cap off. He smiled a little, remembering that he’d bought the knife for Jared as a birthday present when they were 12.

“Like, y’know, a _thing_ -thing? Like, an item?” Evan nearly choked on his beer when he finally got what Jared meant.

“N-no!”

“Wow. Very convincing.”

“We’re not _gay_!” Jared’s face went deadpan and he slowly rose an eyebrow, “we are not!”

“Look, I don’t know about you, but Conman definitely has a case of the gay. Trust me. I’ve got, like, the gayest gaydar ever, and all signs point to your not-boyfriend being a flaming homosexual,” Evan pouted down at his empty beer bottle and Jared, who was leaning against the still-open fridge door, reached in to grab him another.

“Don’t you, like, have to be gay to have a gaydar?” Evan defended meekly. Jared shifted a bit, holding out the beer to Evan and tapping his foot against the cold tile of the kitchen.

“Yup,” he held himself tensely and Evan tilted his head, confused. There was a short silence before Jared sighed, “dude, you realize that I’m about as straight as a circle, right?”

“But circles aren’t--oh,” Evan’s eyes widened, “wait, you’re--wha--I didn’t--does anyone else know?” He stumbled over his words, not sure what he was supposed to say. Jared rolled his eyes, as if he was expected this reaction.

There was a smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

“Heidi knows, I told her last year. I haven’t told anyone else, so, uh, keep this on the down low, okay?” Evan nodded dumbly, watching Jared down his second beer and reach for a third.

“Alright… and, um, I’m--I--”

“If this is one of those “I’m proud of you” or “you’re so brave” speeches I’m gonna cut you off right now. I don’t need this turning into some mushy gushy love fest, Hansen,” he hiccuped, probably having drunk his last beer a little too quickly. Evan nodded again, starting to feel the alcohol clouding his brain. There was a bit of quiet before Jared grabbed a few beer cans from the fridge, finally closed it, and went back to living room. Evan trailed after him.

“So, like--there’s really nothing going on between you two?”

“No, I, um,” Evan hesitated. He thought back to the night before, falling asleep with his hand intertwined with Connor’s, “I’m straight, so…” at least Evan thought he was?

“Really? I feel sorry for Murphy then--pinning after a straight dude,” he laughed dryly, “that’s rough.”

“I mean, I think I’m straight?” Evan whispered, setting his empty beer bottle down on the ground and reaching for one of the cans Jared had dumped on the table. Of course, Evan had found guys attractive before--but that was normal, wasn't it? It wasn't like he wanted to _date_ guys. Except for maybe Andrew Garfield when  _The Amazing Spiderman_ movies had come out. But, really, who could blame him? Andrew Garfeild was cute! ...okay, _and_ there was that one guy that he talked to sometimes in middle school, he'd never actually learned his name--they'd just sit in the school garden sometimes and talk about the plants that were growing there. 

But that didn't mean he didn't like girls! There was that pretty substitute teacher who always used to give him a gold star in preschool! And Stephanie Hsu, who'd done a Shakespear recital for the 3rd grade talent show! And that one girl who'd waved at him in 8th grade history class and he'd daydreamed about going out with her for the rest of the school year, as well as a few other nameless girls that he'd never had the courage to talk too.

Evan groaned, running his hand through his hair.

“I don’t know. I mean, I’ve liked girls before? But…” his mind snapped back to Connor, the main boy in question. Did he like Connor? Well, of course, he _liked_ Connor--but not in the way Jared meant. Right? Just because he had found a few boys attractive didn't mean he was capable of falling in love with one. Not that it was wrong for boys to fall in love with boys, it's just that Evan wasn't the kind of boy who fell in love with boys because he liked girls.

Right?

Jared was giving him a funny look that was hard to decipher in the dim lighting.

“So, what? You bi?”

“Bi?” Jared gave an indignant snort. He had to pushed up his glasses, making it clear that he was rolling is eyes behind them.

“Bisexual,” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest when Evan continued to look confused, “it means you like girls _and_ guys.”

“Oh,” Evan felt goosebumps rise along his arms, “that’s a thing?” Jared laughed, nodding drunkenly.

_Oh._


	39. Saturday October 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people are leaving such nice comments and i'm dyyyyying

“Dad’s going to kill you when we get home,” Zoe said as they pulled out of Jared’s driveway. Connor stiffened, already on edge at being left alone with his sister.

“Don’t remind me,” the words came out of his mouth harsher than he intended them too. Zoe looked away from him and out the window. Awesome, two seconds alone with his sister and he’s already managed to fuck it up. _Good job, freak._

He cleared his throat.

“Hey, um,” the digital clock on his radio read 11:26. It was late, but he was going to get a lecture when he got home anyway so he figured staying out a little while longer couldn't hurt, “you wanna get some ice cream?” Zoe turned to him, surprised, before nodding.

The rest of the ride was silent.

“This place is still around?” a small smile flickered on Zoe’s lips as Connor pulled into the parking lot in front of A La Mode. They used to visit the place on family outings when Connor and Zoe were little--before the bad blood had started to build within their family.

“I know, right?” Connor slipped his wallet out of the glove compartment before getting out of the car and walking into the old ice cream parlor, Zoe in tow. He came here a lot when he ditched, that is when he wasn't at the orchard. The place had been around since the 80’s, according to the plaque on the door, and looked like it hadn’t aged a day since it opened.

There was a tired middle aged man behind the counter that looked annoyed to have customers so late. He kept glaring at Connor as the two ordered their ice creams. Connor got rocky road and Zoe got two scoops of strawberry for herself, teasing her brother for getting rainbow sprinkles before.

They exited the shop silently, leaning against the dusty hood of Connor’s car as they ate. Connor finished first, using his sleeve to wipe a smudge of chocolate off his face, too lazy to pull the napkins he had snagged out of his back pocket.

He stared at Zoe through the corner of his eye, feeling his stomach clench with nerves.

He had talked with Evan about wanting to apologize to Zoe, but he had never considered how he would go about doing it. He couldn’t imagine a time or place where the words would fit--in all honesty, he didn’t think there really was such a time or place. Apologies weren’t a Murphy thing, and they probably never would be. Still…

 _Just do it_. He tried in vain to fight off the image of Jared doing the Shia Labeouf pose, holding back a groan as it surfaced to his mind despite his best efforts.

“What’re you smiling about?” Zoe nudged his shoulder playfully. He rolled his eyes, spotting a dribble of strawberry ice cream staining her chin.

“Nothing,” he tugged a crumpled napkin out of his back pocket and handed it out to her, “you’ve just got some food on your face. Makes you look like a toddler.” Zoe rolled her eyes but took the napkin regardless.

_Well. Now or never._

“Hey, um,” he felt himself freeze at his sister’s questioning glance, ripping his eyes away from hers and focusing on bumps in the asphalt beneath them. “Is it… is it to late too apologize?” there was an unsettling quiet before he continued, “I know I’ve been a real shithead, especially during the last few years, but… but I’m trying and... I’m sorry,” he ran a hand through his hair, trying to come up with more to say. The tall boy nearly toppled to the ground as Zoe crashed into his side, arms wrapping tightly around him.

“You’re horrible, you know that?” she laughed dryly, her voice wavering, and Connor didn’t know what to do. He wrapped an arm awkwardly around her, looking up at the starry sky above them.

They stayed like that for awhile before wordlessly pulling apart and getting back into his car. Connor shot Evan a quick text while Zoe buckled her seat belt.

 **Me [12:23]** i apologized to zoe

 **Me [12:23]** it wasn’t big or amazing or anything like that

 **Me [12:23]** i don’t know

 **Me [12:23]** i think things are gonna get better


	40. Sunday October 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: underage drinking

Evan’s phone buzzed on the coffee table.

He looked at it through sleep-bleary eyes before deciding against answering it, choosing to flop back against the couch instead. The freckled boy winced as his head hit the armrest, feeling the world spin for a second.

“When did you get so tall?” beer cans scattered the floor and the credits for some midnight drama were rolling on the TV. Jared was stumbling back from the kitchen, gaze trained on Evan. It was a miracle he didn’t slip on one of the beer cans, although he almost managed to trip over the coffee table.

Evan was half trying to sleep and half listening to Jared’s drunken rambling. A minute ago Jared had been shouting about the moon landing. What was he talking about now? It was hard for Evan to focus. He took another lazy sip from his beer can, finishing it off and tossing it to the floor with the others. They'd clean them up in the morning.

Suddenly Jared collapsed onto his chest and Evan shifted, struggling to take in a breath and not completely comfortable with the other boy lying on top of him, but too tired and drunk to do anything about it.

“I used to be taller than you, remember?” there was a prominent slur in Jared’s voice that made him hard to understand. His chin rested awkwardly against Evan’s collar bone and at some point his glasses had fallen off so he had to squint in an attempt to see clearly.

“Get off,” he tried to push Jared off him but found it hard to summon any strength. Jared whined in protest at Evan’s struggling.

“Noooooooo--” a hiccup cut his complaint short.

“Jared, c’mon,” Evan wiggled, “get off--”

“Wait,” Jared’s arms wrapped tightly around him. He let his face fall to the side so that his cheek was laying flat against Evan’s chest and his nose was brushing the base of Evan’s neck, “just… let me have this… just for a minute, okay?”

Evan stopped moving, trying to decipher the unusual tone of Jared’s voice. He wasn’t used to the other boy sounding anything but cocky or sarcastic. But drunken Jared wasn’t an unpredictable Jared, so he decided not to question it.

“Okay.”

He felt his mouth run dry as something wet soaked through his shirt. He tried his best to look down without drawing Jared’s attention.

_Is he crying?_

It wouldn’t be that unusual--Evan had learned through the years of being drinking buddies that Jared was an clingy and emotional drunk. One time he’d burst into tears while watching _Mary_ Poppins, and he had only been buzzed at the time. But usually he only cried if something set him off, and right now Evan couldn’t tell what had pushed him to tears.

_He was probably just thinking about soft shell tacos again._

Evan sighed, leaning his head back against the armrest of the couch and mindlessly rubbed circles into the shorter boy’s back with his good hand. His other arm, the one in the cast, was trapped uncomfortably in between Jared and the couch.

The tears felt warm against his skin. He felt like he should say something, to try comforting the other boy, but it was hard to think of words with his mind all jumbled by alcohol.

“Jared,” his head felt tight and he wasn’t too sure how he had intended to finish his sentence, “you know you’re my best friend, right?”

“Yeah,” Jared’s voice was hoarse and his hands gripped tightly to the back of Evan’s shirt, “I know.”


	41. Monday October 10

“Morning!” Connor’s already waiting for him when Evan exits his house, a stern, focused expression on his face as he stares at the pavement. He doesn’t respond immediately, as if it takes him a minute to actually realize Evan’s there.

“Hey,” his expression doesn’t change and Evan can feel his fingertips tremble. Did he do something wrong?

“So,” he winced as his voice cracked, “I’m, um, I’m gonna go to the doctor against this week--for my arm. They’re gonna tell me when I’m gonna be able to take my cast off… Jared, um, Jared said that we should do something together to celebrate--when I get the cast off, I mean. We could invite Alana and Zoe too, since they seemed like they had fun on Saturday? Or, I mean, I guess I shouldn’t just assume…” Connor doesn’t respond, his eyes once again trained on the ground.

Evan does the same, feeling dejected for a few minutes before building up his courage and deciding to speak up.

“Is… Is something wrong?” Connor stops and the freckled boy feels panic bubble inside of him, “s-sorry!” Evans stops too, looking down at his shoes, “I just thought, well, I mean you just seemed--” he bites his tongue, looking up to find Connor’s face has gone soft and he’s wearing that strained quirk of a smile he puts on when he’s sorry.

“It’s nothing,” the taller teen reassures, starting to walk again, “I’ve, uh, just been fighting with my dad a little this weekend. I brought Zoe home late on Saturday, and then there was the staying-out-all-night-without-an-explanation thing--it’s put him in a bad mood, y’know? Well, I mean, not that he’s usually in a good mood when I’m around. It’s just been a little worse than normal. He keeps giving me shit about random crap and, uh, it’s tiring.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor shrugged.

“It’s not your fault,” they fell into silence for awhile.

Evan looks down at his shoelaces, wondering if Connor would be annoyed if he stopped and re-tied them because one of the shoes had significantly tighter laces than the other and it was starting to get on his nerves.

He decided against it and tried to find something else to focus on.

His eyes settle on Connor’s hand; it was swaying by his side, fingertips curled and brushing against the hem of his jacket. He has long, knobby fingers and Evan remembered them being almost deathly cold. There were cuts and scars on his knuckles, some were old and some looked fairly knew. Evan had never questioned them, thinking that Connor might get mad if he did. The ever-present black nail polish is fresh but has a dull look to it, missing the glossy sheen that most nail polish has.

_I wonder how he makes it do that?_

“Why do you paint your nails?” Evan asks after a few minutes of staring at Connor’s hand. The brunet blinked, surprised at the sudden question, before answering.

“I used to bite them a lot in elementary school, so when I got into middle school Zoe started painting them to help me kick the habit. I sort of got used to it after a while… and it’s kind of therapeutic? It also pisses my dad off, which is always a plus,” Evan nodded, looking down at his own stubby and chewed up nails. Connor caught his gaze, his gray eyes lighting up, “want me to paint your nails, Hansen?”

Evan shrunk a little and shoved his hands in his pockets, embarrassed and wondering if Connor had really meant the offer or if he was just teasing.

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind…” a smile edges it’s way onto Connor’s face and Evan shrinks further in on himself, hands fidgeting in his pockets. He wondered if it was normal for a straight boy to think another boy’s smile was breathtaking? Probably not. He was beginning to think that he was probably not straight.

“Sweet,” the two look up to find they’ve reached the gates of the school. Connor stops, and begins to backtrack. It’s not unusual for him to walk Evan to school but not follow him inside. He skips his first period a lot, but he’s usually back by lunch, “so, um, I’ll see you after school?”

Evan nods and waves a goodbye to Connor as he trots off, letting his gaze linger for a little too long before shaking his head and scurrying to his homeroom, wondering if Connor had caught the flush on his face.


	42. Monday October 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> updating really early today bc i cant sleep,,, also i'll probably do another update later today bc this one is short :p

Evan felt worried when Connor didn’t show up for lunch like he usually did. Jared wasn’t around either, having stayed home for some undisclosed reason (Evan was betting on a hangover, since Jared was notoriously known for never getting sick), so the freckled boy had ended up eating his lunch alone in the library like he used to do whenever Jared wasn’t in school.

The rest of the day had passed slowly.

Eventually Evan found himself waiting by the back gates of the school for Connor, like he usually did. Most days they walked home together--the only days they didn't were Thursdays because Connor had therapy, although that was only every other week. Heidi usually scheduled Evan's appointments for Saturdays, but he only went once a month since that's all that their insurance would cover.

After fifteen minutes of waiting he started to worry, pulling out his phone and staring at Connor’s contact for a little before texting him (he didn't have any pictures of Connor so he'd just made his icon a picture of a pine tree).

 **Evan [3:18]** Are you okay?

 **Evan [3:18]** It’s just that usually you’re already waiting for me when I get out of class

 **Evan [3:18]** And you weren’t here at lunch…

 **Evan [3:19]** Fuck that probably sounded passive agressive, didn’t it? I didn’t mean for it too!

 **Evan [3:19]** It’s just that you wanted me to come over so I figured we’d be walking home together…

 **Evan [3:20]** It’s okay though, you’re probably just busy, so I’ll walk home on my own :)

He frowned down at his phone nervously, waited a few more minutes for a reply, then began walking home when he didn’t get one.

He tried to keep his intrusive thoughts at bay.

Connor didn’t hate him, he was probably just blowing off steam somewhere because of what was going on with his dad. Or maybe he’d just lost track of time. It was selfish of Evan to blame it on himself--he wasn’t the only thing in Connor’s life.

_Selfish._

He picked at the plaster of his cast and began to walk faster.

Evan slowed to a stop as he reached the fence that separated the Murphy and Hansen household. There were two cars in the driveway: Connor’s beat up black car and a pristine silver one that Evan didn’t recognize. He looked at the Murphy's door warily then took out his phone; Connor still hadn’t responded.

The freckled boy lingered for a few more moments before shakily walking up onto the Murphy’s porch. This would be fine. He'd just ask if Connor was home. Not too hard, right? He raised his hand to knock on the door, stopping in his tracks when he heard shouting coming from inside.

“You can’t do that!”

It was Connor’s voice.

“I can do whatever I goddamn please!" Was that Connor's father? "This is _MY_  house, you are _MY_  son, and as long as you’re living under _MY_  roof you have to listen to _ME_!”

Evan flinched back, stumbling away from the door and staring at it for a long time. He continued to hear yelling from inside the house, but was unable to make out the words. Evan felt sick.

Should he go in?

He wanted to help but he wasn’t sure he’d actually be able to do anything. He’d probably just end up making things worse for Connor.

 _I’ll just…_ he sighed, gripping the straps of his backpack and making his way over to his own house, _I’ll just give him some space._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel bad everyone was getting excited for evan with painted nails,,, it'll happen eventually i promise !!!


	43. Tuesday October 11

Connor wasn’t waiting out front of his house the next morning. He hadn’t texted him back yesterday either.

Evan waited at the edge of the Murphy’s lawn, looking at the pavement and tracing his foot along the cracks.

He felt ashamed. He should’ve tried to help when he heard the shouting. He’d contemplated climbing up to Connor’s window that night, but the blinds had been shut and he didn’t want to disturb the brunet if he was brooding.

He knew that Connor liked his space, but it was hard to stay away from him.

 **Evan** [ **7:29]** Are you coming to school today?

 **Connor [7:31]** no

Evan stared at his phone, waiting to see if he’d say why, but he didn’t. The blond frowned, slipping his phone back into his pocket and starting the trek to school by himself.

 

 

Jared was still gone, so that meant another lunch alone. Evan tucked himself away in the corner of the library, opening up a textbook in front of him so that it looked like he was studying instead of eating alone like a loser.

“Evan?” he snapped his head to the side at the sound of his name.

“Oh, hey Alana,” he tried his best not to sound disappointed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude, but, well, I volunteer at the library lunch--it’s a very good way to earn community service hours, I’m going for the school record--although the point I was trying to make is that you aren’t usually around. I saw you yesterday as well, are you studying? If you’re having trouble with a subject you could try joining my study group? We meet for an hour after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” she smiled, standing next to Evan’s table and rocking on her heels, a few books tucked under one arm.

“Oh, uh, thank you, but I’m good,” actually, he could probably use help in math, but joining a study group sounded like it would involve social interaction, and he’d take struggling in math over having to talk with strangers. 

“Oh,” Alana tapped her foot, still standing, before carefully asking, “would you mind if I sat with you then? I mean--it’s completely fine if you’d like to be on your own. I was just thinking that, after I put these books away, I won’t have anything else to do. So if you’d like to talk, I could talk with you?”

It seemed like a strange request, but Evan didn’t see why not. It felt like a better option than sitting around by himself and worrying about Connor.

“Sure,” Alana grinned at his answer, walking off to put away her books before quickly returning.

“So,” she sat down across the table from Evan, folding her hands in front of her. Evan shifted, the action reminded him a lot of his therapist, “what are you doing here?”

“Um, nothing really,” he look down at his lap. He liked coming to the library because usually people don't bother him here. He’d found that sitting alone by his locker was basically just asking bullies to pull him aside.

“Just eating lunch?” Evan forced a smile and nodded, “...is Connor okay? You two usually hang out at lunch, right? Zoe was saying that he was acting strange, although that could mean a variety of things. Connor is a pretty strange guy--not that I know him very well. The last time I talked to him was when we were working on an english project together a few years ago. Oh, and last weekend! Although I didn’t get to talk to you or him or Jared very much. Did you know that he is a really good artist? Connor, I mean. When we were working on our project together he was getting frustrated with the reading-portion of the assignment, because of his dyslexia, so I had agreed to write the essay while he drew the poster. It turned out very nice, I think. I’m not an art critique or anything, but he was really quite good.”

It took Evan a second to take all the information in.

“I, um, I think he’s just skipping today,” that’s what Evan hoped at least. He tried not to think about it, focusing instead on the things Alana had said about Connor. He hadn’t known Connor liked to draw, although it wasn’t really surprising. He could easily imagine Connor sitting cross legged on his bed, sketchbook in his lap and hair pulled back so it wouldn’t fall in his face.

“Okay…” Alana tapped her fingers on the desk. She looked like she wanted to say more, but the school bell cut her off.


	44. Friday October 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> expect another chapter today since this one and the next one are really short :)

Evan looked down at his arm as he walked to school, feeling self conscious.

He’d gotten his cast off yesterday and there was an awkward tan line from where the plaster had protected his skin.

Usually casts stayed on longer, but his doctor told him that he was healing fast and had let him take it off a little early as long as Evan promised not to do anything to strain himself. Technically he had a sling that he was supposed to be wearing, but he hadn’t wanted to attract any attention and thought that it would be fine it he just wore it at home.

Sighing, he rubbed his pale arm and looked to the side, mentally cursing himself out for not bringing a jacket. He didn’t mind the cold, but at least the sleeves would’ve cover his arms. He passed the Murphy house, stopping a second to wait and see if Connor would magically appear at the door--he didn’t.

Connor was… well, Evan didn’t know exactly where Connor was--but it wasn’t here. He hadn’t seen the other boy for almost two weeks, and he hadn't been responding to texts or phone calls. Jared was back in school, so at least Evan had someone to talk to, but his morning walks had become dreary.

He didn’t realize how used to Connor he was. He didn’t realize how much he’d miss him now that he was gone, or how much everything seemed to remind him of Connor.

It was the little things that bothered him the most.

He had stopped going into the fridge because Heidi had stocked it with pumpkin spice latte’s and Connor had practically been bleeding pumpkin spice latte’s ever since October rolled around. He couldn’t do homework at his desk anymore because he’d be tempted to just stare at Connor’s window in hopes that the blinds would open and he could get a glimpse of his friend (were they still friends?). He had to take the long route home to avoid walking past the orchard. He couldn’t smoke cigarettes. Not that he actually smoked cigarettes, but it was just another thing he couldn’t do because it reminded him of Connor.

At least his cast was gone. Now he didn’t have the big, bold blue letters staring him in the face as he slept.

Evan knew he shouldn’t blame himself for Connor not being around. That, rationally, he hadn’t done anything wrong. But he couldn’t help but think back to staring at the Murphy’s door, listening to the screaming from behind it, and thinking that he should’ve done _something_. He should've knocked on the door--done something to distract Larry from his fight with Connor. Or at least he should've tried to put more effort into getting in touch with Connor.

He’d thought of sneaking up to Connor’s window, or even just going up to his front door and asking his parents if he was home, but he didn’t want to bother him--especially if Connor was already upset. At least that's what Evan liked to tell himself, although deep down he knew that he'd just been to scared that Connor was avoiding  _him_ or, worse, that something bad had happened.

Connor’s car had disappeared from the Murphy’s driveway a few days after Evan had heard the fight.

What if he had gotten in a car crash?

What if he ran away?

Evan knew that Connor took meds, but he didn’t know what for--what if it was something serious? What if he had stopped taking them, or ran away and forgot them, and something bad happened?

Hadn’t Zoe said something about him being in the hospital? Was that common?

 _I should talk to Zoe today…_  


	45. Friday October 21

“Evan! Oh, woah, you got your cast off! Awesome!” Evan waved a nervous hello to Zoe. 

She sat out in the amphitheater of the school with her other friends, a group of sophomores that Evan didn’t know.  They all looked at him curiously as he approached and he felt himself freeze up under their eyes. He hadn’t been aware of exactly how big the crowd of students that ate their lunch in the amphitheater was. Were they all looking at him? Did they know he wasn’t supposed to be there? 

Maybe he should just leave and pretend he’d just gotten lost.

_ No. You need to talk to her about Connor, remember? _ He tried to focus and pushed his more negative thoughts down, noticing that Zoe was giving him a funny look. Shit, how long had he been silent? 

“H-Hey, um, well, I--I mean, I, uh,” there were so many people here and he started to feel shaky, the hair on the back of his neck stood on end and his palms started to get sweaty and  _ fuck _ . He probably looked like a chihuahua having a heatstroke.

“I’ll be right back,” Zoe, noticing his panicked state, waved off her friends and grabbed Evan’s wrist, gently leading him away from the amphitheater and to a quieter area.  There were still a few students roaming about, but Evan didn’t feel so exposed. 

He took a few shaky breaths, steadying himself.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled. Zoe shrugged, not looking bothered, and let go of his wrist, tucking her hands away in her pockets. The action was very Connor-esque. 

“It’s fine… but, uh, is something wrong?” Evan shook his head, moving his hands to his backpack straps.

“No, uh, well, it’s just that… it’s about Connor,” Zoe let out a small, tired sigh, “is… is he okay? He hasn’t been to school in awhile, and he’s not answering his phone…”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” a tight smile made it’s way onto her face, “he's just been at home for the most part. He just get’s like this, you know? I mean, he’s…” her tight smile morphed into something more bittersweet, “he’s been really good for the past few weeks--I think that’s because of you, actually. I mean, I really thought he was getting better for a bit, but this… _this_ is Connor. He gets better for a little while and then,” she looked to the side, “then he just shuts everything out. It’s not your fault, it’s just the way he is.”

There was a defeated tone in her voice and she gave Evan’s shoulder a quick squeeze before walking back to her friends.

 


	46. Saturday October 22

Evan curled up in his bed, unable to sleep.

It wasn’t that surprising, he’d always been a light sleeper and waking up a few times during the night was normal. But tonight was different. Tonight, the heavy rain outside was making it impossible to even fall asleep.

The freckled boy loved the rain when he was little--especially thunderstorms. He had his mother convinced he was scared of them and she would always stay home from work and sit in bed with him whenever one rolled around. They’d watch Disney movies (his favorite was, and still is, _The Fox and the Hound_ ) and make cookies and Heidi would even let him stay up past his bedtime--past midnight even, if the thunder was still howling.

The storm outside wasn’t a thunderstorm, but the rain was still coming down hard enough that Heidi had decided to stay with a co-worked that lived near the hospital, not wanting to risk driving on the highway in the bad weather. 

Evan turned over, facing the wall.

He'd spent the day stuck on what Zoe had said to yesterday. Was Connor really okay? Had he really just been at home the whole time? But why would he be ignoring Evan? He groaned, burying his face into his pillow. 

_It's because you're pathetic. Pathetic and selfish and he can't stand being around you. How could anyone? You should be surprised that he put up with you for as long as he did. Connor probably knows you like him--he knows and it disgusts him because you're disgusting._

He knew that this point his thoughts were bypassing logic. How would Connor even know that Evan liked him? Evan hadn't even been sure he liked Connor until after he disappeared. Well, of course he had  _liked_ Connor, but he hadn't, like,  _like_ - _liked_ him until after he had disappeared for a few days. Okay, well, technically he had liked Connor before that, but he hadn't really realized it, so Evan doubted that Connor would've been able to notice. 

He turned over again and shut his eyes tight, trying to empty his mind.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

Evan sighed angrily, trying to drown out the noise.

_Tap! Tap! Tap!_

He frowned. Something was off. Was it hailing? It seemed a little early in the year for hail. Evan thought back to that morning's news. He was almost positive that the weather report had only called for heavy rain.

_Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap!_

Evan sat up in his bed and looked towards his window. That definitely wasn’t hail.

It was almost as if--

His blue eyes snapped wide open when they spotted the shadowy form of Connor Murphy standing outside his room, finger tapping gently against the rain-splattered window panes. He had his hood pulled over his head but it was doing nothing to keep him from getting soaked.

Evan stared at him for a few minutes, shocked, before jumping out of bed and racing to the window. He tugged it open, wincing at the cold and stepping back so Connor could climb inside.


	47. Sunday October 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: angst

“What the hell, Connor!” Evan slammed the window shut, not sure which emotion to focus on.

He was relieved to finally see Connor after so long, confused as to why Connor was here, worried because Connor was probably going to die of hypothermia, and a little mad that Connor was showing up out of nowhere after basically ignoring him for two weeks.

“I’m sorry,” Connor grabbed his hand and Evan almost screamed because it was so cold.

“Oh sweet jesus you’re going to die,” he decided to let the part of him that wanted to worry take over. Evan took advantaged of the fact that Connor had grabbed his hand and was now dragging him out of his room, heading towards the hallway bathroom.

Connor followed silently.

“Sit here,” he closed the lid of the toilet seat and nearly pushed Connor onto it, “and take that hoodie off, you’re going to get yourself sick,” Evan rummaged through the cupboards and pulled out a clean towel, tossing it at Connor before jogging out of the bathroom and putting a kettle on the stove. He stopped by his room on the way back, grabbing some dry clothes.

Evan waited outside of the bathroom while Connor changed into them, trying desperately to figure out what he was going to say. What did he want to say? He didn’t have time to think it through before Connor opened the door and stared down at him with hazy, unfocused eyes.

Evan felt something in the pit of his stomach drop.

He wasn’t sober, was he?

“I’m sorry,” it was the second time Connor had said that. Without a warning he stepped forward and pulled Evan in a tight, awkward hug. He was still cold, his hair was dripping with freezing rainwater, but Evan hugged back none the less, craving contact.

He had missed Connor.

But he wanted be mad. He should to be mad. He had every right to be mad! Connor’s chest heaved heavily and Evan knew instantly he was crying.

He could be mad later.

“It’s okay,” he rested his chin on Connor’s shoulder, gently running his knuckles up and down the taller boys spine.

“I should’ve said something,” the brunet choked out, his voice sounding stuffy, “I should’ve called or--or texted, _something_. I don’t know why I didn’t--I,” his breathing was heavy and the two slumped to the floor, “it was so stupid. It was just a fucking car, I don’t…” his nails were digging almost painfully into Evan’s back, “I didn’t even like the fucking thing, it was shit… but it was mine! And he just junked it--and then he took my door again and… I don’t fucking know,” Evan was having a hard time following him.

“It’s okay…”

“No! It’s not okay!" Connor pulled back so he could look Evan in the eyes, "he threatened to take my meds away, Evan! I know I talk shit about therapy but I need it. I’m getting better! I--I think I am?” he dragged a hand through his hair, “but I can’t do it the way he wants me to. I can pop a few pills and suddenly be the model son that he wants. I’m never gonna be like Zoe. I’m never gonna have perfect grades and perfect friends and a perfect life. And even if I could do it, even if I could suddenly transform into the perfect son he wanted, it wouldn’t be enough! I can’t change everything I’ve done and he’s never gonna let it go. He’s never gonna let me live down the fact that I ruined his life!”

Connor was nearly hysterical now and Evan felt fear pulsing through his body.

He didn’t know what to do.

He wanted to hide, but he didn’t want to leave Connor--even if this wasn’t the Connor he was used to. This was a Connor who had lost control. A Connor who’d been shaken like a soda can and now the lid had finally been popped and all his pent up emotions fizzed out.

Eventually the sobs began to die down and Connor’s grip on him loosened.

“I should hate him,” his voice was softer now, tired, “I should hate him and I want to hate him but I can’t because he’s _right_. I am a fuck up and I am a faggot and his life would be so much better if I wasn’t around. If I hadn’t been born then him--then all of them, they could’ve been normal and they could’ve been happy.”

“Connor…” he pulled back and looked Connor in the eyes. There was snot dribbling from his nose and his face was red, eyes puffy with tears still falling slowly down his cheeks. Evan leaned up and touched their foreheads together, trying to find something to say.

He couldn’t.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that it’s always you who has to deal with my shit. Jesus, I have an actual therapist,” Connor chuckled dryly, “she’s the one who should be hearing this. Not you. You shouldn’t have to be burdened by all of this. It isn’t fair to you.”

“Maybe,” Evan tried to his best to smile reassuringly, “but I’m glad you’re telling me. I’m glad I’m someone you trust enough to talk to.” He leaned back and thumbed the tears away from Connor’s eyes.

Evan felt his heart skip a beat when he noticed the smile on Connor’s face. It wasn’t his usual quirked grin, but a full-blown, ear-to-ear smile.

“I missed you,” Evan felt himself melt at the words. Everything was suddenly warm. He felt light, so light that he was glad Connor’s arms were still around his waist because he was pretty sure they were the only thing keeping him from floating up off the ground.

“I missed you too.”


	48. Sunday October 23

Things were weird after that. 

A good, bubbly kind of weird. 

Evan wasn’t sure if it was Connor’s lingering high or the flushing out of all his pent up angst that had turned him clingy, but he wasn’t complaining. 

They had migrated to the kitchen, summoned by the high pitched squealing of the kettle Evan had put on the stove. Connor was hugging Evan from behind, watching over his shoulder as the other boy poured hot water into mugs and plopped in tea bags.

“One of us is going to get burnt,” Evan tried to awkwardly waddle back to the stove with Connor’s arms still wrapped tightly around him. Connor just hummed, pressing himself closer in defiance. Evan nearly dropped the kettle and shot Connor a half-hearted glare. The brunet’s eyes gleamed with mischief, but he backed away regardless and let Evan set the hot kettle safely back onto the stove.

“Thank you,” his voice was steadier now, albeit a little scratchy from the crying. Evan shrugged, tucking his hands away on the pocket of his baggy hoodie.

“It’s just tea--”

“No, I mean, thank you…” Evan looked up to find Connor’s gaze settled on softly on him. The corners of his eyes are a faint pink, a little from crying and a little from weed, but they're more focused than they were earlier. Evan can almost feel the way his heart begins to race.

“Oh,” he couldn't pull his eyes away and it takes a second for his mind to remember how to speak, “I-I… you don’t need to…” Evan found himself stumbling for something to say, and for once it isn’t because of his anxiety. 

Connor chuckles--Evan forgot how much he missed that sound--and ruffles Evan’s hair, letting his hand linger and toy with it while his other hand brings Heidi’s “World’s Best Mom” cup to his lips so he can take a sip of his tea. Evan looks down at his toes, picking his own mug off the counter and enjoying the feeling of Connor’s cold fingers running against his scalp.

They finish their tea like that and Connor pulls him into a loose hug once their done, swaying a little and resting his head on top of Evan’s.  Evan sways along with him and everything slows. 

Everything’s okay.

He doesn’t remember exactly how it happened, but at some point he tilted his head back and at some point Connor’s lips brushed against his. 

It felt unreal, like his body was moving forward without him in it. It felt stranger when he finally catches up with himself--mostly because he wasn’t anxious. He’d always expected that he’d freak out during his first kiss and screw it up. Maybe it was because it was almost 3 AM and he desperately needed sleep, or maybe it was because he was kissing Connor Murphy and not some figment of his imagination, but Evan feels calm.

When they pull apart it’s silent and Connor’s stopped swaying, instead he's looking down at Evan with wary eyes, as if he's worried that the he's done something wrong. Evan leans up again, connecting their lips more firmly this time. The kiss isn’t passionate. It’s lazy, not urgent or needy, and it is painfully obvious that neither of them know what the fuck they're doing. 

But it’s good. 

At some point Connor starts grinning against his lips and Evan can’t help but grin back and it’s making it hard to kiss so they pull apart. Connor breaks into laughter and Evan doesn’t really know why, but it’s contagious and buries his face in Connor’s neck and laughs along with him.

It’s just past 3 A.M. when they leave the kitchen, settling into Evan’s bed; emotionally exhausted but happy.


	49. Sunday October 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: anxiety attack

Connor’s still there when Evan wakes up. He’s nestled against Evan’s chest, one arm wrapped loosely around him, hair veiling his face and a few strands had made their way into Evan’s mouth. The blond frowns, plucking them out. 

_ Gross _ . 

Evan plays over the events of the previous night--or, er, that morning. He was pretty sure it happened in the morning? Connor hadn’t even showed up at his window until midnight, so it must’ve been the morning. Very early morning. 

Not that it mattered.

He started brushing locks of hair away from Connor’s face, toying with the idea of kissing him awake, but doubt began to ebb at his mind. What if last night--that morning--whenever--had been a mistake? What if Connor had still been high? Holy fuck, did he take advantage of Connor? 

_ Why else would he want to kiss you? _ Evan shut his eyes tight and could vaguely feel himself begin to tremble.  _ He was high and emotionally unstable, wasn’t he? Of course he was. No one in their right mind would want to be with you. _

“You okay?” Connor’s groggy voice broke through his thoughts. Evan’s eyes snap open and he immediately tensed.

“Yeah,” it doesn’t sound all that convincing and Connor sits up, looking intently into Evan’s eyes for a few seconds before snapping his head to the side.

“If you… we can just forget about last night, if you want. Or…” his voice sounds strained, “or I can just go…” 

Evan doesn’t move, feeling his throat lock up. He’s stuck between thinking that he never wants Connor to leave his side and Connor should just go because he deserves better than Evan’s pathetic ass. 

Maybe Connor wasn’t perfect, but he was getting better. Maybe it wasn’t in leaps and bounds, but it was happening. 

But Evan--Evan was still the same anxious, awkward, pitiful little kid he had been for the past however many years. What if it was contagious? What if Connor caught his stagnation and stopped progressing, stopped getting better. What if he held Connor back. What if he made Connor worse?

Evan stayed silent for a long time, stuck in limbo. Connor must’ve taken this as a sign that Evan wanted him to leave because he slipped off the bed, starting to walk away. 

He was leaving. 

His breathing picked up and he felt his jaw clench shut and his eyes followed suit.  _ Not now _ . He tried to reach out to Connor, tried to open his hands but they refused, staying balled into tight fists.  _ Not now.  _ It was getting hard to breath, like something heavy was pressing down on his chest.  _ Not now. Not now. Not now. _

God, he was a mess. 

Things were starting to go numb and he could barely feel it when Connor took ahold of his hand. Why was Connor still here? Evan was all sweaty and gross and disgusting and Connor should just leave.

He felt the other boy pull him into a hug. 

Evan wanted to vomit and struggled to get control of his body and away from Connor. He didn’t like being touched when this happened--it made him feel smothered and trapped. Connor didn’t let him go and Evan could feel his body start to shake. He hated the shaking, it made him feel like his brain was bouncing around inside his skull. 

“Deep breaths, Evan,” the words sounded far away but somewhere in Evan’s mind he knew he was right. He willed himself to focus on Connor’s hand, which was squeezing and relaxing along with his own breaths. 

_ In, one… two… three… four… out, one… two… three… four…  _

It took awhile before Evan could match his breathing with Connor’s, and when he finally managed it he felt exhausted and his head pounded, constricted with a headache.

Things were fuzzy around the edges. He felt exposed, vulnerable, twisting his hands into the back of Connor's shirt and waiting to see if it was over or if this was just a gap before another wave hit him.

Evan didn’t know how to explain what it was like coming out of a anxiety attack; it was kind of like he was looking at the world through wrong prescription glasses. Except they weren’t wrong enough that the world was blurry, just wrong enough that things were a little off and he had to strain his eyes to see.

“Don’t leave,” he managed to croak out, finding Connor’s presence comforting now that he was regaining control of his mind. Connor’s forehead rested against his and Evan grimaced because his forehead was probably gross and coated in sweat.

“I won’t.”


	50. Sunday October 23

Evan sat on the kitchen counter, watching Connor pour two tall glasses of orange juice. 

He looked down at the medication in his hand, feeling overwhelmingly tired. 

Rain was still coming down heavy outside and there wasn’t any sign that Heidi had returned home. Which he guessed he should be happy about, because it saved him from explaining why Connor was there, but he sort of wished she was around. 

He was used to the way she comforted him. 

Connor was trying his best--there were lots of little hugs and forehead kisses--but it wasn’t what Evan was used to. Heidi knew what Evan liked and didn’t like, she had a routine for whenever he had an anxiety attack. She would take his hand and run her fingers over his knuckles, making sure to give him his space, and she would make hot chocolate and then take him out into the backyard and they would sit on the porch and would only talk if Evan wanted too. 

But he felt too tired to explain this all to Connor. Besides, it’s not like he was about to complain about being kissed or hugged by his boyfriend… were they boyfriends? 

Evan sighed, rubbing his temples and trying to focus on something else.

“You okay?” Evan nodded, gladly taking the glass of orange juice from Connor and using it to help down his pills. “I saw pancake mix in the cabinet. Want me to make some?” Evan nodded, setting down his half-drunken glass of orange juice and slipping off the counter.

“That would be wonderful,” just speaking seemed to bring on another wave of exhaustion. He sighed again, running a hand through his hair and frowning at how greasy it felt in between his fingers. “Hey, um,” he swallowed thickly, feeling guilty, “I think I wanna take a shower… you think you can man the kitchen on your own?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Evan smiled, feeling too tired to stand on his tiptoes so he settled for leaning forward and planting a kiss on Connor’s shoulder. Connor rolled his eyes and Evan smiled sheepishly, padding away.

He turned the water on as cold as it could go, hissing as it hit him in pricks. It sent a jolt through him, making him feel more awake. 

Evan let himself drip-dry after the shower, sitting on the ledge of the bathtub after he finished getting his clothes on. He dug his phone of out of the pocket of his pajama pants and sent Heidi a text.

**Evan [2:02]** Good morning!

**Mom <3 [2:03] ** honey its 2 in the afternoon

**Evan [2:03]** Oops

**Evan [2:03]** Sorry, I woke up late

**Mom <3 [2:04] ** dont sweat it kiddo

**Mom <3 [2:04] ** is something wrong?

**Evan [2:05]** No, just checking in

**Evan [2:05]** Also Connor slept over last night

**Evan [2:05]** Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, it was sort of sudden

**Mom <3 [2:06] ** oh that’s fine! 

**Mom <3 [2:06] ** hes always welcome

**Mom <3 [2:06] ** tell him i said hi!

**Evan [2:07]** Alright mom

**Evan [2:07]** Love you <3

**Mom <3 [2:07] ** love you too honey <3

Evan smiled, deciding not to burden his mother with the details. She didn’t need to know about his freak out. He wouldn’t even know how to explain it without giving away that he and Connor were… whatever they were. 

Connor was pouring pancake mix into a pan by the time Evan had his way back to the kitchen.

“My mom says hi,” Evan still felt tired, but less so than earlier, and he could feel that his body was slowly waking itself up, “we have some blueberries in the fridge, do you… um, you wanna use those? In the pancakes, I mean.” 

Connor hummed and nodded, his eyes focused on the batter, concentrating on pouring the perfect pancake. Evan took the case of blueberries out of the fridge and walked over the stove. It was weird to see Connor cooking--he had his hair tied loosely back and wore a calm, focused look on his face. Evan's inched closer and his stomach growled at the sweet scent of pancake batter that wafted towards him. 

He hadn’t realized how hungry he was. 

They plop a few blueberries into the pancakes together and silently watch the batter bubble. Connor hesitantly reaches for Evan’s hand, slowly intertwining their fingers and uses his other hand to poke at the pancakes with a spatula. 

“Are we dating?” Evan sputters suddenly, looking down at his toes. The question had been not-so-subtly lurking in the back of his mind all morning. 

Connor’s grip on his hand tightens.

“Do you wanna be?” Evan curls his toes, not looking up. 

Does he? He thinks he does. He’s still sort of coming to terms with the fact that, yes, he likes guys (and girls) and, yes, one of the guys he likes is Connor Murphy.  But everything’s happened so fast that it makes him unsure. He’s unsure about how he feels about liking guys and unsure if he’s even ready to have a boyfriend. 

But he is sure that he likes Connor. And he's sure that being with Connor makes him happy. And that he doesn’t want Connor to leave again. 

“Yes,” it doesn’t sound confident like he wanted it to, but Connor doesn’t seem to mind.


	51. Monday October 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa really short chapter today guys + sorry for updating so late :p 
> 
> if you guys are interested i could post another chapter today ??

Walking to school the next day feels strange.

Connor had gotten a call from his mom after they ate their pancakes the previous day and gone back home, leaving Evan with a hesitant kiss at the door. His mind still had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he was dating. That he had a _boyfriend._ And that his boyfriend was _Connor Murphy_.

He smiled when he founded Connor waiting for him out front of his house, picking at his nail polish.

It felt good to have him back. 

“Did you tell your mom?” Connor spoke up after they rounded the corner of their street.

Evan shook his head, wondering if he should have. He didn’t want to have to think about telling Heidi yet. Not because he thought she’d be mad or unsupportive, but because the idea of confronting her about it just seemed like it would be a horribly awkward and uncomfortable experience. He was, no doubt, going to put it off for as long as he could.

“N-No, um, she doesn’t… she doesn’t even know I’m not straight yet,” he felt his heart leap--it was the first time he had really admitted out loud that he wasn’t straight. Still, a part of him felt like the excuse was a little lame, so he added on a, “a-and, I mean, I didn’t just want to spring it on her over the phone, so…”

Connor grabbed his hand reassuringly.

“It’s fine, it’s not like I’m in a rush to tell my parents. I mean, they already know I’m gay, so it’ll probably be less of a shock, but…” he trailed off with a shrug and Evan tightened his grip on Connor's hand. He'd gotten the impression that Connor's parents weren't the most supportive. 

“A-And, about school… I… is it okay if we…” Evan felt the wave of guilt before he had even spoken. He didn’t know how to phrase what he wanted to say, but he knew it wouldn't sound good. Pretend like they weren't dating? That sounded bad. It’s not that he didn’t want to be Connor’s boyfriend, or that he was ashamed, he just… he didn’t think he could deal with the questions or the judgement. 

“Keep it in the closet?” Evan nodded solemnly, his eyes focusing down on his shoes. He had the urge to pick at his cast before remembering it wasn’t there anymore (he wondered if Connor would think it was weird that he’d kept the cast--he didn’t have the heart to throw it away).

“I’m sorry, it’s just--”

“No, it’s alright, I get it. People give you enough shit without you being gay.”

“Well, um, bi, but it’s not like it’ll make a difference to them…” Connor squeezes his hand, letting it go when the school comes into view.


	52. Monday October 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people seemed interested so here's another chapter today :0

“Connor Murphy, please come to the office,” the staticy voice echoed through the hallway. The snack bell had just rung and Evan looked up at the nearest speaker, feeling his heart drop. Was Connor in trouble? _It’s probably about all the school he skipped_. Evan sighed, dragging his feet as he made his way to his locker where Jared was waiting for him.

He didn’t like to think about when Connor had been gone. A part of him was still upset with Connor for ignoring him for so long, but he didn’t know how to bring it up or if he even should--Connor had been hurting, hadn’t he? It was wrong for Evan to be mad at him, right?

“Wow, well aren’t you just a ray of sunshine this morning,” Jared grinned, spotting the troubled look on Evan's face as he stared at his shoes, “I thought you’d be happy now that your boyfriend’s back in town.” Evan’s head shot up, feeling himself flush when he realized that Jared was (attempting) to make fun of him and had no idea that he and Connor were actually dating.

“How’d you--” he cut himself off, about to ask how Jared knew Connor was in school before he remembered the announcement.

“What’s up?” Evan opened his locker, fumbling the combination.

“Nothing,” he replied a little too quickly. He hoped Jared wouldn’t notice. But, of course, Jared noticed.

“Evan, I’ve known you for over half your life,” his eyes narrowed behind his glasses, “wait, is someone bothering you?” Jared knew that people picked on Evan sometimes, although they’d never really talked about it, “I mean, I’m no John Cena, but I could probably get Alana to beat them up for you. Did you know she took karate? We took classes together back when I was doing that--I didn’t even remember until I was scrolling through my mom’s Facebook last weekend and saw our “graduation” picture. I was shit at it but I’m pretty sure she had a blue belt.”

Evan chuckled, an image of little Alana and little Jared taking karate together surfacing to the top of his mind.

He remembered Jared’s karate phase--it had started not long after they were introduced to each other. Evan remember getting Jared a _Karate Kid_ lunchbox as a birthday present. Jared had tried to convince him that he didn't like it, but he had brought it to school every day until their second year of middle school.

“No, um, no one’s been bothering me…” Evan closed his locker, having pulled out the books he’d needed while Jared was rambling. Jared arched an eyebrow, urging him on, “it’s, um, I…” Evan fumbled for words, eventually managing to spit out, “I kissed Connor.”

“Oh,” Jared’s voice cracked on the word and he looked sort of like he’d been punched in the gut before he shook his head and grinned, “woah, congrats dude! You two dating now?” Evan felt light on his feet and nodded a "yes", glad Jared hadn’t immediately started teasing him. “Man, I can’t believe you got a boyfriend before I did,” he nudged Evan’s shoulder.

“I know,” Evan gripped the straps of his backpack, hoping Connor didn’t mind that he was talking to Jared about this even though they’d just agreed that morning that they were going keep things on the down low at school. Jared was different.

“And, like, Connor? Okay, so maybe he’s a total edgelord, and there’s still a 50% chance he might get high and shoot up the school, but, hey, he’s hot,” Jared nudged his side, winking, and Evan turned red from the neck up.

“ _I know_ ,” Jared quirked a brow at Evan’s confidence and laughed.

“So how’d it go down? Give me the deets.”

“U-Um,” Evan didn’t know where to start. He figured Connor wouldn’t appreciate him gossiping about his issues at home, so he tried to keep things vague, twisting the truth a little, “we were hanging out and it was late, like, past midnight, and I was having trouble sleeping so we made tea and I--I don’t know,” he scratched the back of his neck, “it was sort of sudden, but sort of not? Like, I was kind of anticipating it but I didn’t think it would actually happen. A-And it definitely wasn’t Oscar worthy, but I guess that’s to be expected of a first kiss, so…”

“First kiss? Wow Evan, I’m wounded,” Evan blinked in confusion, not sure what Jared was insinuating. Jared had gone from chuckling to studying Evan’s expression, brows furrowed.

“You don’t remember, do you?” Evan shook his head, confusion doubling as Jared let out an exasperated sigh. “Oh my god, _I_ kissed you. When we were, like, 6,” he crossed his arms, turning a little pink. "It was valentines day?" Evan shook his head again, finding it strange to see Jared embarrassed, “you were crying under the slide on the playground because no one had given you a valentine's day card, and I said I’d be your valentine to get you to shut up and you said that boys couldn’t be other’s boy’s valentines and I said that was stupid and kissed you and then you freaked out and had a panic attack,” he rushed through the explanation, “you really don’t remember?”

He almost sounded disappointed.

“Sorry, I--” Jared cut him off with a wave of his hand, his usual cocky expression back on his face. The snack bell rang and Jared waited for it to stop before speaking up.

“Don’t apologize, dude. Like I said, we were 6 or whatever. It wasn’t even a real kiss,” there was a strained silence before Jared spoke up again, his eyes set on the lockers across the hall. He could barely be heard above the mass of students rushing to get to class, “hey, so, like, I know I’m no blue belt, but I’ll totally kick his ass if he hurts you, alright?”

Evan rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Alright.”


	53. Monday October 24

**Zoe [3:37]** Connor weve been over this

 **Zoe [3:37]** Buy your own fucking nail polish and stop stealing mine

Zoe glared down at her phone, then back at her desk where all her blue nail polish had mysteriously vanished. It had been forever since Connor had stolen nail polish from her, but there wasn’t anyone else in the house that could’ve done it. She highly doubted that someone would risk breaking into their house just to steal some cheap blue nail polish.

Her attention snapped back to her phone as it buzzed in her hand.

 **Tree Boy [3:39]** fuck you zozo

 **Zoe [3:40]** Evan ??? what ????

 **Tree Boy [3:43]** Ohmy god I’m sory Connor took my pone that wasnt me I swear

 **Zoe [3:43]** Tell connor to give me back my polish please

A thump came from the room next door and Zoe sighed, sitting up from her bed and walking to Connor’s room. Connor had pushed his dresser in front of his empty doorway after Larry took away his door, but the dresser was only 4 ft high and Zoe could see over it clearly.

“--that was my phone!” _When did Evan get here?_

“You were fraternizing with the enemy.” _Is Connor smiling?_ Zoe blinked in surprise. The last time she’d seen him he’d still been shutting himself off from everyone.

“My phone!” the two boys were sitting on the floor, nail polish supplies scattered around them.

“Hey, I put it in a towel before I threw it! I’m sure it’s fine,” Zoe’s gaze traveled to the wall that separated her and Connor’s room, spotting a towel slumped against it and betting that Evan’s phone was wrapped inside.

“Connor…”

“Okay, okay, if it’s damaged I’ll buy you a new one.”

“Knock, knock,” Zoe heaved herself up and over Connor’s dresser and into his room, instantly gaining the attention of the two boys who had previously been oblivious to her presence, “care to explain why you took my nail polish?”

“You can’t prove I’ve taken anything,” Zoe rolled her eyes. She could _see_ her nail polish--all four of the blue bottles were sitting neatly next to Evan. She tipped her head to the side, seeing that all the nails on Evan’s left hand were painted a bright sky-blue.

_Aaaaahh. So that’s why he took it._

“Connor, you stole these?” her brother had a sheepish look on his face, avoiding Evan’s disapproving glare.

“I may have _borrowed_ them. Stealing implies that I wasn’t planning on giving them back,” Zoe rolled her eyes again.

“It’s not borrowing if you don’t ask,” she pointed out, walking over to the two. She took three of the nail polish bottles, leaving the sky-blue that Evan was using to paint his nails because his right hand still wasn’t finished and she wasn’t going to be a dick and let him walk around with only one hand painted.

“What are you doing home this early anyway,” Connor took Evan’s right hand and tugged it a little so that the other boy would shuffle closer. He used he free hand to grab the sky-blue nail polish and began to paint the stubby nails on Evan’s right hand, “I thought you had jazz band on Tuesdays.”

“The drama club needed the audeteria for play rehearsal. The music rooms are closed off on Tuesdays, so we just ended early,” Connor nodded absentmindedly, focusing on painting Evan’s nails.

“That sucks?” Evan offered. Zoe shrugged.

“Alright, there you go Hansen,” Connor dropped Evan’s hand, leaning back and watching Evan admire his freshly painted nails. “Want me to do yours?” Zoe blinked in surprise as Connor’s gaze turned to her.

This was new.

“Okay,” Zoe said after a minute of hesitation, sitting down and looking at the bottles of blue nail polish. She decided on indigo-blue and slid the bottle of polish over to her brother, scootching a little  closer to him so that he could reach her nails.

It felt weird sitting so close to Connor when she still didn’t know how she felt about him.

She liked him when he was like this--when he was normal. It reminded her when they used to be close, of when they would stay up all night talking to each other--of when they were each other’s best friends.

But he wasn’t always like this, and it was hard to keep that in mind as he skillfully brushed coats of indigo polish over her nails.

Just last week he’d been lying on his bed, doing nothing but smoking weed and staring at the ceiling, occasionally getting up to use the bathroom or yell at Larry. It had freaked Zoe out to see him like that: he didn’t shower, barely ate, barely moved, and had a distant, hazy look in his eyes as if his body was hollow--like it was moving around without him inside it.

He barely seemed human.

But it could’ve been worse. He used to throw things and punch the walls and bang on Zoe’s door, screaming profanities through the wood. He didn’t do that anymore--even when he was high. This Connor was around more; the Connor that painted nails, took her to ice cream parlors at midnight, and was a bit of a dick when he wasn’t trying so hard to impress Evan Hansen.

She didn’t think she’d ever be able to fully forgive him for everything he’s done, but she didn’t think she was ready to shut him out of her life either. Not if he was getting better, and she was pretty sure he was?

She hoped he was.

“Hey, um,” Zoe cleared her throat, realizing she’d been zoning out, “do you guys have Halloween plans? I invited Alana to go tricker treating with me and my friends, but she doesn’t really know any of them. I thought that, if you guys were free, you could join us? Jared’s invited too, if he wants.”

“I’m game,” Connor was still focusing on painting her nails, but he managed a glance up at Evan.

“Oh, um, th-that’d be fun!” Evan smiled shakily.

“Awesome! Neither of you are allowed to go as Supergirl though--I already called dibs.”


	54. Monday October 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm a slut for evan and zoe being friends like just kill me now

“He’s not climbing out a window, Connor.” Evan stood awkwardly in between the two siblings, both with their arms crossed.

"He'll be fine--he got up here without getting himself killed, didn't he?" Connor shot back. 

“I really don’t mind…” Evan chuckled nervously as the both the Murphy siblings turned their attention to him. Zoe shot him a “shut up I’m trying to help you” glare and he ducked his head down to avoid her wrath, sending Connor a pleading look.

“Fine,” Connor sighed and sat down on his bed in defeat, “but you’re bringing him out. I’m not gonna be the one who has to explain why he’s here to Cynthia if she sees him,” Zoe sighed.  _ He’s such a baby. _

“C’mon, Evan,” she strutted over to the dresser in Connor’s doorway and climbed over, careful to avoid messing up her freshly painted nails. Evan lingered.

“Bye Connor,” Connor, who’d picked a book up off his nightstand (and was doing a very bad job of trying to hide his smile behind it), looked up.

“Bye Evan,” they continued to stare at each other without moving. 

_ Oh?  _

Zoe felt a grin sneak onto her face and let them stare at each other for a few more moments before she coughed into her hand with a smirk, gaining Evan’s attention. He went red from the neck up and quickly scrambled over Connor’s dresser, joining Zoe in the hallway. 

“So,” Zoe waited until they’d gotten halfway down the staircase--well out of Connor’s earshot--before she began talking, “what did you say to Connor?” Evan nearly tripped on the stairs. “I mean, you did say something to him, right? There’s no way he just starting acting like that,” she waved her hand back towards Connor’s room, “out of nowhere.”

“O-Oh, um,” the reached the bottom of the staircase and Evan stopped, gripping the handrail tightly. He was quiet for a few minutes, biting down on his bottom lip, before he finally spoke up, “it’s nothing really. He, um, he just came and talked to me… I don’t really know if I should be talking about it,” his words were getting rushed, “I mean it's not that I don't want to tell you or that it's bad or anything--it just that, well, I’m not sure if Connor would want me telling--”

“It’s okay,” Zoe cut him off before he could continue rambling, “I was just curious. You don’t need to tell me,” Evan nodded, taking a deep breath and looking down at his shoes. 

“Does he do that a lot?” he said after a short pause, still looking at his feet, “I-I mean the, um, the not talking to people thing. Is that normal?”

“It used to be,” Zoe sighed, “but I don’t know anymore. Maybe it’ll be different, maybe it won’t,” she shrugged, watching Evan slump a little before hesitantly adding, “but if it’s something that bothers you, you should talk with Connor about it.” She had always wanted to, but Connor used to scare her and now, even with their relationship improving, it didn’t seem like it was her place, “I’m sure he’ll listen to you.”

Evan nodded, continuing to look at his shoes. Zoe was saved forcing conversation by her mother walking into the hallway from the kitchen, eyes flashing wide in surprise when she spotted Evan.

“Zoe?” Cynthia looked to her daughter in confusion, “who's this?”

“Mom this is Evan, he lives next door,” Zoe put on a smile, trying to quickly come up with a reason as to why Evan would be in their house since Connor would probably get pissed if she told their mother the real reason. “We had a Biology project together a little while ago, remember? With Alana?” Cynthia nodded, still looking between the two in confusion, “uh, actually, he came over to lend me his Biology notes--I spilled tea on mine and we have a quiz tomorrow. He lives right next door, so…”

Zoe knew that the story wasn’t perfect, but Cynthia just smiled, seeming to buy it.

“Oh, alright, well then thank you Evan, that was sweet of you,” Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt, looking uncomfortable under Cynthia’s stare.

“O-Oh, um," he smiled weakly, "i-it was nothing, really…” Zoe flashed her mother a grin before grabbing Evan's wrist and dragging him past Cynthia before she could ask anymore questions. "Sorry about that," Evan apologized shyly once they made it safely to the porch.

"It's fine," Zoe shrugged and leaned against the doorframe, glancing behind her to make sure there wasn't anybody secretly eavesdropping on the two before speaking again, "and, hey, if you ever need someone to talk to about Connor, I'm here," she pursed her lips, feeling a little awkward, "I mean, I can't say that I'll be much help, but, if you need too talk..." Evan nodded, still not looking up at her. 

"Thanks..." he mumbled and Zoe only barley caught the relieved smile that flashed on his lips, "and, um, the same goes for you, y'know? If... if you need to talk about Connor, I'm here too," Evan was fiddling with the hem of his shirt, managing a shaky glance up before quickly dropping his gaze back down to his feet. 

"Alright tree boy, you better get back to your house before my mom catches up with us," he nodded vigorously, offering a shy wave and a quick "goodbye" before scurrying over to his house. Zoe smiled. She could see why Connor liked him so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoyoyo i'm not gonna have my computer for the rest of the week, so sadly i will not be able to update again until sunday :(
> 
> in the meantime why don't you guys tell me what you want everyone's halloween costume to be !!! there's already been some awesome suggestions,,,  
> i already wrote the halloween chapter, but i'm weak and could be convinced to do some re-writing if you guys really want to see the bois wearing certain costumes?? i don't know if i'll be able to get to changing it, since technically i'm grounded from interwebs, but either way i'd really like to hear your suggestions !!
> 
> anyway, if you're interested in that comment below or message me on my tumblr (im-heere-and-im-queere)


	55. Tuesday October 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back bby

“Jesus Evan, I thought you were trying to keep the gay thing on the down low. I know you don’t have a lot of experience with straight guys, but you do realize that most of them don’t paint their nails, right?” 

Jared grinned, cocking a hand on his hip. Evan flinched a little, even if he had only been joking. He hadn’t actually thought of that when he agreed to let Connor paint his nails--although Jared had been the only person to comment on it so far, so he hoped he’d be safe.

“My mom likes them…” he defended meekly, lowering his head again at Jared’s laugh. He probably should’ve seen that coming. 

Evan perked up as Connor approached, Alana and Zoe in tow. 

“You giving Evan shit about his nails?” Connor glared at Jared, moving protectively to Evan’s side.

“I’m just saying that they aren’t the best fashion choice if he’s trying to pass as a straight guy,” Connor tensed up and Evan shot Jared a warning look, knowing that Connor hadn’t told Zoe about them dating (although he had the sneaking suspicion that Zoe already knew). Jared caught his glare and backed down, but he still had a triumphant look on his face.

“You’re just jealous because we have cool nails are yours are naked and lame,” Zoe cut in, sticking out her hand and wiggled her fingers, showing off her nail job. Connor had used a toothpick to draw stars on top of her indigo nails in white polish. 

“You’re damn right I’m jealous!” Jared rolled his eyes jokingly, “but really, how come everyone else gets to have their nails painted?” he sighed dramatically, slumping against the lockers behind him, “at least Alana is with me. We can be the naked nail brigade.”

“Sorry Jared, but my technically my nails are painted,” Alana stuck out her hand so the group could see her glossy nails, “it’s just clear polish though,” Jared groaned, still being overdramatic, and slid to the floor with a pout.

“You’re all terrible.” Alana giggled a little at his display, earning disapproving glances from the other three.

“Don’t laugh. You’ll only encourage him,” Connor deadpanned. Jared stuck his tongue out at him, getting a flick to his forehead in return.

“Why are you two here anyway?” Jared pulled himself onto his feet and focused his attention on Alana and Zoe. They were usually off on their own at lunch, Alana in the library and Zoe with her other friends. Evan turned to look at them as well, also curious.

“Oh, I’m just here to pass out flyers,” Alana dug into her backpack and pulled out a stack of papers, shoving one into everyone’s hand, “it’s for a charity event I’m co-hosting the day after Halloween. It’s to raise money for our local animal shelter! It’s imperative this time of year--October, November, December, and January are all holiday months and with all the chaos it’s common for pets to get loose. Shelters have a hard enough time taking care of their animals on the off-months, you know, so it’s nice that we’re doing this for them--more funds means that less animals get put down! Or, at least I think so. If not, then at least the animals that don’t get killed get to live more comfortably.”

“That’s, um, nice,” Evan folded the paper neatly and tucked it into his pocket. 

“And I’m here to make sure you three are clear with the Halloween plans. We’ll be meeting up at my house at 6:30 in costume, okay? Anyway, I’m not worried about Evan and Connor, but if you two,” Zoe turned on Alana and Jared, “need a refresher on my address just shoot me a text and I’ll send it to you.”

“I already have Evan’s address memorized and you just live next door, so I’m good. Oh,” Jared grabbed onto Alana’s wrist before she could walk away with Zoe, “you live close to me, right? If you need a ride to the Halloween thing I could give you one?” 

Alana blinked in surprise before smiling widely. Evan swore caught Zoe tensing up.

“How nice of you, Jared! I’d be happy to take you up on the offer,” Jared let her wrist go and waved her and Zoe off.

“What was that about?” Connor asked suspiciously. Jared grinned, ducking his head sheepishly and scratching the back of his neck. 

“What? Don’t think I’m capable of being nice?” both Evan and Connor gave Jared a blank stare. He flinched slightly, looking down at his shoes and raising his hands defensively. “Okay, okay. I’m not big on charity events, alright? I figured she’d be less likely to guilt me into going if I did something nice for her.”


	56. Tuesday October 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> halloween chapter(s) is coming soon i promise

Jared glared at the 3D printer, already seeing that the bright pink plastic model inside wasn’t turning out the way he had planned. 

_ Fuck _ . 

This was the third time he’d tried printing this class. Mrs. Black was going to kill him when she noticed how much he was using the machine. 

Jared thumped his head against the glass screen of the 3D printer, wincing when his glasses clinked against the screen and pushed uncomfortably against his face.

“Screw you,” he whispered to the printer, pouting at it for a few more seconds before he leaned back and sighed. Maybe he should just quit robotics. It wasn’t  _ too _ late to switch electives, was it? 

He had been excited at the beginning of the year when he heard that the school was re-opening the robotics lab, but so far the only people getting to do anything fun were the people in CAD--and they were all assholes.

_ Speaking of assholes. _ Jared glared discreetly as Chrissy and her boyfriend walked passed. It’s not that Jared hated Chrissy, it’s just that Chrissy was a bitch.

“Did you see that weirdo in the hallway?” she leaned against the 3D printer next to Jared’s, pulling her phone out and staring at it while her boyfriend loomed over her. Jared tensed. 

“The antisocial headphones kid?” Jared looked back at his 3D printer, pretending to watch the model get built while he eavesdropped.

“No. The sweaty guy--I think his name’s Erin? He had a cast on awhile back,” Jared balled his hands into his pockets, knowing without a doubt that she was talking about Evan, “anyway, did you see him? He had his nails painted!” Chrissy laughed--a high, nasally noise that rung in Jared’s ears, “maybe what Marcus said about him being a fag was true! I mean, it explains why he’s always hanging around that stoner. You know, the one that smokes pot behind the gym?”

“The freaky one with the girl hair? Isn’t he Zoe Murphy’s older brother?”

“Yup--and he’s totally gay. I mean, it’s pretty obvious, right? I heard he flipped his shit once because Marcus was talking to that Erin kid. Pulled out a knife and threatened to slit his throat! Isn’t that wicked?”

“The things you do for love,” Jared felt his stomach turn at the way the couple next to him laughed.  _ Bullshit _ , he tapped his foot on the ground, wanting to march over the two and tell them to stop talking about shit they knew nothing about. “I didn’t know he still went here. I heard he got into a fight and nearly killed a guy at the beginning of the year--figured the school had expelled him by now. Either that or he he dropped out.” 

“Or got thrown into a insane asylum,” they laughed again and Jared clenched his fists tighter. 

What right did these people have to talk that way about his friends? Like they knew anything about Evan! Or Connor, for that matter! He felt a pang of guilt shoot through him as he replayed their words in his head, knowing that they were dangerously close to things he’d said himself in the past.

Sighing, Jared walked away from the printers, abandoning his half-finished model. 

He didn’t trust himself to sit and listen to the two any longer. As much as he wanted to tell off asshole Chrissy and her asshole boyfriend, he knew that he couldn’t. It wouldn’t change anything--he’d just end up dragging himself into the gossip chain, and he really didn’t need that again. He’d finally managed to climb up on the social ladder enough that he went relatively unnoticed. No more taunting, no more bullies, no more nasty rumors. It wasn’t as good as being popular, but he’d never be popular, so being left alone was fine. 

He was used to it anyway.

The bell rang and Jared scurried over to his backpack, eager to get to his next and final class of the day. 


	57. Tuesday October 25

“Save me,” Jared watched Zoe thump her face onto his desk, “my mom’s throwing a party this weekend and it’s going to be awful,” Alana ran her hand down the blonde’s back in an attempt to comfort her.

“You could, um, just n-not… go?” Evan offered, shifting in his seat.

The four were huddled in the back of their 6th period classroom, having migrated towards each other after their teacher ended the lesson early.

“No,” Zoe groaned, “I _have_ to go. Connor never shows up and mom always whines about how she needs at least one of her kids there. She’s worried that if I’m not around her friends will think I’ve turned into my brother,” she sighed, sitting back up, “which is probably right, but it’s still a hassle.”

“And you’re bitching about it to us because…?” Jared tilted a brow expectantly.

“Because if I have to suffer, you have to suffer,” Zoe stuck her tongue out at him and crossed her arms. Jared rolled his eyes and turned to Evan, deciding to change the subject.

“So, did you pick out a halloween costume yet?” Jared knew that he was probably just going to wear the same one from last year, but it was worth asking. Evan looked down at his lap, flushing pink. _Cute._

“N-No, um, I was just, uh, just…” he picked at the chipped edges of his blue nails. _Cute._

“Really? Again?” Evan bit his lip, still looking down into his lap. _Cute_.

“I-I, well, I like the costume! And it still fits… I think?” Jared forced a laugh, rolling his eyes and trying to bring his heart rate back down. His gaze settled on Alana, who was giving him a curious look.

“S-So,” Jared quickly coughed into his hand, mentally cursing at himself for stuttering, “so, ‘Lana, what are you going as?”

“Esmerelda!” the curious look on her face shifted to a more sheepish one, “or, I was going to go as Esmerelda--from The Hunchback of Notre Dame--but I tore the skirt of the dress the other day. I regret not taking a sewing course during summer school--they offered one, of course, but I took woodshop instead. Silly me, right? I had been thinking that it was something I might need to know if I wanted to volunteer for building houses--you know, for homeless people--but we don’t even do that around here. And, even if we did, I read online that you don’t actually need to know anything about construction to volunteer to build houses, so sewing would have much more practical. My grandmother knows how to sew, but, well…” her bright smile faltered for a second, “I wouldn’t want to burden her. I’ll probably just have to go to Party City and buy a new costume.”

“That’s stupid,” Jared spoke up before she had the chance to ramble on any longer, “I could just fix it for you.” The other three gave him a puzzled look, “what? They taught us how to do a basic stitch in boy scouts,” he shifted, “I mean, I’m not the best at it, but if it’s just a tear then I could fix it up for you. Can’t promise it’ll be pretty though,” he bounced his leg, feeling Zoe and Evan’s suspicious stares burn into him.

What? Was it really _that_ surprising that he offered to help Alana out? Did they really think that little of him?

“That’s nice of you, Jared,” Evan said softly.

“Yeah, well, I’m nice,” Jared spat, sending Evan a discreet glare and feeling guilt burn in his stomach when he realized the blond hadn’t meant the words sarcastically. _Of course he didn’t, idiot. He’s not you._

“That would actually be awesome,” Alana cut in, “I could bring it over this weekend, if you’d like? It would give us a chance to talk about my charity event! I didn’t get a real chance to go in depth on it anyway, I’m sure you have tons of questions,” _well, I deserved that one._ Jared could swear he caught Evan smiling and a little bit of his guilt ebbed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so it hasn't really come up yet in this fic but i headcannon both jared and evan as jewish (i'm pretty sure it's cannon too ???) but i honestly know nothing about jewish culture (i've been looking stuff up and doing some reading now that i'm writing more chapters from jared's POV, since i headcannon him being closer to his religion than evan) but if you guys are jewish/know about jewish culture then i'd really appreciate some advice !!!


	58. Saturday October 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the tree bros is strong in this chapter

Evan’s phone buzzed on the coffee table and both him and Connor, who’d been snuggled up on Evan’s couch, jumped at the noise. Connor paused the movie they were watching-- _Coraline_ \--so that Evan could answer his phone.

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [5:44]** look at my awesome skillz

 **The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman [5:44]** [lanascostume.jpeg]

“Is it your mom?” Evan shook his head, tossing his phone to the other side of the couch.

“No, it’s just Jared. It's not important--I’ll answer him later,” Evan fell back into Connor’s side, letting his head rest against the other boy’s shoulder. Heidi was working an extra shift today so he’d invited Connor over to watch movies.

Connor shifted, shrugging Evan off and moving so that his back was against the armrest. Evan frowned and tilted his head to the side, wondering if he’d done something wrong. Usually Connor liked affection--well, when they were in private, that is.

Evan turned to face the window, wondering if the brunet had pulled away because he’d forgotten to close the blinds. The windows weren’t facing the Murphy’s house, but there was still the possibility that one of the Murphy’s could walk by and see them. _No. Windows are closed,_ he frowned, biting down on his lip.

Connor noticed the anxious look on his boyfriend’s face and rolled his eyes.

“C’mere,” he reached his arms out, gently tugging Evan forward. The freckled boy hesitated, confused, before he felt himself relax, piecing together that Connor had just moved so that they could cuddle more comfortably. Evan eagerly curled up into his lap, resting his head on Connor’s chest. “You’re like a puppy,” Connor mused, pressing a quick kiss to the top of Evan’s head before starting the movie up again.

Evan leaned his head back and kissed Connor’s jaw, too lazy to reposition himself and give him an actual kiss. Connor chuckled softly, wrapping the blond in a loose hug with his eyes still focused on the small screen of his laptop (Evan was going to have to get a DVD player at some point).

Evan stared up at him for a few moments before snuggling his head in the crook of Connor’s neck, frowning when he wasn’t greeted with the familiar scent of cinnamon and cigarette smoke.

“You smell funny,” the words came out of Evan’s mouth before he really processed them.

“Gee. Thanks.” he could hear the smile in Connor voice despite the way he stiffened at the comment.

“N-No, I mean, uh, not, like, in a bad way? It’s just that--that you don’t, um, smell like you normally do…” he stumbled over the words and Connor trailed a soothing hand down his back.

“It’s fine, it’s, um,” there was a second of hesitation, “it’s probably just pot? I smoked a bit yesterday--the stench is hard to wash off.”

“Oh,” Evan wasn’t sure what to say. He knew that Connor did drugs, but it wasn’t something they talked about. A part of him had hoped that he’d stop after they got together, although he knew it was an unreasonable expectations. Addictions didn’t just go away like that.

“I’m trying to quit,” Connor spoke up after a long silence, neither of them watching the movie anymore, “or, at least stop smoking when I’m angry. Mostly I’ve just been substituting cigarettes in for joints, but, whatever works right?” he was speaking slowly, one hand wrapped tightly around Evan while the other picked at loose threads on the couch, “Dr, Rein--um, my, uh, therapist, she said she’d be able to prescribe me a stronger antidepressant if I could get off pot. I mean it’s probably just a bullshit scheme she worked out with my mom to get me clean,” he ran a hand angrily through his hair, “but I figured it’s worth a try.”

Evan blinked. Therapy was another thing they didn’t really talk about. He knew that Connor went to therapy--he’d mentioned it the night of his breakdown--but other than that it had been a subject that neither of them wanted to approach.

“That’s good,” Evan managed to get out, realizing that he’d been quiet for a little too long. He moved so that he could look Connor in the eyes, “um, I mean, that you’re trying. That’s good. I’m, um, proud…?” he frowned, knowing that probably sounded weird. He just hadn’t known what else to say, but he knew that he should say _something_ . “Sorry, that was--it’s just that drugs sort of freak me out? The, um, the illegal kind, that is--and the prescribed kind too, I guess. It took me forever to get the right prescription because I was always freaking out about the side effects--they aren’t even that bad really. They just make it hard to sleep and sometimes I get a little nauseous if I take my pill before I eat breakfast, which really isn’t all that bad--Jared tried to convince me that the meds would make my dick fall off, but that’s just stupid. Oh, but when I was on Paxil I kept getting nosebleeds--which, um, isn’t good, like, _at all_ , so if they put you on Paxil and you get a nosebleed you should really stop taking it, or, uh, I guess telling a doctor would be better, even if it’s already been a few months and you don’t really fit into the categories of people who--” his rambling was cut short by Connor’s lips pressing against his. “Sorry,” Evan mumbled as he pulled back.

“It’s alright,” Connor rolled his eyes, a smile twitching on his lips, “you’re cute when you ramble.”

“Oh,” Evan ducked his head, wincing at the way his voice cracked. Connor smirked, pulling Evan back against his chest and reaching out to rewind the movie.

“We missed, like, half of the movie,” Evan snuggled closer to his boyfriend chest, glad they didn't have to talk about drugs or therapy anymore. Not that they shouldn't talk about it--it was just weird, at least for Evan, and watching movies was preferable. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled again, nuzzling his head in the crook of Connor’s neck. Connor hummed contently in response and pulled him into a gentle hug. Evan smiled to himself, feeling safe.


	59. Saturday October 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so late in the day,,,, been hectic here and i kinda forgot to update earlier :p

“Sounds awful,” Jared commented mindlessly, focusing on stitching the tear in Alana’s costume while she rambled on about her charity event. She’d come over about half an hour ago to drop of the dress and insisted on staying while Jared patched it up.

He hadn’t actually been paying attention to what she was saying, but she sounded upset so he figured that was a reasonable response.

“I know, right!” _score._ Alana continued to rant and Jared continued to tune her out. Not that her ranting bothered him--he’d grown used to that with Evan--it’s just that he couldn’t focus on listening to her speak _and_ sew at the same time.

Besides, it wasn’t like she was talking about anything important. Just, like, dogs or some shit. Dogs were gross. And cats. And all animals with fur. Jared had always been more of a reptile kind of guy; partly because he was allergic to practically every mammal on earth and partly because reptiles were fucking awesome.

“ _Fuck_!” Jared lurched backward, having accidentally impaling the sewing needle into his thumb. He quickly pulled it out glared at it while sticking his bleeding finger into his mouth.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Alana rushed to his side.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he spoke around his thumb, feeling a little grossed out by the salty taste of blood in his mouth. After a few seconds he pulled his thumb out of his mouth and wiped the saliva off on his jeans. “It’s just a prick,” Alana was still looking him with concern, “really, I’m not gonna die--look, it’s not even bleeding anymore!” he stuck out his hand and Alana relented.

“Alright, but if you need to take a break just say so,” she stepped back, giving him some space.

“Really, it’s fine,” he rolled his eyes, although he felt something in his chest light up at her concern, “besides, I’m almost done,” Jared look down at the skirt in his lap--he only had another inch or two to stitch up. When he’d started there had been about a foot or so of rippage, stretching from just below where Alana’s knee would be to the bottom of the dress. “How’d you manage to rip this anyway?”

“Oh, um, I didn’t, actually--my cat got to it,” she rubbed the back of her neck, “I’m gonna have to get her claws clipped soon--she’s been tearing up everything. She got to my pride flag the other day,” Alana sighed angrily and Jared’s head perked up in interest.

“Pride flag?” Alana nodded, taking out her phone and scrolling through it.

“Yeah--my parents got it for me last summer. They got the lesbian one too! Not that there’s anything wrong with the gay pride flag, it’s just that the lesbian one is really pretty and you don’t see it often,” she held out her phone to Jared, “this is my cat, by the way. Her name’s Michelle!”

“I didn’t know you were gay,” he finished knotting the thread of the dress and glanced up at Alana’s phone, which was opened to a picture of a fluffy brown tabby cat.

“Well, yeah,” Alana shrugged, “I _am_ the GSA’s treasurer. Although, I guess being gay isn’t a prerequisite for being in GSA…” a wary look crossed her face, “that is… okay, right?” It took a second for Jared to understand what she meant.

“Of course!” he sputtered, almost impaling the sewing needle into his hand for a second time. He carefully set it to the side before continuing, “I mean, it’d be a bit hypocritical if I was… y'know... considering,” he shrugged, gesturing vaguely at himself, not really knowing where he’d been going with that sentence, but pretty sure he got the point across.

“You too?” Alana rocked excitedly on her heel before her expression suddenly dropped into a frown, “fuck, I owe Connor 20 bucks.”

“Holy shit,” Jared choked back laugh, “I’m not sure what’s funnier--the fact that you just cursed or that you betted _against_ me being gay.”

“Well, I mean--” she scratched the back of her neck, grinning sheepishly, “in my defense Zoe thought you were straight too?” Jared shook his head.

“I’m disappointed in both of you--and a little offended," he grinned, "also tell Connor that he has to split the money with me,” he tossed the costume in his lap to Alana, laughing as she fumbled to catch it. “Here, go try that on--and make sure not to rip it again. I’m not patching it up next time--not without a fee at least,” Alana rolled her eyes and went into his bathroom to change. He pulled out his phone, contemplating inviting Evan over before Alana called out to him from inside his bathroom

“Jared?!”

“What?!”

“Why do you have a drawer full of bathbombs?!”

“Why are you looking through my drawers?!”

“Touche!” he chuckled, looking back down at his phone. It would be weird to invite Evan over, wouldn't it? He usually only invited him over when he wanted a drinking buddy, or if he wanted someone to beat at video games (at least, that's what he'd tell Evan. He couldn't actually say "it's really fucking lonely here without my parents and you're the only person I know that can actually stomach being around me for more than 10 minutes").

"Does it look alright?" he hadn't even noticed Alana exit his bathroom, costume pulled on over her clothes.

"Oh, um, yup," he gave a double thumbs up, "you look great. 10/10. Sad I ain't straight," Alana chewed her lip and Jared rolled his eyes, "seriously, you look good. Here, look, I'll take a pic," he snapped a photo of Alana before she could object, "see?" he held his phone out to her so she could see the photo, "you can barley see where it was ripped," she nodded, looking relieved, and Jared leaned back.

"Thanks, Jared," he smiled to himself while she struggled to pull the costume back over her head.

"I know. I'm awesome," he sent Evan a quick text while Alana attempted to escape her costume.

 **Jare-Bear [5:44]** look at my awesome skillz

 **Jare-Bear [5:44]** [lanascostume.jpeg]

No immediate reply, which was a little strange because Evan almost always had his phone on him, but Jared figured that there were better things to do than sit there and be a thirsty bitch.

"Need any help?" he looked up at Alana, who was still struggling with her costume.

"Yes, please!"

"Oh. Well, sucks to be you I guess."

"Wow. Thanks.'"

"You're welcome," he snickered, watching Alana flail about for another minute before finally getting up to help her, "alright, stop moving, you're just gonna rip it again." He helped guide the dress over her head, an amused grin still on his face.

"I should probably get going," Alana sighed once she was finally free from the costume, "I have to be ready for dinner at 6:30, my parent's said they were having guests over. What time is it now?"

"Almost 6, I think. You need a ride?" she shook her head, folding her costume up.

"Nah, I'll just run over. It really isn't that far, besides, I need to get my cardio in for the week anyway--it's so hard to find time for exercise now that we don't have mandatory P.E. classes. Of course, I always took sports instead of P.E.--I was on the girl's volley ball team last year--but I had to quit to focus on my academics," she tucked the neatly folded costume under her arm.

"Ew. Exercise," Jared stuck out his tongue, walking to the door, "gross."

"Oh, come on," Alana rolled her eyes, "exercising is good for you."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm good at it--actually, nevermind, people've told me that I'm pretty good at running my mouth," he snickered, although Alana seemed less amused, "oh, c'mon, does this," he rolled his eyes, gesturing to himself, "really look like the body of someone who exercises?" Alana just shook her head with a sigh, looking a little uncomfortable. 

"Whatever, Jared," she nudged his shoulder, "I really should get going though--I'll see you Monday, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. It was fun hanging out with you," she smiled brightly and Jared looked to the side and smiled too, "now get out," Alana rolled her eyes and waved goodbye. He watched her walk down his driveway before retreating back into his house, trying to ignore how his phone still sat lifelessly in his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright guys so apparently i'm going out of town tomorrow ?? i wasn't informed until earlier today so,,, i guess updates are on hold until tuesday ??? i'll try to get in a update tomorrow morning before i leave


	60. Sunday October 30

“Connor!”

_Shit._

The brunet continued to speed walk through the crowd of over-dressed adults and equally over-dressed children. Cynthia had decided to throw one of her infamous pre-Halloween parties, and of course Connor, being her son, had been roped into attending.

Mostly because she was holding the party in their house and he hadn’t known until it was too late.

He had attempted to climb out his window and escape to Evan’s house but Larry had caught him and threatened to ground him if he left.

Now he was fleeing from the crowd, trying to find somewhere safe to hide before his mom tried to introduce him to the daughter of some random friend of hers. It was something she always did at her parties. She would say it was because she thought they’d “get along”, but Connor knew it was because she hoped that if he met a nice enough girl he’d suddenly come to the realization that he wasn’t gay and live happily-ever-after with Jennifer or Anna or whatever this poor girl’s name was. One time she had introduced him to a Zoe. That had been wrong on so many levels.

Eventually Connor stumbled into a almost-empty hallway, making a break for the first door he could find. It was a closet--fairly big and empty aside from the fact that Zoe was sitting in the corner.

“What the fuck?” Zoe glared at him, beckoning him towards her and making a shushing motion with her hands.

“Keep quiet,” she whispered, gesturing for Connor to sit down next to her. He cautiously took the invitation, not fully trusting himself to be alone with his sister without fucking up their slowly progressing relationship, but also willing to do anything to escape the hell that awaited him on the other side of the closet door.

“What are you doing here?” he lowered his voice to match Zoe’s whisper, trying to loosen the tie around his neck.

“Same as you, I’m guessing,” Zoe was tugging at the hem of her dress. It looked like Cynthia must’ve made her dress up for the party as well.

“I thought you’d be into parties,” Connor stopped struggling with his tie and just yanked it off, tossing it to the other side of the closet.

He knew his mother hosted parties often, but he was almost always able to get out of going. It's not like his parents really wanted him there anyway--he was just an embarrassment. Well, until now that is. Now that he was getting better his parents seemed to deem him worthy of showing off, as if him improving was somehow caused by them and therefor something they were allowed to be proud about.  _J_ _ust... stop thinking about them._

“I mean, I like _party_ parties," Zoe's voice tugged him back into reality, "but this,” she gestured towards the door, to the sounds of plastic laughter and “sophisticated” music playing behind it, “this isn’t my thing. It’s too…"

"Pretentious?"

"Yeah," Zoe sighed in an annoyed way, "plus mom always tries to set me up with some guy.”

“Hey," he rolled his eyes, "at least you don’t already have a boyfriend."

“Oh, and you do?” Connor smirked quietly. Zoe’s eyes widened in realization and she nudged his shoulder. “Holy shit, you have a boyfriend! Since when? Oh my god, Is it Evan?! It’s Evan, isn’t it?” Connor stifled a laugh at her excitement.

“Weren’t you just saying we should be quiet? You’re going to get us caught,” she nudged him harder and he couldn’t keep in a laugh this time, “yeah, it’s Evan.”

“I knew it!” the blonde fist-pumped the air triumphantly. Connor brought his knees to his chest, hugging them loosely as he watched Zoe do a little victory dance.

“Whatever…" as much as telling Zoe about him and Evan was a weight off his chest, Connor didn't really want to have her badger him about his relationship, "really though, mom tries to set you up with guys? Can’t you just, like, pretend to have a boyfriend? I’m sure there are tons of guys out there willing to date you, even if it's just fake,” it was Zoe’s turn to roll her eyes. Connor looked away--the action made her look too much like Larry.

“Pffft. Maybe, but there’s no way I’m not asking any of my friends to go through that hell for me. You know how mom is--I’ll tell her I have a boyfriend and then next thing you know she’s dragging him over for dinner every night and pressuring him into coming on family vacations. And don’t get me started on dad, he’d probably have a heart attack if I brought a boy home,” Connor nodded.

He knew it wouldn’t be the same for him. It was normal for her to have a boyfriend, after all. If Connor ever managed to tell his parents about Evan… well, actually he didn’t know what they’d do. Probably just ignore it.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the two for a while, Zoe being the one to break it.

“How did you know you were gay?” Connor nearly choked at his sister's question, turing to her with wide eyes.

“What?” he sputtered. Zoe was looking at the door, avoiding her brother's shocked gaze.

“Nevermind…” there was a short silence before Connor spoke up.

“Evan Peters,” he toyed with the hair band around his wrist and Zoe blinked in surprise, “I got a huge crush on his character--Tate--from American Horror Story.” Zoe laughed and Connor shoved her shoulder, “fuck off. At least my first crush was cute. You used to obsess over that guy from the _Wiggles_ ,” Zoe just laughed harder and Connor cracked a smile as well.

“Shut up! I was, like, three.”

“Why’d you wanna know anyway?” Zoe's laughter quieted down and her gaze traveled back to the door.

“I don’t know… it’s just, that…” all traces of her earlier amusement slowly slipped away and there was vulnerable look in her eyes. She bit down on her lip, her voice growing quieter, as if she was afraid the people outside of the closet could hear her, “I think I might like a girl.”

“Oh,” he wasn’t sure how to react to that, “well, looks like Zoe’s not a perfect little angel after all,” he regretted the words before he’d finished saying them. He hadn't really thought them thought--he supposed it was supposed to be a joke, but the words came out dry and he could see the hurt that flashed in his sister's eyes. 

 _Perfect_. He'd used that word to hurt her before--Zoe had visibly recoiled when he'd said it.  _Perfect Zoe_. He's called her that when he was high. High and angry and kicking at her bedroom door in the middle of the night because she was an easy target. He didn't remember exactly what he'd said, but he knew it wasn't good. He was never good to her when he was high. Fuck, was barley good to her when he was sober.

“I know I’m the “perfect” one, Connor,” she said after a long pause, fearful anger wavering in her voice for a second, “I have to be,” she sighed, leaning her head against the wall behind her and still refusing to look at Connor, “they gave up on you the second they realized you weren't going to be perfect. Well, news flash! No one's perfect," she glared at the wall across from them and Connor didn't know whether it sickened him more to see Larry or himself in his little sister, "one day they’re going to realize I’m not perfect and they’re just going to throw me aside too.”

Connor watched her get up and leave. He knew that he should go after her and apologize, but he couldn’t find the strength to pull himself to his feet and just slumped further into the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor has an evan kink confirmed sorry not sorry


	61. Sunday October 30

Connor spent the rest of the party sitting in the corner of the closet, picking at his nail polish. 

He wanted to find Zoe and apologize. 

Well, what he really wanted was to do was get high, but he was committed to getting clean and he knew if he left the closet the urge to retreat to his room and smoke a joint would be too tempting. 

So he stayed plastered to the floor, pushing himself into a corner because without Zoe there the music from outside seemed to grow louder and louder. The laughter and voices grew shrill, ringing in Connor’s ears. It was like he was listening to the party outside on full blast through ear buds and it made his head pound. Half of him wanted to burst out of the closet and tell everyone to shut up while the other half wanted to curl up and sleep. He gave into the latter, slumping against the floor and pulling his knees to his chest.

When Connor woke up the music and voices and laughter were gone. He still had a faint headache, and his side was sore from sleeping on the ground, but at least the party was over. Slowly, Connor got to his feet and left the closet, heading to the kitchen and getting himself a glass of water. 

The clock on the microwave read 1:37 AM. 

_ She’s probably asleep,  _ he looked towards the staircase, debating on whether he should try and apologize now. 

He didn’t think that he should. He didn’t think he deserved to be forgiven. He hadn’t deserved it the first time. It had been selfish of him to apologize--to seek forgiveness when he knew he didn’t deserve it. 

_ Selfish brat,  _ the words echoed in his head. He’d heard Larry say them a million times. Never to his face, of course. When Connor was twelve he’d taken up the habit of sitting outside his parents bedroom after they fought, listening to what they said about him. “Selfish”, “deadbeat”, “lost cause”, “deadbeat”, and “fag” were Larry’s favorites. 

Connor wished he could be mad about it, wished Larry would just say the words to his face because then maybe someone else, someone who didn’t think the words were true, maybe they could be mad for him. 

Lost in thought, Connor made his way to Zoe’s door, standing in front of it for a good ten minutes before finally working up the courage to knock. He heard the rustle of sheets and frantic footsteps on wood and a loud thump against the door, as if someone had thrown themselves against it. He could see the doorknob twitch as Zoe fumbled with it on the other side and instead of the door swinging open the lock clicked.

Connor looked at the door for a long time, feeling sick. That was  _ his _ fault. 

“Zoe?”

“Leave me alone,” she sounded scared.  _ You scare her. _

“Zoe?” he tried again, more desperate, and was met with silence, “I’m sorry about earlier,” he leaned his forehead against the door, nails digging into his palms, “I was being a dick. I, uh... ” he took a deep breath, figuring that this was probably doing more harm than good, “I’ll just… go to my room now. Sorry about waking you--” Zoe’s doorknob clicked, unlocking, and she cracked open the door half an inch.

“Your sober?” Connor stared at her. Hair matted from sleep, gray eyes narrowed warily, brows knotted. She reminded him of himself in that moment. It was a scary thought. No one should ever be like him.

“Yeah,” he choked out, stepping back from the door. She inched it open a little more, keeping her hand gripped so tightly on the doorknob that her knuckles turned white. He stared at her hands for a long time before speaking up, “I’m a shitty big brother.”

“Yeah,” Zoe snorted, relaxing a little, “yeah, you are,” they held eye contact for a second before looking away. “I overreacted earlier,” Zoe said, finally letting go of the doorknob, “what you said, it wasn’t even… it just hit a nerve, you know?”

“I get it,” Connor scratched the back of his neck, “I’m still sorry though. About, well,” he gestured vaguely, “everything.”

“You’ve already apologized for that,” Zoe reminded with a tired smile.

“Yeah, but… I probably still need to. I’ve fucked up a lot--one apology isn’t gonna over it.”

“No apology is gonna cover it, Connor.”

“Then…” he sighed in frustration, “I don’t know… how am I… how am I supposed to fix things?”  It felt wrong to be asking her that. He was her big brother. He shouldn’t be asking her for answers.

“Time, I guess?” Zoe shrugged, “we’ll figure it out.”

“We?” Connor watched Zoe roll her eyes and smile.

“If you're willing to try and make things better, then I am too. It’s not like I’ve been the best sister either, Connor... I could've, I don't know, tried to help more?"

"I didn't really deserve help," Connor chimed in softly.

"Of course you did, dumbass. You may have been..." _a monster_ , "out of control sometimes, but that didn't mean you didn't deserve help--that you don't deserve help now. It just... it took me awhile to understand that," she ran a hand through her hair, frowning when her fingers got stuck on a knot, "I still don't think I really get it--why you act..." he could tell she was biting back the word crazy, "why you act the way you do, sometimes. But I'm trying to understand. And I know that you're trying too--to get better, I mean. I can see that you're trying to stop being..."

"A dickhead?" they both chuckled.

"You'll always be a dickhead," Zoe poked him stomach, and Connor flinched back, clutching his arms around his sensitive stomach and wondering if Zoe remembered that he was ticklish there. The mischievous glint in her eyes told him she did. "But at least you're a tolerable one," she yawned and Connor realized that it was probably well passed 2 AM by now.

"I should let you get to bed," he shoved his hands in his pockets, frowning when he realized he was still dressed up the stupid formal attire Larry had forced upon him.

"Alright. You get some sleep too--we got school tomorrow. Or, er, today, I guess."

"Ugg, whatever mom," Connor snickered as Zoe kicked him softly.

"Just get to bed, dickhead. And take a shower too, you smell like shit," Connor flicked her forehead before walking off towards his (still doorless) bedroom.

"Whatever."

"'Night Connor," Zoe called after him. 

"'Night Zozo."

 


	62. Monday October 31

Connor glared at himself in his cracked mirror, pulling down on the hem of his jacket. He had procrastinated getting an real costume, but he'd managed to drag an old Spiderman jacket (the kind that zipped up all the way through the hood) out of the bottom of his dresser at the last minute. 

He was pretty sure Cynthia had gotten it for him a few years age. He'd been out of his Spiderman phase for years by then, but he hadn't wanted to just toss it. By now the jacket was too short on him, rising up just above his belly button.

"Connor! Get your ass down here!" Zoe's voice echoed through the house. Connor groaned, pulling at the hem of his jacket again only for it to snap back up.  _Fuck it._ He raced down the stairs.

"What do you want?" Connor cocked a hand on his hip. Zoe was decked in a cheap Supergirl costume, staring intently down at her phone while Alana, who was dressed up as a gypsy or something, stood awkwardly at her side.

"We're leaving soon--just wanted to make sure you were ready," he rolled his eyes, looking for Jared.

"Is Kleinman here too?" Connor turned his gaze on Alana, who was pulling at the collar of her dress, looking uncomfortable without sleeves covering her shoulders, "he brought you, right?"

"Aww, miss me Murphy?" Jared peeked his head through the doorway before Alana could answer, voice muffled by his clunky Darth Vader mask. He snorted when he spotted Connor, pulling his helmet up so that he could he could see better,  “well, don’t you just look  _ adorable _ ! Is that your actual costume?"

“Fuck off, Kleinman,” Jared stuck his tongue out and disappeared out the doorway and onto the front porch, Connor trailing after him. Jared's cape flowed behind him and Connor noted that his costume looked a little too good to be store bought.  _I wonder if he made it himself?_ From what Evan had told him about Jared's parents, Connor got the impression that they weren't the costume-making type. Or really the parenting-type.

"Love the belly button ring, by the way. Think I saw a stripper with a matching one once."

"Pffft," he flicked Jared's forehead, smirking as the short brunet flinched back and scrunched his nose up, "like you've ever been to a strip club."

"You'd be surprised what my dad considers father-son bonding," he chuckled dryly,  eyes lighting up when he spotted Evan scurrying out of his house. He was nervously clutching a plastic blue lightsaber, eyes focused on the ground as he approached the Murphy’s porch.  _ I guess Jared wasn’t lying when he said Evan dresses up as Luke Skywalker every year.  _ The costume looked just a tad too small for him. Not that Connor was complaining. 

“Oh,  _ Luuuuuke _ !” Jared had shoved on his helmet and was walked towards Evan with outstretched arms, “give Dark Daddy a hug!” Evan looked up with wide eyes, rolling them when he spotted Jared in his costume.

“Jared no,” Jared only picked up his speed  and Evan's thinly veiled amusement was replaced with slight worry, "Jared? C'mon, I'm not gonna--" he backed up and Jared laughed maniacally. Within moments Evan was being chased around the Murphy’s front lawn. Connor was tempted to swoop in and save his boyfriend, but watching him suffer seemed like more fun.

Besides, there was a wide grin on Evan's face, so Connor was sure he wasn't _too_ upset. 

After ten minutes or so Zoe, Alana, and a boy who Connor assumed was Jake, exited the house and swooped in to rescue Evan.

“Boo,” Jared crossed his arms, looking a little out-of-breath while Alana stood protectively between him and Connor's boyfriend, "you're no fun." He was probably pouting underneath his helmet. 

"Shut up Jared," Zoe knocked on his helmet and Jared whined, "now c'mon, we're heading out!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaahhh sorry i updated so late today,,, couldn't get into the hotel's wifi >:0
> 
> ((also sorry for it being short,,, not getting a lot of time to write this week :(


	63. Monday October 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last update of the week !! sorry its so late in the day again,,, i'll be back home on next week so updates will be back to normal when i update on monday :)
> 
> ((i'll also reply too all of your wonderful comments then,,, u guys are so sweet aaaaaa i miss responding :(

“Aren’t you all a little old to be trick-or-treating?” a tight-lipped woman said, cocking a hand on her hip and looking disapprovingly at the group of teenagers as they stood on her doorstep. 

This was the fourth time in the past hour that they had gotten that. Evan frowned. 

“Sorry ma’am,” Zoe slipped to the front of the crowd, gripping Jared’s hand tightly, “it’s just that all of my little brother’s friends got the flu and couldn’t go trick-or-treating with him,” she looked fondly at Jared, who could probably pass for a middle schooler with his face hidden by the clunky Darth Vader mask, “we weren’t going to go this year, but we couldn’t just let him wander around by himself, y’know? And all the candy we get will go to his friends, of course.”

“Oh,” the woman looked embarrassed, holding out a bowl of candy towards the group and smiling, “well, in that case, take as much as you want.” 

The group of teens stuffed their bags, waving a goodbye to the lady as the left.

“You’re a genius, Zo,” Jared took off his mask and looked happyily into his nearly-stuffed pillow case. Evan looked down at his own plastic jack-o-lantern that was already filled to the brim with candy. 

“Getting tired of lugging that around,” Connor slipped a hand around his waist and Evan felt sparks run up his spine, “I could carry it for you?” Connor hadn’t brought a bag of his own, claiming that he didn’t want candy from strangers. Which was reasonable, Evan didn’t know if he’d be able to eat his Halloween candy after hearing Alana talk about how some people had slipped razor blades and thumb tacks into some poor child’s candy last Halloween. 

“No, I’m good,” Evan looked around anxiously, making sure no one was watching before leaning up and planting a kiss on Connor’s cheek, “but thanks for the offer.” The brunet gave a high-pitched “mhmm” and Evan held back a laugh, happy that he was able to pull a reaction like that from his boyfriend. 

His laughter died down when he spotted a little girl sitting on the curb across the street from them. She was dressed as a princess and had tears streaming down her cheeks. 

Evan bit his lip, looking between her and Connor before slipping away from the taller boy and approaching the child warily.

“H-Hi,”  _ she’s just a kid. Calm down.  _ The girl looked up at him with fearful eyes and Evan felt himself begin to panic. 

He looked back at the group, who didn’t seem to notice his absence (other than Connor, who was looking at the little kid uncomfortably, as if he was more afraid of going near her than Evan was). 

Eventually Evan’s eyes caught on Jared's (or, well, where Jared's eyes were behind his mask). It looked like he'd also spotted the little girl because he began to stride over, taking his helmet off and tucking it under one arm. He shoved his helmet and bag of candy into Evan’s hands, pushing him gently to the side so he could talk with the girl. 

Evan sighed in relief. It wasn't that he didn't like children, it's just that he'd never been very good with little kids. He never knew what to talk about, or if there were things he had to avoid talking about because their parents would get upset, or if he should even talk to them at all because it was probably creepy for him to talk to little kids, wasn't it?

“Hey there, princess,” Jared plopped onto the ground so that he was eye-level with the girl, a toothy smile on his face, "why are you crying?" Evan shuffled back to give Jared and the kid some space, trying hard to balance everything he was carrying. He looked over his shoulder, spotting Connor hesitantly walking towards him while the rest of the group, who had only just noticed their absence, followed.

“I-I-I can’t find m-my mommy!” the little girl wailed. Connor wordlessly took a few things out of Evan’s hands so that he wouldn’t topple over. 

“Shhhh--hey, look at me princess,” Evan blinked at the gentleness in Jared’s voice.  _ Since when is Jared good with kids? _ The little girl continued to sniffle but looked up at Jared, wiping her face on her sleeve, “you’re going to be okay, okay? My name’s Jared and these are my friends,” he gestured towards the group, “we’re gonna help you find your mom, right?”

He looked over his shoulder, glaring at the group of teenagers, as if he was challenging any of them to say no. 

“Of course we will!” Alana hopped forward and the rest of the group nodded in agreement.

“See, we’ll find your mom in no time!” Jared offered his hand to the little girl and she took it happily. “Now, what’s your name?”

“Peggy,” the girl spoke shyly, brandishing a bright smile.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Princess Peggy! Now, c’mon, let’s go find your mom!”


	64. Monday October 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tfw u spend the whole day laying in bed watching your ceiling fan and forget to update

~~~~ It’s didn’t take too long to find Peggy’s mom, maybe thirty minutes or so. 

Alana had been quick to take charge of the situation, splitting everyone into groups while Jared put his energy into keeping Peggy distracted, telling her stories from when he’d been at camp that summer. Evan had been paired with Connor, but the two had gotten separated when the group made their way to the more crowded streets. 

Evan had been looking for his boyfriend when he'd heard a woman--Peggy's mother--scream ecstatically. She'd apparently seen Peggy, who'd been perched happily atop Jared's shoulders, and started sobbing in relief at seeing her daughter safe. Evan had been across the street from the them when it happened; the woman was still crying by the time he made it over there.

Evan stood awkwardly next to Alana, who had been Jared's buddy, watching as he awkwardly tried to comfort the sobbing woman. 

"It's, uh, alright ma'am," he patted her shoulder stiffly, looking to Evan for help and rolling his eyes when Evan looked down to his shoes. Alana, catching Jared’s discomfort, gently pulled the crying woman out of his arms.

“We’re so glad we could be of help,” Alana put a comforting arm around the woman's shoulder while Jared got to his knees so Peggy could dismount from his shoulders. The little girl looked reluctant to leave Jared, but her mother was quick to swoop her into a hug, babbling about how she was usually more attentive and how it had been hard to keep track of Peggy with her other daughters running a muck. "Of course, of course. We understand completely, miss," Alana said soothingly while two other girls, presumably Peggy's sisters, peeked out from behind their mother to look at Jared curiously. They looked only a little older than Peggy, both wearing matching princess dresses. Peggy wiggled excitedly out of her mother's arms and grabbed Jared's hand, tugging him over to her sisters.

"This is Jared!" she grinned proudly, "he's my friend and he's in high school _and_  he can control the weather!"

"Nu-uh!" one of Peggy's sister's retorted, crossing her arms and looking at Jared skeptically. Peggy's other sister was looking at him with wide, incredulous eyes.

"'Course I can," Jared beamed proudly, getting down on one knee so he could talk to the kids easier, "see, they taught me how to do it at summer camp--" Evan's attention was pulled away from the conversation by a cold hand grabbing his wrist. He jumped, spinning on his heels and figuring it must be Connor.

“Jesus Connor, don’t do--oh,” he blinked when he came face-to-face with Zoe, “sorry, Zoe, I thought you were… yeah,” Zoe cut him off with a nod, tugging him gently off the road and onto the sidewalk.

“Sorry, it's just,” she gestured to the side, pointing a car that was slowly coming down the street. 

"Oh," Evan said dumbly, realizing he'd been standing in the middle of the road, staring at Jared. He felt a little heat creep up his neck. He really needed to learn to pay more attention. "Right. Right. Sorry--I didn't even... yeah," he scratched the back of his neck and Zoe nodded with a shrug, turning her attention to where Peggy and her mom were. Jared was talking animatedly to the three girls, explaining some weird spell he'd learned at camp to change the weather, while Alana and Peggy's mother looked down at him in amusement. The two teens stared at them for a few minutes before Zoe decided speak up.

"Do you think--" the blonde's voice was unreadable and Evan turned to her in confusion, "...nevermind."

“Is something wrong?” Evan asked, playing with the switch on his blue lightsaber. It had broken years ago, but he couldn’t bear to throw the toy away.

“Oh, um,” Zoe was chewing on her lip, “it’s, well, it’s nothing, really. I’m, uh,” she cleared her throat, tossing Evan an anxious look before looking away. Evan was only vaguely aware of the rest of the people that were trick-or-treating with (basically just Zoe's friends) regrouping around them. “Sorry, but," she looked around warily, lowering her voice, "well, do you think Alana is…? Do you think that, maybe, Jared and Alana are...?"

Evan blinked, taking a second to register what Zoe had said, then blinked again.

What?

“What?!” Evan sputtered when he finally realized what Zoe meant, looking at her with wide eyes, “you--you mean like," he flailed his hands, lowering his voice when he realized a few people were looking at him funny, "like _together_?" Zoe nodded, still chewing on her lip, and Evan shook his head vigorously, "no!" He winced, reminding himself again to keep his voice down. Still he couldn't help but feel a little panicked, "no, no,  _ no _ , of course not, Jared’s--” he stopped himself, licking his lips and trying to come up with a quick answer because he hadn't actually thought through was he was going to say. 

Jared's never going to date anyone were the words that had come to mind, but he knew that wasn't true. Of course Jared was going to date someone eventually _._ The idea rubbed Evan the wrong way. He'd never actually thought of Jared dating people before--it was a weird thought. Jared was, well... he was  _Jared_. Evan frowned, not too sure what that meant. It wasn't a bad thing, of course. Evan liked Jared. Despite being a little bit of an asshole he'd always been there for Evan when he needed it. 

Zoe was giving Evan a strange look and the blond realized he must've been quiet for just a little too long. “Jared, he, um, he… he likes someone else.”  Not the best save, but look like it worked well enough. Zoe sighed, seeming almost… relieved? Evan shuffled his feet, not sure what else to say.

“Why’d you wanna know?” he asked the question mindlessly, surprised when Zoe immediately tensed up, eyes widening in panic.

“No reason!” she gave a tight smile and abruptly walked away, leaving a very confused Evan behind her.


	65. Monday October 31

Evan wormed his way towards Jared (who was waving goodbye to Peggy and her family), still a little confused about what had happened with Zoe, but deciding he had better things to fret over. Like where his boyfriend had run off too. Almost all everyone had regrouped and Connor was still nowhere to be found. Evan knew that Connor was more than capable of taking care of himself, but he still couldn't suppress the worry that bubbled in his stomach.

"Have you seen Connor anywhere?" Evan tugged on Jared's sleeve to get his attention. 

“Nope,” Jared popped the “p”, hands shoved into the pockets of his costume, "you better not have lost him--he still has my candy y'know."

“Oh... sorry..." Evan looked down at his shoes, frowning softly. Jared sighed, easily picking up on his friend’s worry.

“Have you checked your phone? I doubt he’d just disappear,” Evan instantly perked up.

“Phone? Phone! Right!” he shoved his hand into his plastic jack-o-lantern, searching around for his phone and mentally scolding himself for not thinking to check it first, “thanks Jared,” he sighed in relief, seeing that Connor had sent him a few texts.

"Sure thing scatterbrain--make sure he hasn't eaten all my candy, alright?" 

**Connor <3 [9:14] ** lost track of the group

**Connor <3 [9:20] ** i’m just gonna head home, tell jared his candy’s at my place

**Connor <3 [9:20] ** <3

“Awww, well aren’t you two just the cutest,” Jared drawled, resting his chin on Evan's shoulder, very obviously reading the texts that Connor had sent. Evan blushed and almost dropped his phone.

“Shut up,” he shot Jared a glare for reading over his shoulder, protectively holding his phone to his chest and slowly shrugging the other boy off him. Jared just chuckled in response, stepping back to give Evan some room.

“Whatever," he rolled his eyes, "you should go find Hot Topic--"

"You've already called him that," Evan cut in, a hint of smugness in his voice.

"Hey! Give me a break, I've only got so much material stocked up," he nudged Evan's shoulder before continuing, "anyway, as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me, you should go find your fucktoy and--"

"Jared!" Evan shrieked indignantly and Jared burst out laughing, "he's not--I--he--oh my god--we--I'd _never_ \--...you know what fuck you." Evan crossed his arms defensively, going red from the neck up while Jared almost doubled over in laughter.

"Y-You're so easy," Jared stammered out as his laughing fit died down, a wide grin still plastered onto his face. Evan rolled his eyes, still a little embarrassed, "you really should go find Connor though. He's probably moping around being emo somewhere without you."

“I… actually, yeah," Evan scratched the back of his neck, smiling sheepishly, "I think I’m gonna go back to his house and check on him,” his candy basket was full anyway, so there wasn’t much of a reason to stick around. Except to maybe make sure Jared didn’t try and get the group to TP someone’s house.

“Alright, tell loverboy I said hi. I’m gonna stick with the group for a little longer,” Evan contemplated asking Jared if he’d want to hang out with him and Connor, but thought that it might be a little awkward and bit back the offer. Jared seemed to notice his apprehension and carefully added, “you know the way back to Zoe’s, right? I can, uh, walk back with you if you want?”

"Yeah, um, I can get back on my own," Evan said after taking a second to think about the route back. He sometimes got disoriented in crowds, but they weren't too far from the Murphy's place and he was confident in his ability to get back on his own. Still, he was glad, as well as a little surprised, that Jared had asked. 

"Alright, Ev. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Jared mused, tousling Evan's hair playfully.  Evan nodded, starting to head back before biting his lip and turning to tug on Jared’s cape before he could walk away.

“Hey, um,” Jared blinked, giving him a confused look, “what you did earlier--helping out that little girl. That was pretty cool.”

“Oh,” Jared stared at him for a few seconds before breaking into a wide grin, “yeah, it was cool, wasn’t it?  _ Insanely _  cool!” Evan rolled his eyes and waved Jared off, only slightly regretting that he’d given in to stroking the other boy’s ego.


	66. Monday October 31

“Evan!” 

The freckled boy tilted his head back, confused for a second before spotting Connor waving at him from the roof of his house. 

“Oh my god,” he whispered under his breath, shaking his head. He was amused for a second before realizing that he should probably be terrified because Connor was sitting on top of a two-story high building with nothing to keep him from falling over the edge.  _Oh dear lord he's going to get himself killed._

How had he even managed to get up there? 

Evan's question was quickly answered as Connor pointed to the side of house, where his tree was (well, technically wasn't actually Connor's tree, but it sat outside of Connor's window, so Evan had always thought of it as his tree). Connor kept point and Evan quickly figured out that he must've used to the tree to climb up onto the roof. A little apprehensive, Evan dropped off his candy and lightsaber on the Murphy’s porch and made his way over to the tall pine tree. 

It was a lot easier to climb it without a cast on one hand--it only took him a few minutes to get up onto to the roof. Not that he wanted to think about being a roof, where he could easily slip off and plummet to his death. 

Evan took a deep breath and focused on Connor. He was laying down the roof, hands folded behind his head, jacket ridding up and showing off his stomach. Evan averted his gaze, feeling a blush crawl up onto his face as he inched closer and closer to the other boy.

“Why’d you leave?” Evan asked, sitting down next to his boyfriend. _His_ _boyfriend._ Just thinking that still made him giddy. Connor shrugged, leaning up and throwing an arm around Evan’s shoulder, placing a lazy kiss just below his ear.

“I’m not a big fan of Halloween--all the noise was starting to get to me,” Evan nodded, resting his forehead against Connor’s. 

He could see why Connor liked it up here. It was quite, free from prying eyes, and there was a gentle autumn breeze that smelled faintly of candle wax (likely from all the jack-o-lanterns). 

“You ever find that girl’s mom?” 

“Yeah--she seemed nice. She was dressed up Storm,” Connor blinked, “Storm? From X-men?” He still looked confused, “it’s a--nevermind. Jared has all the movies, we should watch them sometime. T hey’re a good series once you get past the fact that it’s Wolverine-centric, that is. Not that Wolverine isn’t a good character--I used to really like him when I was a kid--it’s just that not every movie has to be--oh, ah, sorry…” 

Evan cut himself off before he could ramble anymore, catching Connor’s amused stare. He felt his face grow hot and he tugged at the collar of his costume. He really needed to get a new one--maybe a different character this time?

“I can’t believe I’m dating a comic book nerd,” the brunet was hiding a smile.

“I’m not--I don’t even read the comics,” Connor cocked a brow, smiling in an almost accusing way, and Evan squirmed, "...well, I mean... not anymore." Connor just smiled wider and Evan frowned, "oh shut it--I know that you've got comic books too--I've seen them on your bookshelf! And--I--you're even wearing a Spiderman costume right now, so..." Connor was laughing now and Evan indignance fizzled out.

"You're cute," Evan whined in protest.

“And _you’re_ mean,” he nudged the taller boy, “anyway, I basically left after they found Peggy’s mom, so you didn’t really miss much--oh, but, well..." Evan's brows furrowed with uncertainty, "I think Zoe might have a crush on Jared,” Connor gave him a very, very confused look. “It’s just that she was talking to me, a-and she was acting all weird--and then she asked me if she thought Jared and Alana were, like, _dating_ and--I don’t know? What else could it be?”

Connor tried to hold a straight face but quickly broke into a fit of laughter.

“What?” Connor just laughed louder and Evan found it hard to be annoyed because he looked gorgeous when he laughed. Actually he looked gorgeous all the time, everyday, and it was infuriating. But he was just _more_ gorgeous when he laughed because he had  _dimples_ and the corner of his eyes would crease and he would shake a bit with each laugh and even, god, even his _laugh_ was gorgeous--and Evan didn't even like people's laughs most of the time. But Connor's was nasally and a little childlike and Evan was in love with it. “Oh, c’mon, Jared isn’t _that_ bad,” Evan tried to reason after snapping out of the short daze his boyfriend had left him in. 

“Okay," Connor rolled his eyes, grinning and grabbing onto Evan's arm to keep himself steady, "fine, Jared isn’t  _ that _ bad,” but there was still an mischievous glint in his eyes, and Evan doubted that he really believed him.


	67. Tuesday November 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaa sorry for not updating in forever

“I thought _I_ was supposed to be the gay one,” Connor snorted, looking down at Jared. The shorter boy had a hand cocked on his hip and was glaring up at Connor, sticking out his tongue. Evan stood awkwardly between the two, eyes fixated on Jared's nails.

“You’re just jealous because my nails are prettier than yours,” apparently while Evan and Connor had been stargazing on the Murphy’s roof, Jared had managed to convince Alana and Zoe to paint his nails. He hadn’t been able to pick a single color (at least that was his story) so the girls had painted his nails rainbow colors.

“I think your nails look nice,” Evan piped up. Jared grinned triumphantly and Connor shot his boyfriend a half-pout half-glare.

“Traitor,” Connor’s hand brushed against his and Evan felt himself light up despite the fact that he jerked his hand away. He wanted to hold Connor’s hand, but there were so many other people in the hallway. Evan frowned, looking at his shoes and feeling a little mad at himself. Connor didn’t look upset though, he just wordlessly put his hands in his pockets and offered Evan an apologetic half-smile.

“Of course they look nice," Zoe popped up out of nowhere and Evan had a mini heart attack at her sudden appearance, " _I_ did them after all."

"She did mine too!" Alana, who was standing at Zoe's side with a stack of papers clutched to her chest, piped up, showing off her yellow nails that had little cat faces painted on the thumbs.

"You should let me do yours," Zoe turned on Connor, grabbing his hand and glaring down at the chipped black polish that coated his nails, "I have, like, every color under the sun and you only ever wear black. I mean, that _has_ to get boring after awhile."

"Hey," Connor yanked his hand back, "I like black. It's a good color."

"Edgy," Jared chimed in with a grin, gaining another eye-roll and a small, flicker of a smile from Connor. “Why are you two here anyway?” Jared turned on the girl's, eyes narrowing curiously, "not that I'm not ecstatic to see you, of course," he drawled.

“Flyer duty!” Alana answered with a surprising cheerfulness, starting to hand out flyers to each one of the boys, “they’re for jazz band! They're going to be doing a performance the day before Thanksgiving Break! Isn’t that neat? I made these flyers myself once Zoe told me. Of course, jazz band will be making their own posters as well--they’ll be up in a few weeks, and I’m sure they’ll be better than mine--I only spent a few hours on these--but I thought it might be nice to get the word out early, you know? That way people can save the date as soon as possible,” Zoe wrung her hands, a light blush dusting her face.

“You guys don’t have to come if you don't want to. It’s, uh, it's not gonna be big or anything--just a few songs. Most of our more experienced musicians graduated last year and the event's only going to be for an hour or two and we're not even going to be playing the whole time,” despite her words there was a proud smile on Zoe’s face.

“I’m in,” Zoe’s attention snapped to Connor, who shifted a little uncomfortably under her gaze, "I--uh, I've never actually heard you perform before so..."

"Really?" Zoe bit down on her bottom lip to keep from smiling and Connor shrugged, shifting closer to Evan and avoiding his sister's eyes. Steeling his nerve, Evan discreetly reached out and brushed his hand against Connor's. The tall teen looked down at him in surprise before quickly grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers.

“I’ll go too,” Evan added quietly, trying to keep himself from blushing because he was almost positive that his face went an abnormally dark shade of red when he blushed and that would draw even more attention to him than the hand holding--although, weirdly enough, no one seemed to notice the hand holding, which made Evan feel kind of stupid because he'd been so worried about it earlier and no one even noticed (or if they had, it didn't seem to bother them). _Of course. Of course they don't care. It's no big deal. Calm down._ He took a breath, inching closer to his boyfriend and feeling a little wave of relief wash over him.

“I think I can make it,” Jared piped up, “oh, and, Alana, while I’ve got you here, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to go to that charity-thingy tonight,” Evan froze, having completely forgotten about the charity event he was pretty sure he'd promised to go to, “I got this thing with my mom and--”

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Alana cut Jared off before he could explain, her bright demeanor suddenly dropping as she pulled at the hem of her skirt, “I--well, I guess you must’ve not gotten the email? The event got canceled last minute. We couldn’t get enough volunteers to commit to coming--it’s been rescheduled though, so it’s going to happen! Just not for another week or so...” despite her smile Alana was clearly ashamed, her eyes focusing on the ground, as if she was afraid her friends would be disappointed in her.

“Well, um,” Evan felt his mouth go dry, having spoken up before he even had a chance to think through what he was going to say. He had wanted to comfort her, but with the whole group's attention now on him he panicked and quickly spat out the first thing that came into his head, “i-if you need more volunteers next time, I could help?”

“I--Really? Oh my gosh, thank you, Evan!” Alana immediately brightened and Evan tightened his grip on Connor's, already feeling a little bubble of regret. He didn’t think he’d be a very good volunteer. He was pretty that would entail talking to people and then he’d end up being sweaty and awkward and he’d scare them away.

“Oh, um," he scratched the back of his neck with his free hand, "don’t mention it. I, uh, I mean, that's what friends are for, right?”


	68. Tuesday November 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get stEAMY with mah bois

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: sloppy makeouts

Kissing Connor was still new. The two had been really hesitant with affection at first--of course, Connor was more than partial to cuddling up together on Evan's couch, or pulling Evan into a random hug whenever they were alone, but kissing and more intimate affection was carefully avoided. So Evan was pretty surprised that when he invited Connor over after school, the first thing the brunet had done was pin him against the door in a kiss.

The kiss was different than Evan was used to. Honestly, it was a little scary.  Connor was pressed up against him, one hand grabbing onto his hip and the other running through his hair. It left Evan a little dizzy and he wasn't even aware that he hadn't been kissing Connor back until the other boy pulled back, looking a little amused as he took in the dazed look on his boyfriend's face.

"I--" Evan's breath hitched, "th-that was..." Connor laughed, pulling Evan into another heated kiss (and thankfully this time he remember to kiss back).

The two fumbled through the house, shrugging off their backpacks along the way, stopping in the living room and collapsing onto the couch. Connor snaked his hand up Evan’s shirt, dragging his nails lightly down his back and Evan let out a shaky breath, loving the cold trail they left behind.

"Is this okay?" Connor said softly, continuing to trail the sharp edge of his fingernails along the curve of Evan's spine. He pressed a needy kiss to Connor’s lips as a response, almost jumping in surprise when he pulled an excited groan out of his boyfriend. Evan wasn’t too sure what he was doing, but Connor, to his own admittance, didn’t either, which made him a little more confident.

Evan pressed his tongue to Connor’s bottom lip, smiling when his boyfriend took the hint and opened his mouth. He never really thought he'd like french kissing. There was spit involved, which was gross, and he felt that Connor would probably taste whatever he had last eaten (in this case, a PB&J sandwich) and was just too polite to make a comment on it. Needless to say kissing Connor had quickly changed his mind.

He decided to put his focus on what they were doing with their hands, because that was much more interesting.

Connor’s hands were restless. One was gripped roughly onto Evan’s thigh, slowly running up and down, while the other was still up the back of his shirt and scratching lightly down his back. Evan had a hand on the nape of Connor’s next, the other on the back of the couch to keep himself steady as he slowly sank into Connor's lap. After a few minute of attempting to mentally debate with himself while also kissing his boyfriend senseless, Evan decided to remove his hand from the back of the couch in favor of tugging at the edge of Connor’s hoodie.

Connor pulled back, blinking in surprise before grinning and breaking the kiss to pulling his hoodie off. Evan sat back and watched--he liked the way Connor moved, even if he was just doing something simple. Connor stopped when he got the hem of his shirt, fidgeting with the fabric hesitantly. Evan bit down on his lip, eyes blown wide, placing his hand over Connor’s and helping him guide it up and over his head.

He was thin, Evan could see the faint outline of his ribs and the gentle jutting of his hip bones. He had always found it strange that Connor didn’t have more weight on him, since he ate like a horse. Evan ran his hand over Connor’s soft stomach, up his chest, and rested it in his hair, toying with the brown curls.

“Off,” Connor pulled at the hem of Evan’s shirt, sounding a little self conscious despite his light smirk. Evan grinned, pecking the other boy’s lips before complying, tossing his shirt next to Connor’s. They just sort of sat back and stared at each other after that, both with a hint of pink on their face (or, well, more accurately, _Connor_ had a hint of pink on his face while Evan had gone completely red--he didn't even realize that his blush spread down to his chest but of course it does).

“You’re gorgeous, you know that?” Connor said after a while, leaning forward and resting his head on Evan’s shoulder.

“Oh,” Evan’s voice cracked and Connor laughed, grabbing the boy by the shoulders and falling back on the couch so his back was flush against the cushions and Evan was hovering over him. Evan drunk in the way his boyfriend looked: slick, kissed bruised lips, long hair tangled and splayed out, eyes squinted in laughter.

 _He_ was gorgeous.

Evan leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to Connor’s lips. It escalated quickly. There were still nails digging into Evan’s back and now there was a hand gripped tightly in his hair. Evan used one hand to steady himself and the other to rub circles into Connor’s hip with his thumb, loving the way his smooth skin felt.

He broke the kiss, trailing down his boyfriend’s neck and stopping just above his collarbone, breathing in Connor’s scent for a few seconds before placing a kiss. He hesitated, then bit down softly, earning a sharp intake of breath from his boyfriend. Spurred by Connor’s reaction, Evan bit down more confidently, getting a low, breathy moan in response.

The sound filled his head and he could feel his heartbeat speed up.

He continued to slowly trail kisses down Connor’s chest, the small, encouraging noises slipping past Connor's lips boosting his confidence. Evan let his brain turn on the horny teenage autopilot, trying to focus on the lust building in the pit of his stomach rather than worrying about whether or not he was doing something stupid. Evan continued to kiss down Connor's chest, taking a second to flick his tongue over his belly button piercing and stopping when he got to Connor's naval. Evan kissed his hip gently, hesitantly tracing his thumb along the inseam of his boyfriend's jeans and looking up Connor to see how he'd react.

Connor had his eyes screwed tightly shut, a hand still tangled in Evan’s hair while the other gripped the couch. He was taking shaky breath and his lips were still puffy from making out.

The button on Connor’s jeans gave way and Evan continued to stare up at his _perfect_ boyfriend for a few more seconds before anxiously moving to undo Connor’s zipper as well, nerves buzzing in the back of his mind. He wasn't too sure what he was going too do--well, actually, he knew _exactly_ what he wanted to do but he wasn't really sure how to go about doing _it_.

“Evan…” the freckled boy was too apprehensive to hear the name fall past Connor’s lips.

He’d finally managed to get the zipper undone when hands suddenly were suddenly on his shoulders, pushing him back. Evan bolted upright, meeting Connor’s wide eyes with his own. Fear flooded his chest. Connor’s breathing was labored and his face was flushed. Had Evan done something wrong?

“Sorry,” Connor breathed out the word, looking a little unfocused as he brought his knees to his chest and rested his head on them, “sorry.” Evan blinked. He didn’t understand what he’d done wrong. Was he going to fast? _Shit._ He should’ve check to see if Connor was okay. _Selfish_.

Chewing on his lip, he gently rested a hand on Connor’s head, quickly pulling it back when the other boy flinched.

It took a few painfully long minutes before Connor was ready to speak up.

“I, um,” he lifted his face from his knees but didn’t look Evan in the eyes, “I… sorry, I’m just not used to,” he gestured vaguely between them, “it was just--it wasn’t you--oh my god that sounds so--" he angrily ran a hand through his hair, groaning, "I was just a little… I don’t know, overwhelmed? Shit, sorry, that probably sounds stupid,” he ran a hand through his hair again and Evan’s gaze softened. Carefully, he reached out and took Connor’s hand, running a finger over the smooth black nail polish.

“It’s not stupid,” he brought Connor’s hand up to face, kissing the cuts and scars softly, realizing that for the first time none of them seemed to be fresh, “we can stop now, if you want? My mom left some money for take out--we could order Chinese food and watch a movie?” Connor nodded, hand tugging at his hair and still avoiding Evan’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he still sounded angry with himself and Evan shifted, feeling a little guilty that the front of his jeans were still painfully tight.

“You don’t need to be,” he said after a moment, resisting the urge to pull Connor into a hug, not sure if he would be okay with Evan invading his space right now. He still didn't really get why Connor had stopped, but he would never do anything to make the other boy feel uncomfortable if he could help it, “we can pick this up some other time, okay? When you’re ready.”

Connor relaxed, staring down at the couch cushions for a stiff minute before pulling Evan into a silent hug. Evan smiled, kissing his forehead and grabbing Connor’s hoodie and shirt off the floor, continuing to pepper him with kisses as he helped him get re-dressed.


	69. Tuesday November 1

Evan was still awake by the time Heidi got home, looking more exhausted than usual. Connor had snuck back home a few hours ago, after an afternoon of cuddling on the couch and binging season 5 of  _ American Horror Story _ via Connor’s netflix account (Evan had regretted agreeing to watch the show almost instantly--not only had he not seen any of the other seasons, but he also  _severely_  underestimated how disturbingly scary  _American Horror Story_ was going to be and there was definitely no way he was going to be able to sleep tonight.). 

“What are you still doing awake?” Heidi plopped down on the couch next to Evan, tossing her purse onto the coffee table. She rolled her shoulders back and Evan winced at the cracking noise. 

“Homework,” he showed off his math binder to prove his point. Evan probably could’ve finished an hour ago, but he’d been dragging out each problem, not wanting to leave the couch because it still smelled like Connor. Also the hallway that lead to his bedroom was dark and there was no way he was going down it alone.

“It’s late, honey, you should get some sleep,” Evan hummed in agreement, feeling a little more safe now that he wasn't in the big house all my himself. Evan flipped his binder closed but making no move to get up, the expression on his mother's face catching his attention. Heidi’s brow was furrowed and she had been chewing on her nails--the red polish had chipped and a few flecks were stuck on her teeth. 

“Is... um, is something wrong?” he asked cautiously. Heidi blinked at her son, a tired smile making it’s way onto her face.

“It’s nothing honey,” Evan frowned, knowing something was definitely wrong. _Maybe a lot of people just died today or something,_ he and his mom didn't really talk about her work, but he'd always figured watching people die everyday was probably taxing. Heidi, picking up on her son's worry, sighed in defeat, “I got a call at work today,” she chewed on her lip, speaking slowly, “it, um. Well, it was your father.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. 

What should he say? 

They’d hardly talked about his father since he left. Of course, Heidi had offered to talk about it; she’d even given Evan his number in case he wanted to stay in contact with him, but Evan hadn’t really wanted to think about his father after he left. And it’s not like his father had made any attempt to keep in contact with him, so why should Evan?

The only reminder that his father even existed was the postcard that came in every so often, always reading the same message; “Hope you’re doing well. -Love Dad”.  A whole drawer in Evan’s desk was designated to storing the postcards.

“You okay, hun?” Evan nodded at his mother's question, still zoning out a little.

“What, um,” he cleared his throat, “what did he say?” 

Evan felt guilty that he wanted to know. He shouldn’t want to know. He had Heidi--a loving mother who had been there for him every day of his life. Yes, maybe she wasn’t around all the time, but that was because of him, wasn't it? She worked hard to provide him with a home and food and medication and support. He shouldn’t care what his father had called about.

“He told me that he lives in Colorado now. That he's been living there for a few years actually…" Heidi was wringing her hands nervously and Evan could tell that she was trying her best to not sound devastated at the news. He didn't really remember what his parents were like when they were together. From what he could remember they never fought, although they were never really happy either. At some point his father cheated with some women that Evan was never introduced to. He can sort of remember there being one fight after that incident, and then his father started sleeping in the living room, but things never got better and one day he finally moved away. Evan blinked, pulling himself into the present because his mother was still talking with a cautious expression on her face, "he wanted to know if you’d like to visit him and his family during Thanksgiving Break?”

_ His family?  _

Evan looked down at his lap and there was a long silence before Heidi spoke up. 

“For what it’s worth,” Heidi reached out and took her son’s hand, “I think you should go,” her voice was tight, “your father and I have had our differences, but he’s still your father... I can understand if you don’t want to see him though, it's your choice.”  Evan gripped his mother's hand tightly as he thought about what he wanted to do. He didn’t want to see his father, did he? He shouldn’t want to. The man had abandoned him--him  _ and _ Heidi… 

But what if this was the last opportunity Evan had to give his father a second chance? Did he deserve a second chance? 

“Can I have a few days to think it over?”

“Of course, of course,” Heidi pulled him into a half-hug, “just tell me when you’ve made up your mind, okay? He’s already bought you a ticket, so if you decide not to go I’ll just tell him to return it, okay? And, hey, look at me,” Evan had been staring at his lap and Heidi ducked her head down so that she was looking up at him, “I love you kiddo.”

“I love you too, mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imma be camping friday-monday so i don't think im not gonna be able to update again until next tuesday :(


	70. Wednesday November 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating yesterday !! i had my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday and the pain meds are making me SUPER drowsy :p

Evan hissed as he left his house, the bright sunlight making his eyes sting. 

He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before and was only able to stand upright because he’d chugged three mugs of coffee that morning. Which had been horrible. He definitely was  _ not _ a coffee person. He would never be able to understand how Connor would actually like drinking coffee black--Evan had dumped nearly a pound of sugar into each cup and he could still barely stomach the stuff.

“Morning,” Connor didn’t look like was doing much better. 

His long hair was tousled away from his face, as if he’d been running his hand through it. His eczema was acting up, making the skin around his neck red and blotchy. Evan frowned, trying to remember if he had any extra cortisone in his backpack. He'd taken to keeping a small bottle with him ever since he learned his boyfriend had eczema, knowing that Connor always forgot to bring a bottle with him and got moody whenever his skin started acting up.

“Hey,” Evan felt his stomach twist. Partly because of the coffee and partly because he noticed that Connor wouldn’t look him in the eyes. His gaze was fixated on the sidewalk, hands fisted tightly in his pockets.

Something was wrong.

Had he done something wrong? Maybe Connor really had been upset with him yesterday. He was definitely still mad at him for yesterday, wasn't he? And was planning on breaking up with him now and oh god Evan didn’t think he couldn’t handle that  _ and  _ whatever was going on with his father. Evan walked numbly alongside Connor, almost jumping when the other boy grabbed his hand, not even realizing they’d already turned the corner of their street.

“So,” Connor intertwined their fingers, “don’t freak out, okay?”  _ not off to a good start _ , “but Cynthia wants you over for dinner on Sunday.”

“Oh?” Evan blinked, his sleep-deprived mind having a hard time taking in the information. Connor wasn't breaking up with him. Okay. Alright. But he was supposed to meet Connor's parents. Oh god.

“It’s not--I didn’t tell her about us," Connor ran his thumb along Evan's knuckles reassuringly, "I think she’s just seen us hanging out? Or maybe Zoe said something... but she wouldn’t do that--right?” there was an edge of panic in his voice. Evan squeezed his hand.

“I’m sure Zoe didn’t say anything. Your mom probably just saw us walking to school or something,” that only seemed to make Connor more uneasy and the tall teen immediately let go of Evan’s hand.  _ Nice one, Hansen. _ “O-Or maybe she was talking to my mom! She knows that we hang out and she told me once that Cynthia occasionally stops by on her morning jog. You know, to be neighborly and all that.”

“Alright,” Connor was staring at the sidewalk and Evan hesitantly reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers again.

“I, um, I don’t need to come, you know? It’s okay if you don’t want me to,” he was actually a little surprised that Connor was even inviting him in the first place. He had been pretty adamant about not wanting Evan to meet his parents. The two didn’t go through the front door whenever they hung out at the Murphy’s house in case Cynthia spotted them; they’d just sneak in through Connor’s window. Connor wouldn’t even come over to  _ his _ house when Larry was around in case his father somehow found out. “You could just tell her I was busy,” Connor bit his lip, looking tempted.

“No, I… I think you should come? I’m gonna have to tell them we’re dating eventually... we can’t keep sneaking around forever, you know? And it’ll probably go over better if they know who you are.”

“Okay,” Evan squeezed Connor’s hand, glad that he had a bit of a headache because it was making it hard to focus on the fact that he was going to officially meet his boyfriend's parents for the first time.


	71. Wednesday November 2

6th period was the absolute worst. 

Jared had never been good at science--there were all these big annoying words and Mrs. McGillin never did experiments--which was basically the only good thing about science class! Like, really, what was the point of even showing up if he didn’t get to watch shit blow up?  Other than the fact that Jared’s parents would freak if he had a truancy. 

Ironic, right?  _ His _ parents getting mad at  _ him _ for not being somewhere he’s supposed to be.  What a fucking joke.

At least he shared the class with Evan--it was actually the only class he shared with Evan. And it wasn’t an AP class, so he didn’t have to worry about getting a buttload of homework. Still, science fucking sucked.

Jared snuck out his phone, casting a wary glance at Mrs. McGillin, who was sitting lazily at her desk while some science video was playing on the classroom TV. Once he was sure she was distracted Jared sent Evan a text.

**Jare-Bear [2:45]:** science fucking sucks

Jared looked intently at Evan, waiting to see if he’d notice the text. He didn’t, he was too preoccupied with looking down at the textbook. He wasn’t reading it though--when Evan read he’d hold the book close to his face and mouthed out the words as he read them. Jared used to tease him about it, saying it made him look like a toddler. But right now Evan was zoning out, his eyes on the book but unfocused. 

The brunet frowned. Evan had been spaced out all day! And to top it off Connor had decided to skip school today, so Jared was basically in charge of watching over him in his zombie-like state (Jared might've found it annoying if he wasn't so creeped out by how zonked Evan seemed to be--the poor boy had nearly walked right into a trash can earlier). 

Jared's frown deepened as his phone buzzed, knowing that Evan couldn’t possibly have texted him back because Jared had spent the last five minutes staring at him.

**Mom [2:50]** is your father home?

**Jare-Bear [2:50]** yes

It was a lie. Jared’s dad had left three days ago, he just didn’t want to have to deal with his mother right now and knew that she wouldn’t come home if she thought his dad was there. 

Not that Jared hated his mother, he just preferred not to deal with her. She had always overbearing. She babied him and was always berating him with personal questions, which he honestly didn’t mind, no matter how much he complained. It’s just that it made it hard on him once she left--it was easier to just avoid her. 

**Mom [2:52]** i’m gonna be home on sunday, okay?

**Jare-Bear [2:52]** k

Jared was in middle school when his parents had decided to “split up”. 

At first they had been around a lot; the only difference being that one week his father would watch Jared and the other his mother would. He had liked it--there wasn’t any fighting and they were always showering him with presents, trying to out-do the other.  Then he got older, more independent, and they started leaving without warnings. By the time Jared finished his freshman year of high school it had become normal to go a week or so without seeing either one of his parents. 

Jared could deal with it though, he was tough. 

His father sent in a check every week for groceries and other expenses, so it wasn’t like he was fending for himself. And he always had Heidi if he needed to talk to an adult. She didn’t actually know about his home situation, other than the fact that his parents didn’t get along, but he knew that she’d help him out if he needed it. 

The bell rang and Jared shook himself from his thoughts and shoved his stuff into his backpack, walking over to Evan when he was done.

“Boo,” Jared poked Evan's cheek. The freckled boy, who had been zoning out, unaware that the bell had even rung, jumped at Jared tapping the poke, turning on Jared with wide, red-rimmed eyes, “schools over, dumbass.” 

Evan looked around, obviously disoriented as he slowly slipped back into reality.  _He must've been up all night,_ Jared concluded, knowing that Evan could get a bit spacey if he didn't get enough sleep.

“Oh, um, I didn’t…” Jared watched the blond shake his head then slowly begin to pack up, putting everything neatly away and hesitating as he zipped up his backpack, “hey, it’s Friday, right?” Jared nodded, wondering why he even bothered to wait for Evan since he was probably going to sneak off and make out with his boyfriend,  “could I come over?”

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is @im-heere-and-im-queere so if you're bored or you had a bad day and want to vent feel free to shoot me a message bc i'm a lonely old man. i may be an awkward little butt but i swear i'm nice and i love making friends !!!
> 
> STATUS: i update everyday except saturdays and sundays !! (also anyone that leaves a comment has earned my undying love and affection--unless you don't like affection in which case you can have a virtual cookie and a fatherly handshake instead)


End file.
